my husband cheated on me how do i get through this?

Question

we have been married for 5 years and have a daughter. my husband started to accuse me of cheating on him. but come to find out he was cheating on me with another married girl. he told me that he never cheated on me, but he told this girl that he loved her and they belong together, he said if i loved him i would let it go. it has been 2 months since this has happened he has not talk to her that i know of, i dont trust him how can i ever get that back. i have never been on my own and i am scared i wont be able to support my daughter or that i would not be strong enough i am so scared and he knows it. What do i do? will it get easier?

Answer 1

I have been on the other side of this...I cheated on my wife of 6yrs.

It was a horrible and discusting thing to do and though she has forgiven me...you never get over the fact that you are a "cheater". A lable that can never go away.

This site really helped us - www.marriagebuilders.com

Sometimes people find ways to justify their actions to appease their conscience, especially when they have resentment for the "wrongs" that they feel have been done to them. In retrospect, those "wrongs done to me were actually quite minor but WE failed as a couple to care enough about our relationship to COMMUNICATE our feelings and design a "game plan" to fix us.

Sometimes in a marriage things get too comfortable and routine..that's normal. Where it all goes wrong is that no one care or knows how to handle that situation due mostly to immaturity.

We sought counseling, anti-depressant pills and MADE time for US to "date" again.

If he TRUELY is sorry, he will evaluate what in his life take priority (his family) and make the decision to fight for your trust.

Here is how I proved myself -

I got a new cell number, gave her the UNOPENED bill when it came in the mail so she can review my calls.

I gave up hanging with my "boys" for a while, unless I could (with her permission) have them over our house.

Called her when I got to work, at lunch (sometime invited her to join) and when I left so she knew exactly where I was and when I was supposed to be home since she knew my commute time.

I showed her how to lock the computer options so that I couldn't erase the browser / internet history. Meaning that she could see where I have been visiting.

Gave her my log on and password to my voicemail and email adress so that she has unrestricted access.

I also called the woman I had an affair with in her presents and reaffirmed my decision to not see / or communicate in any form with her anymore and that I loved my wife and need to work on my marriage.

I am more conscience of what is on the radio, tv shows, the way I look at people, the way I speak etc... that may remind her of my infedelity.

And of course, I have made the extra effort (hiring a babysitter ect...) to take her out, buy her flowers, cards, jewelry ect..

If he is sorry..truely sorry, he will have NO problems sacrificing some privacy and letting you hold the reigns for a while.

PS - if you choose to forgive him and work it out, don't keep throwing it up in his face every second you get. I'm not saying forget that it happend but, just don't be childish about it everytime you get upset. It will take a year or so before you feel you can mostly trust him again.

Answer 2

The common reaction is to be scared to be alone and that fear is what keeps a lot of women with their cheating spouses. Your dealing with a situation where your husband was caught and it doesn’t sound like he as really admitted to cheating or taken responsibility. The problem being that he probably doesn’t regret it…the only thing he may regret at this time is getting caught.

This doesn’t mean that your relationship has to end, but he needs to live with the fact that you have the right to question his every move and he needs to account for every second away from you. Depending on how will he is to do this should tell you if he has any regret or how likely it is that he will cheat again.

As for supporting your daughter, don’t worry about that because it will be his responsibility to help take care of you and your daughter. With his infidelity you have the ball in your court if you decided to leave him ever.

Answer 3

If you are not happy and seriously not in love with him anymore is it worth it to you to stick around and become the obsessive compulsive wife that feels the need to check his every move? I see it now. You checking his phone calls, trying to read his emails, standing around the corner when he talks on the phone. Trust me hun, I know what you are going through. Nobody should ever feel the need to do this to their spouse just as well nobody should ever make there spouse feel that it is necessary. My ex husband did and was the same way yours is now. I look back and could pinpoint the day I should have left. All that sticking around did for me was make me a very angry, nosy, upset, paranoid, and difficult wife. I just don't want you to end up the same way I was. Understand that this is not your fault. You can't change people and you deserve to be treated with respect. It's no good for you, your husband, and especially your children (if you have any)! I'm not telling you to run out and get a divorce. If you have a chance at all and truly want to you should seek more counseling with him and try to make it work. I even went as far as to go to counseling without him because I felt as if my self worth was shot to the ground when I found out what he had been doing. I wish you the best of luck and try to smile. No matter what, you will get through this! to the lady below me who just game me a thumbs down... bite me! What this woman is going through is a bit different then just a man and woman as friends. There is a line between chatting to chat and chatting for something else! Her husband obviously crossed that line so give a little slack!

