Best to be home with Mommy and newborn baby or at daycare?

Question

I'm expecting my second baby this summer and plan to be home at least one year or more. My first baby will be 2 when the second arrives.

I was thinking of putting baby #1 in daycare at least part-time for a several different reasons.

a) I can have some alone time with baby #2
b) Baby #1 can socialize, play and learn with others her same age
c) Baby #1 will have her own little "life" and maybe not be jealous of her newborn sibling.

My husband thinks it's not a good idea since there's nothing better than being at home with "mommy". I tend to disagree but so see his point of view that Baby #1 would probably rather be with me than at daycare. But daycare would be for her own good; she just wouldn't know it.

Thoughts?

Answer 1

I think your idea is understandable from a grownup's point of view and devastating and awful from your current baby's point of view.

One thing you are overlooking is that your baby will be devastated by the birth of her sibling. She's too young to cope with it any other way but feeling rejected and replaced. Now - how will going into day care play into that?

You will guarantee she will be jealous.

Her life is to be part of your family. Her best chance of bonding with her sib is to be at home with her sib. Your job is to bring them together, help them love each other. You allow her to express her desire for the baby to go away, and your reassure her of her irreplacable part in your family.

Babies do not need to socialize. Baby number 1 will not have her needs met at day care; you will be paying to ensure her needs are not met.

Why? Because under 5, kids need is for mom. A quality one on one relationship with mommy is what they NEED, evolved to require for proper development.

Baby one will not learn from others her own age. What on earth can they possibly teach her? They have as much experience as she does.

Get your time alone with baby 2 late at night and while baby one sleeps. Surely you will be nursing this child and that will give baby 2 tons of what she needs.

Your current plan shows a real lack of understanding of the needs of your oldest daughter. Did you have her in day care already? Your level of detachment from her needs suggests that you did, or maybe it's just exhaustion as you form your new baby.

Day care is not good for babies. Research for 50 years has demonstrated it will be bad for her emotionally, socially, intellectually, and physically. Maybe that's why she wouldn't 'know' it was good for her - because it absolutely positively is not good for her, it is, in fact, the total opposite.

Get the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" and "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen." These will give you lots of needed insights, so your decisions can be tailored to your children's needs, not your 'yuppie notions' of what's good for kids.

Answer 2

I think that you should do what you think is best. All of those reasons are good to put your 2 year old in daycare even for part time. I had no choice and my 1 year old goes to daycare during the week. She is very smart and loves kids and people. She never acts shy around anyone. And she even gets her coat in the morning and tries to get me to put it on because she wants to go see the other kids at daycare. The only negative thing I see is that she does catch colds a lot. Her immune system is getting stronger and when she is ready for school she won't be getting colds as much. So weigh out the good with the bad. And the only thing I have to say is just make sure your 2 year old doesn't think you are sending her off to daycare because there is a new baby in the house. Maybe try putting her in daycare before the next baby comes along, so she can get used to the idea. Good luck and don't let anyone make you feel bad if that is what you decide to do.

Answer 3

I like the idea. I think part-time is enough. I would start your child before the baby comes. This way it is already routine. Then when the baby comes you can make it a big deal about how she is a big girl and gets to go to "school" and visit her friends. This will give you a break a couple days a week. You'll need the rest with a 2 yr old and a newborn! Just don't wait until the baby comes and do it all at once. This is too much change for a 2 yr old. If you start her at least 2 months before the baby she'll be adjusted to daycare and will love it!

Answer 4

I think you should do what you feel is best for you. I had my eldest in preschool one day a week when his new sibling arrived but he was 4 at the time (he is now 5 - there is a 4 yr gap between my 2 boys) and he's off to "big school" in a couple of weeks time. The only suggestion I would really give you is to find a mothers group or play group, that way it not only lets your 2 year old interact with other children but you can also get out and socialise with other mums.

And about the day-care and more bugs thing, whether you send them to daycare now or 2 years time it isn't going to make a difference, they will get them no matter what, even if you keep them at home!

Answer 5

Hi - I am in the same situation. My #2 is due end of April and my 2 yo son is and will be in daycare full time. I do not plan on taking him out of his current daycare because: 1. he has a regular schedule at daycare; 2. I do not want to lose our spot in the daycare; 3. Newborns require lots of attention so I plan on sleeping or cleaning when I get free time (it would be really difficult to coordinate if I have my 2yo running around). I know what you are saying and I think I would feel a bit guilty too but I do plan on spending more time with him after he comes home from daycare (my husband and I can take turns). This way I can spend time with him and the infant separately.

