Is it morally wrong to keep this from my fiance?

Question

I decided to marry my bestfriend after leaving my spouse of almost six years who had two affairs. I am very happy with my fiance but still work about my exspouse. He is going through a very hard financial problems that even though he has two job, he can't makes it. He has not been able to purchase groceries and only eats at work. I have been purchasing the food for our pets that he kept. Yesterday, I forced him to go with me to get him some groceries. He refused to take them after my fiance called me but at the end he took them. I have not told my fiance about the groceries only the pet food. I know he is not my responsiblity but I still love my ex regardless of what happened between us but know we could never be together. I feel guilty feeling so happy about my future with my fiance. If something happened to my exspouse, I would never be able to be happy. Is it morally wrong for me to keep this from my fiance? Is it wrong to feel God will reward me if I help my exspouse out?

Answer 1

It's OK. We are allowed to have healthy boundaries, and allowed to be discreet, ESPECIALLY in our charitable endeavors.
But don't cross the line into being disloyal or dishonest to your BEST FRIEND and lover.
And remember, love is given freely, but trust is earned--your ex has already broken your trust, and now he would get his jollies by cheating WITH you instead of ON you, and that would be an added bonus for the sick puppy.
You're with the guy you've chosen because he EARNED your trust, and he deserves the same in return, in love and kindness.
I suggest you include him in the decision to help anyone, and the two of you come to an agreement before you do anything more. But that's just my opinion--you do what works best for you and your great guy. Best of luck.

Answer 2

It's wrong for you to keep this from your fiance. If he finds out about it the most disturbing thing to him will be that you kept it from him. Then the most obvious question is what else are you hiding? Are you even trustworthy at all? Don't start lying to your fiance about anything because if you truly love him and want it to work out than you have to be honest, no matter how much it hurts. Just tell him that though he hurt you you still can't live with yourself if he's over there starving and you could have helped him out. That doesn't mean you want him back and it doesn't mean that you're still in love with him. What it does mean is that you are a caring individual that can't stand to see suffering, even on those that have wronged you.

Answer 3

You did the right thing.

You came to the aid of your ex, not only because you Love him, IT'S BECAUSE THE POOR GUY NEEDS HELP!

If anything, your fiance should offer some help to get your ex-husband life back to speed. This is a HUMAN being that needs help and you came there without question (your fiance should admire this quality about you).

Hard times happen to people and your future hubby should see this as proof that you are the right person for HIS life and not to be so selfish and pitch in to help your ex.

Obviously, your ex has what little pride left to refuse your help. Not because he's mad at you. It's because he's ashamed and embarrassed. You say he shouldn't feel that way, but believe me it's ripping him apart. But he knows that he has to let it go to get back on his feet.

Go to your fiance and TELL HIM TO HELP! Demand his help! Explain to him that you don't treat the people you care about, like crap and you tell him that if he feels that way, then maybe you should check his character and wonder if he's the kind of person that can handle any kind of crisis (this is important assuming your going to start a family with him).

Your not telling him your choosing your ex over him. Your telling him that his help is needed to help someone in need.

Because if the shoe was on the other foot, your man would be worshiping your help!

Answer 4

It is wrong to keep that from your fiance. If you love him (your fiance) then there is reason, like maybe kind and caring. The fact that you care and want to help your ex is not a bad thing. I think it is a kind thing. But.. but.. keep in mind, you should still be telling your ex he needs to get his life in order, and this is temporary. If he has 2 jobs, you must consider why he cannot make ends meet. What is he spending his money on? You have 2 problems here, one is to be honest with your fiance, the other is to make sure that your ex is doing what he needs to do to survive without you.

