My boyfriends ex-wife (they've been divorced for 4 yrs) won't allow me to attend any of their children school or dance functions. Even though the kids and he would like me to be there. My boyfriend says just to give her some time. I think she is being petty and jealous., and that he should just take me, I am an upstanding citizen and a good role model. I don't think she has a right to say anything as long as I am not a danger to her children. He won't stand up to her about anything. They're his kids too, how come she gets to rule the roost in his life even though they are no longer married?? Am I being stupid?? What should I do??
2007-01-02 23:31:04 · 17 answers · asked by dreamgirl 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
4 years is a long time for her to keep it up. But if it isn't a problem for him then don't push the subject. You have every right to be upset about the situation. He sounds kind of d**kless to let her run everything like that. But he also might know how important it is to her and just be giving her some breathing room.
2007-01-02 23:41:26 · answer #1 · answered by MamaCat 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It depends on how long you and your boyfriend have been together. If you and he have been together for 2 years or more, and are officially on your way to getting married then maybe you have a point. Otherwise your just a girlfriend and can be changed at any time. In fact, the kids shouldn't even know you unless you two are in a very serious committed relationship leading to marriage. It's unhealthy for the children to see either parent changing f... buddies every other week. Besides, those type of events are for family. You are not married to your boyfriend. Therefore, you don't have the title Step Mom. The children are not your family. The only possible exception to marriage being the two of you living together as if you were married.
2007-01-03 07:47:15 · answer #2 · answered by david419_2000 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Talk with him about how you are feeling. If he is serious about the relationship then he needs to allow you to be involved in his children's life.
The children need to know that you want to be a part of their life. However you don't say how long you have been seeing him. Is this a new relationship? Or have you been dating him for a long time.
If you have been going out for a long time then be care full, they may be divorced but SHE may still rule this nest.
If it a relatively new relationship, give it some time. Some couples separate and agree not to have other parties involved seriously with the children until they are sure it is going to be a serious relationship. This helps to ensure the children are not exposed to numerous "Girlfriends or boyfriends" which is not a bad thing.
2007-01-03 08:05:49 · answer #3 · answered by just_trump_my_ace 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let it go, they are ultimately her kids and not yours. Imagine how you would feel if another woman came into your children's lives, I'm willing to bet you would be a little jealous also. He's not standing up to her because it will cause a lot of unnecessary problems between them and will most likely effect the kids. He's doing a good thing.
Also, until you are married to him, she really doesn't have to accept you into her children's lives. What if her ex had a history of dating many women and bringing them into his children's lives? Do you think that's good for her kids? She probably does not want them to get attached to you until she knows you're going to be around for good.
Your man is right, give her time and don't expect her to give in until he has made a more solid commitment to you or the two of you are married.
2007-01-03 07:38:38 · answer #4 · answered by lookinforanswers 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Since you aren't married yet, I'd start having this discussion with him NOW, before you do get married. If you're going to be a permanent part of his life, his ex-wife is going to have to accept that at some point, and accept that you're going to be around her children. There's nothing she can do about that, unless she plans to completely cut the father out of his kids' lives forever. The ex-wife needs to get her head out of her @ss and start behaving like an adult. She's no longer your BF's wife and needs to stop trying to control everything. It's not her place.
2007-01-03 08:04:41 · answer #5 · answered by Heather C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just go. She will not risk a scene in front of people just because you are there.
She is wanting to feel in control and I would think you are the first person he has had anything serious with since his divorce so I suppose she held out hope they would get back together and now you are on the scene she has realised it isn't going to happen. She needs to understand you are around for a while and she can't control what you do.
Be discreet though and sit away from her and don't approach the children when they are with her. Let them come to you. It will get better in time believe me.
2007-01-03 07:37:42 · answer #6 · answered by Bagpuss 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
No, you're not being stupid. I was in the same situation with my husbands daughters until two years ago. They are 15 yr old twins. Even though their marriage was over when I met my husband and they were living in two different states, she blamed me for their breakup. For 7 yrs she wouldn't allow my husband to bring them here, and if I went with him to visit them there, she wouldn't let them see him. I would go visit other family members and not even be around the kids, but me just being in the same state would be enough for her to pull his visitation. Two yrs ago, when she found out I had cancer and could be dying, she allowed them to come for the summer and allowed it again this past summer. Your boyfriend needs to put his foot down. If you are in a serious relationship and may have a future together, he needs to stand up for you. If the mother is thinking you're not really committed, she may be thinking that you are only the beginning of many that will be going in and out of her kids lives. He needs to communicate with her and if she denies him visitation because of you, she is in contempt of court and could get fined and possibly some jail time if it keeps happening.
2007-01-03 07:51:09 · answer #7 · answered by leigh 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yah, its unfair to you. If after talking to him, yet he still agree with her(ex-wife), then maybe he's a pushover to her.
But then again, since the kids are under the custody of his ex-wife, he has a say to the kids' affairs. It all depends on what is on the legal papers. Also, maybe the kids are important to your boyfriend, he dont want to lose even to see the kids if he has provoke his ex-wife.
Well, believe communication is important. Thus, maybe three of you should meet and discuss over it. Maybe it'll help but maybe not, but its no harm to try... You never know, maybe there has been some sort of misunderstanding that has caused her decision to do so...
2007-01-03 07:49:40 · answer #8 · answered by Mary 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try to be patient, even though you're obviously hurt. Some adults have a very difficult time accepting that their ex has moved on. Sounds like she's one of those adults. Spend quality time with the kids when they're with their father, at his place. As long as he has open visitation, there's nothing she can do about it. As for him, he may just want to avoid angry confrontations with his ex. I know it's not easy, but it's important for you to be the better person!
2007-01-03 07:50:53 · answer #9 · answered by grandm 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no you are not being stupid you need to stand on your feet and demand that you get to go make him an ultimatum that you either get to go or you are leaving him then see what he says you will know where you stand with him. if he don.t let you go then you should really leave him on the grounds babe you will never be nothing to him and nothing you will ever say will get anywhere and then the kids will grow older and it will only become worse.you deserve better then that and should not put up with that one more day. stand your ground girl and make your plans together she is the ex wife right well she is the ex for a reason let it be known that she has been replaced and if she is to immature about it maybe next time she will handle her business better.
2007-01-03 07:39:01 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