Answer 6

You might consider a pre-school type setting over a daycare. Some daycares offer both full time care and pre-school and you don't have to worry about the two year old being potty trained. If its a couple days a week for a few hours I think that's great for them. They socialize, they play. With a new baby you're not going to be able to provide as much play with the two year old. You might want to start her before the baby is born so that she doesn't have too many new adjustments going on. Leaving your child for the first time with new adults and children can be overwhelming without having anew baby on top of it.
Some children adjust better to day care than others. I have a friend whose son loves it. He's been going since he was one or so and he immediately became attached to the other kids.

Answer 7

It can help to have her in daycare because then she can socialize and also she may be a little put out by being at home and having you devote so much time to the new baby. It will also give you the bonding time you will need plus give you some time out on having to deal with a small child and a baby at once. I didnt put my first son in daycare when my second was born but i wish i had, because now that the baby is older, i am finding that i was giving in to my eldest far too often, because i was too tired to argue, and now its created problems. 2 years old is a good age to start socialising and trust me the break will be welcome. Maybe just start out at 1 day a week now and slowly increase it as she gets more comfortable. A few days a week isnt going to hurt her and she will still have her own time with mommy when she is home. Compromise with your husband and just put her in for a few hours and see how she goes. For those who say that they will be more exposed to germs, why worry, they are children and will get sick, get dirty, get well and get clean. Parents that work with people, probably expose their children to more viruses and bacteria than anything else will.

Answer 8

I think your reasons are very good especially a) and b). It seems like a good compromize: your first baby will still get a lot of mommy/family time on evenings and weekends, and also some time during the week if the daycare is only part time. The new baby will have a lot of the attention it needs, and the older will get to play with other kids her age. It will be better for you also, to have only one kid at a time for several hours during the week. You will be less tired and this will be good for the whole family.

Answer 9

I understand you reasons and they are all good. I think it is very important to do what is best for your family. I think that there definitely may be problems with jealously though. One thing that you could do is put baby #1 into daycare well before baby #2 comes, that way baby #1 won't associate the reason he/she is going to daycare with baby #2. Also if it is a difficult transition you won't want to have to deal with that and a new baby at the same time. I would also try to make it fun, "You a big boy/girl and now you get to go to daycare and play with friends, baby is too little they don't get to do that" It worked with my niece.

Everyone is right about germs though, be prepared for illness if baby goes to daycare. I have experience with this with my own son.

Answer 10

I have a 3 year old and a 2 year old. I would definetely place the first child in daycare. Its hard enough taking care of one child but now you have a newborn. With my first one i read to her all the time and sang and just taught her alot of things. She was potty trained at an early age and spoke with full sentences at an early age. With the second i had both kids and didnt work. Well i was so busy with both that i hardly had time for the second to do all those things i did with my first. It may not be the reason but i feel like if i would of been able to spend more time alone with the second child then she would be as advanced as her older sister. So its up to you really.

Answer 11

as a preschool teacher and former director and now home daycare provider i will tell you the one thing i have seen is that if you are going to do this you need to do it way ahead of time so your first child does not feel that in any way you are replacing him or her i have seen parent have a baby and the following week bring the older one to school and that child 99.9% of the time freaks out if they are older they will say don't leave me and if i can in talking to then they believe now you have the baby and so you sent me away now this will not be true of all children and it does not mean in any way your child does not feel loved or safe its just a normal way of thinking here this new person comes in and gets alot of your attention everyone is oohing and ahhhing over it and then you send me away and if they have never been in daycare before they are unsure if you will come back in how long so since you have the time do it now this way they get to know it as part of there routine so when baby comes and they return its just going back to school time not getting rid of me time at two no matter if in school or not children maybe jealous yes she may have her own friends and space but in the end she is still sharing you and dad so its not like daycare will make up for that in my professional opinion i feel until the age of 4 children do not need to go to preschool but if you do choose to send them then usually 2 to 3 half days per week seems to be a good amount of time and especially if you are working with her like finding ways to add learning to her play time she should not need to much more at 4 they can handle more of a 5 half day a week routine. and also if you start her now then if you need to stay to help her get used to it you can there is no baby to rush home with if she is having a hard day of non stop crying you can just run back and get her and again no baby to wake up and run out with so i really would say if you are going to do this 2 half days and start now so she and you have a long time to ease into it.