What should I do?

Question

I think I might be gay, but something deep down inside tells me it's wrong. What are my options? Can someone provide help to either accept my homosexuality, or help me to fix it? Thanks.

Answer 1

Be yourself, Ben D. Don’t let anyone else tell you who you should be. Accept yourself as you are. Just be very sure, or you may have to live with the consequences of an unwise decision.

Tony Bennet, at age 80, is just beginning a 20-day tour, as one of the country's most popular singers. His voice has a sand-paper quality. It is unlikely that any music teacher would have pointed him toward the Grand Opera. When he was young, he tried to eliminate that quality, to dcvelop a smooth, melodious sound. But, at age 25, he said, “I’ve decided now to let it all alone.” In fact, of course, it is precisely this hint of raspiness that he feels has endeared him to his fans He had to learn to be himself.

We all do.

Political opportunists and religious fundamentalists may tell you that homosexuality is illegal and immoral. Tell them to go to hell. Crude, macho bullies may call you names and laugh at you, even threaten you. Tell them to go to hell. Practicing homosexuals may tell you that if you are having such thoughts, you are being dishonest to “stay in the closet.” Tell them to go to hell. You know yourself better than anyone else does.

Give yourself time. In the US military, "don't ask, don't tell" is a stupid policy. But for a person with ambivalent feelings, like yours, it is not such a bad idea. Especially if you are still an adolescent or young adult, don't rush yourself. Time will tell.

Years ago a new friend of mine came to me with basically the same question. We were both 18. I was a backwoods country boy, very shy. He recognized me as a potential leader and led a campaign to get me elected to my first position in college. But he had a problem. His walk, his talk, his gestures, his posture were, to put it mildly, not very masculine. He had been teased and was still being teased viciously. He hoped to become a clergyman or a church musician. “Maybe, like St. Paul,” he said to me, “this is my thorn in the flesh.”

At that stage in my life I had no knowledge of the issues involved, certainly not of the scientific research. I probably had read about Alfred Kinsey in Time Magazine, but, as I remember, homosexuality was a distant, almost theoretical concept to me. But he was my friend, and I knew he should not be intimidated by the bullying he was experiencing. “You’ll know,” I said to him. “No one else will. Don’t let those guys who tease you make you feel bad. Be yourself.”

He listened to me. Eventually, he became a popular student himself, achieving significant honors, including awards as a stand-up comic. He enjoyed just being himself. A few years later, when he had completed his degree in theology, he met a young woman, fell in love, and married. They lived a happy, fulfillling married life, produced three fine sons, and went on to success in college teaching. He lived a good life, dying in his sixties of natural causes, leaving a grief stricken family and students.

What I know now, but did not know then, to explain to him, is that there are three dimensions ordinarily associated with sexual identity: physical or biological sex, sexual orientation or attraction, and gender. One is born either male or female or occasionally with features of both sexes. (In classical terminology, the latter were called “hermaphrodites” for Hermes + Aphrodite; in modern terms, they are sometimes refered to as an “intersex.”) Similarly, one is born heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual, being attracted to the opposite sex, to the same sex, or perhaps to both. Finally, and less well understood in contemporary society, one is born with characteristics of the masculine gender, the feminine gender, or androgynous (i.e., both masculine and feminine, andro- + gyn- , also called ambigender).

Homosexual men are not necessarily androgynous; in fact, probably relatively few are overtly effeminiate. Similarly, androgynous men are not necessarily homosexual. Of all these types, probably the ones who suffer the most cruel disapprobation in our society are androgynous homosexuals. Kinsey may have been right after all: with regard to orientation and gender, some people may be 100% at one extreme or the other, but many may also live on a continuum between the extremes, somewhat bisexual, somewhat androgynous. Sometimes those who cannot accept their own place on the continuum may become the most cruel in their rejection of others.

My friend obviously was somewhat androgynous, but definitely heterosexual. I am still grateful to him for helping me discover my potential as a leader. I hope my naive, but honest advice to him was helpful to him in accepting who he was.

As far as sexual orientation goes, you can’t go by outward appearances. Macho men are sometimes homosexual; androgynous men are sometimes heterosexual. And you certainly can’t go by the way other people label you. If you are sexually attracted to women, hopefully one day, you will find a woman whom you will love and who will love you. If you are sexually attracted to men, hopefully one day you will find a man whom you will love and who will love you.

In either case, Ben D, the creator has blessed you. Celebrate your blessings. Be yourself.

Like Tony Bennet, sing with the sand-paper voice you were given. But sing.

Answer 2

Are you a young teen? That age can be difficult ad confusing.You probably need more time to sort things out. But Ben, you were either born gay or you were not. If you are gay that's OK. Accept it and make the most of it. Don't try to change it because you can't. No one can.

Here are 2 more web sites that may help you.

http://www.outproud.org

http://www.sxetc.org


Outproud is for teens questioning and gay. It has a good links section too so make use of that. Sxetc (sex etc) is primarily about sexuality in general.

Good luck, Ben.

Answer 3

You can't fix it mate. If you;re having these feelings the best thing to do is reflect on why and before you can say to yourself 'Yes i am gay' don't jump to any conclusions; Many people go through phases in which they doubt their sexuality.
What makes you think that being gay is wrong?
Perhaps the fact you think this is deterring you from facing up to our true self.

Good luck finding it.

Answer 4

u should do absolutely nothing , dont try to fix it , just accept it and go on with ur life and be happy . if ur gay and attracted to the same sex thats ok ,just be yourself and do more research on homosexuality to make sure thats what u really want and if it is live out proud . dont for ANYONE

Answer 5

You can't fix what you. You have to accept or you'll wind up like Ted Haggard and evenutally you'll mess up then you have to fess up. It's best to be happy with being you. Find a local support group, and if you're too scared to do that, find a lesbian to talk talk to that you feel comfortable with, that way the whole sex pressure thing is off and you can just be girlfriends.

Ben, you're last name isn't Dover, is it? <++++No offense, just a little humor to take the pressure off.

Answer 6

If you think you might be gay, then you're gay. Anyone who tells you they can "fix" it are either deluded or lying and not someone you can trust. Just relax and be your best you, whoever that might be.

Answer 7

Check out these websites, they might provide some answers for you.

http://www.whosoever.org/bible/index.html

http://www.godmademegay.com/

Answer 8

Just be yourself, trying to be something that you are not will make you feel uncomfortable in your own skin. You will be unfair to your self, there is no "cure" to being who you are.

Answer 9

i recommend therapy