Have I lost my wife? Is it too late? I'm I overreacting?

Question

I left on a 3 month business trip and a month into my wife cell usage jumped up to 4000 mins over the normal usage. Some of these calls were also made during the late hours of the night (late pm and early am) When I confronted her, things went down hill. She told me that she been talking to some of her new friends from her new job she just started. Both males and females. She also told me that they been going out as a group drinking. I’m a jealous person but do I have a good reason to worry. I don’t receive any emails from her anymore when we talk our conversations are very simple. We’ve been marriage for 8 years and have a son together. I ask her a lot of questions but she refused to answer most of them. It leads me to believe she has something to hide. She tells me I’m overreacting. Is she right? We've been fight a lot lately which is the worst I can do being away, but right now I'm thinking about the worst things possible. Please help!

Answer 1

I'm very sorry to hear this situation you're in. I don't want to make you too paranoid, but I think perhaps there may be a problem.

The thing that troubles me the most is the fighting and the drop-off in conversation. These are warning signs of a larger problem.

But the problem may not be cheating. It sounds to me that regardless of whether she has cheated or not, she has had to (out of necessity) create another part of her life that is separate from you. It's possible that she resents the fact that you are away for so long.

You say you're a jealous person, so that leads me to believe that the possibility of marital infidelity sprang to your mind fairly quickly. Was this the first thing you thought of? Why? Could there be another explanation?

On the other hand, your wife sounds secretive and defensive. These are signs that she may be hiding this new area of her life. Until you know more, do what you can to rebuild the lines of conversation that were severed in your absence.

This might take a little work, and while you're doing this, don't make any innuendos or accusations about your suspicions. Stop bombarding her with questions. Just talk to her. If something is up, then you probably won't be able to continue living as you used to live together. Make an honest effort to do so, however, until you're sure it isn't possible anymore.

Answer 2

You have reason to be concerned. Basically, her life is moving on without you in it. Sounds like the "7 year itch" is coming around, maybe a little late, but it shows up nonetheless. The best thing, in my opinion, that you can do is confront her...which you have. If you can not get results in talking, then you should try seeking some councelling. If she won't go, go by yourself, you'll need some help dealing with things and how to handle it with your child. Be honest, don't be a dick, and prepare yourself to move on without her. You may not have to move on without her, but you have to face the fact that it is a possible reality and it IS NOT in your realm of control. Bottom line is this, you have complete control over one thing and that is yourself. Make sure you take care of yourself so that you are capable of taking care of your child also. The more prepared you are to move on without her, the easier it will be, IF that is the final outcome. It will also start her wheels turning wondering why you are making it so easy for her to walk away. If she walks away...you are prepared. If she decides to stay and work on it, Fantastic! By saying and doing nothing...you will get nothing. Do not sit on your laurels and pretend that all is well. It is not. Be prepared, be calm, and believe in the reality of all possible outcomes. It is less scary that way. Just remember to keep control of yourself, be calm, be real, and be prepared. When things have gotten to the point you are at, apparently, they've been slowly heading that way. If you realize that and never did or said anything about it, now is the time. If you realize that now, but had no clue....there's probably not much more you can do. Don't give up though! If you have to go down, go down swinging...knowing you did everything you could do. And in the end, if it wasn't enough...that's not your fault. At least you can go to sleep with a clear conscience. There may be some pride swallowing in there too, but it will be worth it if you make it through the storm. Only you know how much you can take and you will have to decide when enough is enough...for you. Good luck.

Answer 3

You are not over overreacting, in fact her behavior should make you more suspicious. She may or may not be having an affair, but she has definitely started a separate life from you.

Working away from home for long periods of time does this to a marriage. You have to admit when you were on the road you probably had an extended family of co-workers for support. Think about getting a job you don't need to travel for extended periods. I have seen many people divorce due to jobs that kept them away from home.

Seek marriage counseling and you need to both sit down and talk. Fighting shuts down communication between the both of you.

Good luck.

Answer 4

NO you are not too late! YES you have the right and you should be suspicious. Yes it is possible that she COULD be cheating on you. You two should NEVER have anything to hide from one another. You need to ask her if there is anything she needs to tell you and that you want the marriage to work. Your wife is lonely when you are away. You might have to sacrifice your long business trips so that you can spend more time with your wife and son. Marriage is about sacrifice. Marriage is not an easy road you have to work at it. Oh and remember that divorce is ALWAYS the last resort. Good luck to you!

Answer 5

I do not even need to read the rest. This is entirely her fault. She knows she did something really bad, and she is trying to cover it up. I am so sorry for you, but you MUST quit the job you are doing right now. What the hell were you thinking leaving your wife for three months to do a job??? I do not care if the job sets you for life. She is your freaking wife!!! Women connect love with physical intimacy quite often. If you are never around, there is no intimacy, so your marriage is only bound to fail if you continue to doing the job. Divorce is coming your way if you do not return home buddy! It may already be on your doorstep, but you need to return home and find another job near where you live. Guys in general need to learn that their wives need them close by all the time. She does not need the money as much as she needs your closeness. Go to her and make things right!

Answer 6

Im sure most of her cell phone minutes were used talking to one or more guys. I'm sure she is also talking to her girlfriends, both new and old. Also, I'm sure the nights outs started as a group and going for drinks. By now, it's progressed to her banging some new guy his place or a hotel. No emails, short conversations, refusing to answer your questions and her going out alot all point to extramarital affair. She's probably havning the time of her life. Has it been a boring 8 years of marriage?

Answer 7

All of those things do sound kinda fishey....being a jelous person myself, i'd flip out to, so don't feel bad, your not overreacting, it's human nature, especially since this is your wife, you have a right to wonder and to ask questions, maybe she resents you leaving for such long periods of time for work, but she needs to realize your doing this to take care of her and your son, two things, first, she may not be doing anything wrong and she's just upset and feels your accusing her of doing something wrong or two, she is being sneakey and not honest, communication is the key, i don't understand why she can't talk to you about this which gives me a bad feeling, try talking again and again and explain that you love her and you don't want anything to happen between the two of you so she needs to explain things so you'll understand, this is such a hard situtaion to tell you what to do, all you can do is not give up and show her you want things to work...Good luck

Answer 8

Your marriage may be going through a rough patch, or it may be over. when you come home you sit her down and tell her that this is no way for a mother and wife to behave towards her husband and the father of her child. Tell her that if she doesn't mend her ways you will end the marriage (and mean it) because unless you like being cheated on and living a lie, it's better to let her be single and you will support only your child (you can also sue for custody, if she is unfit) she can support her own drinking and partying habits.

Answer 9

Sorry you are going through this. Ask her if she understands how hard it is for you to be apart from her so long. Tell her that you really miss her and dont' mean to ask so many questions but that you feel this trip has led you to drift apart and that concerns you because your top priority is your family and you want things to work out.

Ask her if she thinks the same way? Tell her you dont want to overreact, you just want the reassurance from her. She should understand that you are alone right now and that is hard.

Answer 10

A three month business trip? Unless you are in the military, your wife surely feels neglected and a far second place to your job. If she was trying to hide it that bad, she could. Sounds like she wants your attention. go home and lover up your wife man.good luck.