Answer 4

You are already making the mistake of feeling you have to be doing something! IT will be HIS place to prove to you that he can be trusted here on out. He's the one who did wrong, not you, so all the hard work should be placed on his shoulders.

You nor your daughter need to live a life with cheater. He's not only cheating you, he's cheating her too. His time with another woman has taken his presious moments with not only you, but her time as well away!

Don't ever think you can't support yourself and your daughter! Times can feel down and out at first, but if your not LAZY, you will get out there and support yourselves. There is always child support you can get for her and sence he's commeted adultry, I'd even sue for alimoney! That along with a job, you and the daughter should do just fine!

HOW do I know? Because I did it! The only difference was that I had "4" children to support, not only 1. And I DID IT!!

Answer 5

If you're not scared of living with this man, you shouldn't be scared of anything. Get yourself a job, if you don't already have one and start saving some money. Or, go back to school, if you can. You have a daughter to think about, so stop being scared and start preparing for the possibility of raising her alone.

You may never trust your husband again, so stop worrying about that. Take it a day at a time, until you feel comfortable with him again.

Answer 6

If he's giving you the 'if you love me you would let me go' bit, that's a pretty good indication that he wants out. We never own a person, so you can never 'get him back'. And he wants to make you feel bad for HIS misbehavior by accusing you of cheating? Perhaps the only reason he hasn't talked to her (supposedly) lately, can be that SHE broke it off and is trying anew with her husband. In that case, it's most likely only a matter of time before he finds someone else. You should never stay in a situation because you're afraid you don't have the strength to stand on your own. It's a very scary conception to someone who has never done so, but wouldn't you rather slay that dragon with a better chance of happiness than to torment yourself by staying with this selfish loser? Via divorce, you will be granted child support to help with your finacial situation. Right now, count on family, friends, or your church if you have to. At the very least, seek counseling as a couple and if he's not willing to go, then he's not interested in maintaining the marriage. Good luck to you...

Answer 7

If your husband stopped cheating then only time will heal and yes it does get easier and you will learn to trust him again. Don't ever think you can't make it on your own, if need be you will learn how to be independent and that is a great feeling. Don't let a man run all over you because he knows your scared, show him your not.

Answer 8

Bless your heart honey I've been there. It hurts bad, but can you forgive and forget? That's the question only you can answer. You can only trust him again if he makes it a top priority to gain your trust back. I was scared to, never been on my own either, but I did it! It's hard and takes time, but you can do it. He knows you are scared and he will use that against you. Do it for yourself and your daughter. Both of you deserve better. I think he should of thought about his daughter before doing it, now look what he's putting you both through. I pray everything works out for you both. God Bless.

Answer 9

Once trust is broken it takes time to get it back. From what I have read it take at LEAST two years, which means you will be re-living a lot at first and a little less as time goes on.

As for your fear, that is natural. However, do something about it. Take classes at a Junior College transfer to a State School get a degree. By bettering yourself you are also bettering the future of your child. You will have to sacrifice time with your child to do this. Make the commitment to your future and do it.

Answer 10

i would get out this marriage now b4 it gets rough he cheated on you clearly the man doesnt love you enough to be faithfull, once a cheater always a cheater i mean you can get someone who truly loves you and wants you and your daughter and will love and never cheat on you, now your daughter with out a shadow of a doubt can get visiting rights and wont have to forget about her father ever i mean its still her father but do you honestly think that this piece of **** still love you even after cheating on you

we are all in denial about something and he just proved what he was in denail of so think about it and make the right decision

good luck i hope things go well