How do you stop hating and fighting with your ex for the kids?

Question

I get sick of us fighting and using horrible language in front of the children. but it makes me sick to even look at him and he hates me too.

Answer 1

Put your hatred aside, and act like civilized adults. If he starts with comments that push your buttons, don't respond to them and stick to the matter at hand.

Answer 2

Well maybe you can look into a parenting coordinator to setup a schedule that would be in the best interest of the kids. This way you have a neutral party that each of you can go to state your positions separately and in that way limit the time fighting.

As for the hating part I have taken the position of "dropping the rope" that is not looking for the a fight but rather look at it as a sickness. If you don't engage in the fight than the other person has no where to go with it. Remember life is too short for hating it is self destructive

Answer 3

The only reason the two of you are still fighting after divorce, is that you both have unresolved issues with each other. The same reason you fought when you were married. Its also a way to stay emotionally connected. Eather way it is not healthy for these children. They have suffered a bad marriage, and now they are suffering a bad divorce. The two of you do not hate each other, you hate whats happened to your relationship. Your marriage got off track and neither of you were able to help it back on. Now you both are angry, and blame each other for the failure. Its no one persons fault. But the fighting is. Try your best to calm this situation down. No more personal attacks, no more defensiveness. don't take everything personal,, be the person he fell in love with, how could he fight with that?

Answer 4

You are an adult. Lowering yourself to his level is only showing the kids that you're weak. Be the stronger person and ignore rude comments and only discuss what you still have to deal with him on, the kids. The two of you fighting and arguing can have a long lasting affect on your kids and they can grow up and get into unhealthy relationships because that's the way they see it. Also, explain to the kids that you are wrong for acting like that and you will try to do better for their sake. If you can't keep from fighting on pick up and drop off days, find a neutral party where the kids can be picked up and dropped off so you don't even have to deal with each other.

Answer 5

My husband and his ex divorced when my step-son was 2 1/2. He's now 15. We have been married for 10 yrs. and have two daughters. There were many, many, many times that my husband should have slammed his ex for her selfish behavior or bold-faced lies, but he ALWAYS chose to take the high road. Did he have fights with her? Of course. But, NEVER in front of their son. NEVER! I don't care what your ex-husband does...everything you say and do effects your children. Maybe you should consider having a sit down meeting with him...in a park, at McDonald's, wherever...WITHOUT the kids. Take the higher road, not once should you raise your voice-I don't care what he calls you...be the better person for your kids. Tell him that you two were once married and had these kids together out of love and respect. That THEY still deserve that love and respect. If he fights this concept, keep trying-do not give up. Your behavior is directly effecting their future regarding family, love, trust, etc... Smile, work things out for the kids. You don't have to be the Brady bunch, but show your kids that you are a descent, positive mother...and NEVER trash their dad! Get over your potty mouth, too. What message does that send to children?! Good luck. and remember...it's about your kids and their feeling of security, not your past with your ex-husband.

Answer 6

This situation is just SCREAMING for an episode of Jerry Springer. Honey, you made the decision to be with someone who is older than you, with a child, and not in your league. It sounds like you want him to be someone that he is not, and that you want him to totally ignore the ex altogether. As a divorced man I can tell you that totally cutting off your ex is impossible. Especially if there is a child involved. Take a step back, look at the situation for what it is, and make a decision as to whether or not you want this to be your life. From the sounds of it, you deal with this pain daily and it is effecting you big time. But I promise you this - there is NO WAY that he is going to cut off the ex. She is the mother of his child, and even if she is a leetching skank, she will always be a part of your boyfriend's life. I wish you luck - that is not an enviable situation you are in. I hope you do what is best for yourself in the end.

Answer 7

It is easy enough to keep an argument going,but very hard to argue when your the only one arguing.You really don't have to argue with him unless for some reason you enjoy it.If you to can't have a civil conversation,back off and let him think he was won the argument.Besides,no one really wins when you fight whether it is in front of the children or not.You be the bigger person and let it go.Especially if you know that you will have the children with you when all is said and done.

Answer 8

grow up, all the fighting and cursing only affect the kids do not wait until the kids are 18 before you both realize it is too late people break up every day for many reasons this is sufferings that a kid will never forget I am35 and went threw what your kids are going threw horrible it cuts threw the soul like a blade no one really wins in life because we all have the same end

Answer 9

using horrible language is demeaning period, to anyone! you need to learn to communicate properly. how can you look at yourself & not hate what you are doing to your children? agree to disagree with him & state that in a calm & non-defamatory tone. details of visitation should be formalized. you should be able to exchange the children in a way that doesnt make the other feel inadequate as a parent. stop the confrontational looks, assumptions & B.S. as you know you cannot have joy & happiness in your own life if you continue to harbor resentment. you & him are O V E R. Rejoice! internally :) Your children will absorb & react to their future relationships how they've been exposed to dealing with them. Stop the mouse wheel & be a role model they'll be proud of. You are always their mother & he is always their father. They need to be assured they're loved even though they're 1/2 him... doesnt take a rocket scientist to know they've thought that way or will... depending on their current age & level of exposure to your abuse. Counseling does work when ya know ya need to make essential changes & are open to learning. Please make it a great 2007 & turning point to a healthier family! My thoughts & prayers go out to you all.

Answer 10

Sadly only thing you can try is to sit down with him and be straight.

Basically tell him you know feelings are mutual but you both love kids. In interest of loving the kids suggest to him a truce. Try to be as fair as possible in terms of custody etc.

Sadly? It takes two to be reasonable. No garantee he will agree. Mabye he's too angry or controlling. Still, statistically speaking, he is unlikely to be one of the few that does not love his kids.