Answer 5

It is wrong to keep it from your fiance, let him know exactly how you feel and if he has a problem with it then you need to figure out what you should change (break up with the fiance and keep helping your ex if thats how much he means to you). And i couldnt help but notice you said you would never be able to be happy if something happened to your ex, think about that... what if you're married and have kids and your ex gets in a car crash and dies... would you not be able to be happy with your family? Think about that 'cause it's not right to marry someone you dont completely love above anyone. It's true though, God rewards people who help. Hope life works out for you! Best of luck :)

Answer 6

You should tell you fiance, your situation. You should tell him that you will always love your ex-husband since you were together for so long. But you are in love with him (your fiance) and want to spend forever with him. You should be able to do what you want to do. Even though your ex-husband cheated on you, you should be the bigger person and show that you still care. Do not feel guilty since it is not your fault that he is in this situation. If you want to help him, go ahead. And if your fiance loves you, he should understand. If you keep it from him, he may eventually find out when he sees a receipt or total and notices that he does not have some of the stuff. Then you will be forced to tell him that you have been hiding it from him.

Remember one lie requires more lies to cover up the first lie. Then in the end, you are left with a messed up situation when everything falls apart.

Answer 7

I believe God does look upon these things with favor. Remember, "love thy enemy". Anyway, you should absolutely tell him. But I would find out why, if he has two jobs, is he so broke that he can't eat. What is he spending his money on? His women? He did cheat on you. I think you should help him if he seriously is broke and not wasting his money. Also, how do you know he only eats at work? Because he TELLS you? Remember, he is the kind of man who cheats. Can you really trust his word? I think he is taking you for a ride. In that case, you should cut off his allowance. Remember, God's policies of forgiveness and helping don't mean you should let people manipulate you and deliberately ruin your life. Do you think it's possible that your ex is talking you in to helping him so it will cause problems between you and your fiance? I'd do some investigating.

Answer 8

What what what?? Stop it. Right now. Your ex husband made his bed (no pun intended) when he effed around with those other women. When a man cheats, he decides that that bit of fun is worth losing everything, including you, over. He is not your child, he is not your responsibility and quite frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if he is taking advantage of your kind nature. If he can't make it working 2 jobs then he is living too lavish a lifestyle and needs to quit living high off the hog. You cannot live a happy new life with someone while still trying to take care of your past. Take the pets back, cut him loose completely and move on with your new, happier life. It's not only wrong to keep it from your fiance, it's wrong to be doing all this in the first place.

Answer 9

In a way, I understand your wish to help someone that is down & out.

On the other hand, I'm sure your fiance would see this as an emotional betrayal.If this continues, he will have reason to believe you still have feelings for your ex.

Your ex may enjoy the fact that you care enough about him yet to help him out. It may come from a good place in his heart, or a manipulative place - only you know him well enough to figure that out. Your ex will be more inclined to help himself if you are out of the picture. You can take back the animals if you are better able to care for them.

If you want to marry your fiance and instill trust in this new relationship, I suggest you leave your ex alone and he can find other means to make his life work. Your new fiance deserves to be treated fairly.

Answer 10

I would tell your fiance about it and let him know why you are doing it.. not out of guilt and not because you want to be with your ex but out of human compassion and humanity. If he is a decent person he should understand even if he is not happy about it. the only question I would tell you to ask yourself though is,

are giving your ex a hand out or a hand up?

Is there any other way to help him other then giving him food or money.. a skill you can teach him or a job you can help him land that will allow him to do it for himself? if so then that would be a better way to go. I did this with my ex for a while as well and we are still best friends now.. when i needed him he remembered what I did for him after we seperated and did the same for me... but the down side of it was by me handing out not handing up I made him feel helpless and like less of a man and in the long run it hurt him as well as helped him.

Answer 11

The trap of "morality" is that it is all personal. There is no universal "morality." Every man and woman and child on this planet determines for themselves what is moral to them. What is moral to me could be quite amoral to someone else.

So your question has to circle back to you. I would ask you - to YOU, is it okay (not moral) to withhold this information from your fiance. In my opinion it's not good to start a long-term relationship on a lie, which is what you're doing. Why wouldn't you tell your fiance everything? You are going to marry him and he is going to be a part of your life forever. I understand your feeling about your ex, but he is your EX, not your FIANCE! If you want a happy relationship I'd abandon the idea that if your ex isn't happy then you aren't happy. You're basing your well-being on your cheating ex.

Think carefully about this as you go forward. Do you want a marriage based on a lie? I think you need to come clean. If your fiance leaves or whatever, then at least you know with truth where you stand. You'll never know if you keep lying.

FP