How do I keep my fears, emotions and distrust from this marriage from carrying over to my next relationship?

Question

I am getting out of an abusive relationship with a drug addict, alcoholic and severely depressed man. Our marriage has been over for months and I have moved on. I am TRYING to move on. I am worried that my feelings of being hurt (emotionally and physically), and the fact that nothing that ever came out of my husbands mouth was the truth will carry over into my new relationship. How do I keep that from happening? I really care about this new guy. I don't want this to mess things up with us.

Answer 1

First thing, Do not Judge this man by your ex husband. I am sure you have been through hell, but when you start judging and mistrusting this man, your only hurting yourself. All men are not alike, just like women are not all alike. Be careful here, judge him wrong and he will be gone.

Answer 2

This is going to be really hard. I hope this new guy has a lot of patience and understanding. What you need to do is to gradually set up the goals of where you want your relationship to be emotionally in a week, in a month, in three months, etc. These goals must be clearly communicated between the two of you, and both of you must work on them together. Setting the goals will help you keep focused and stay on the right track. Always check the deadlines and evaluate your progress. If the goal is not being met (for example, goal: "in three months, I can become 20 % open with my new guy about my fears"), and then by the end of third month you realize that you still cannot be open about your fears, even by 20 %, then evaluate why exactly the goal has not been met. Maybe you need to specifically identify those fears, give each of them a name, watch closely the emotions that get to the surface when you are experiencing that specific fear, etc. Try to classify you fears, organize them, learn to recognize them so you can effectively manage them. Unless you recognize, classify, organize, and label all your fears and emotions, your consciousness will be in a totall chaos that will prevent you from managing them effectively and skid you off the track in every somewhat challenging situation. If you have difficulties with meeting a goal, don't get upset! Acknowledge that you did not meet it on time as was initially expected, and try again. Never yell at yourself, love yourself and ask yourself in a nice way to try again. Don't set the goals too high! When setting them, see what you can do and what you cannot do yet. The goals must be reasonable and achievable. And they must pertain to your relationship, so they can improve the relationship, not only you. They must be common goals between you and your guy, with the main purpose to grow the relationship stronger, with time. And your guy must work with you together on them! Your recovery is going to take a long time. I don't know for how long you have been in an abusive relationship. From what I read in your post, It will be at least a year when you will start seeing the first results. But this is your life, and you must make it to be a very happy one for you, whether with the new guy or not. Good Luck to you! :)

Answer 3

Chances are the new relationship will be abusive also.
If that is what attracted you to the first man the second probably has the same personality.

You need to take a step back and evaluate the new guy and get some counseling so it doesn't happen to you again.

I doubt if the first man suddenly became abusive and a drug addict. He had all the signs before you hooked up with him, and the second is probably showing the same signs that you are choosing to ignore.

Answer 4

You are wise to ask this question. You have had a tornado in your life. An addict, and an abuser? Pat yourself on the back for dumping this loser and living to tell about it.

Normally I would advise: Stay out of a relationship for a while. That is a moot point.

Get some counseling help or therapy. If you don't deal with the fallout from this past relationship it will repeat itself.

Also, sit down with this new guy and tell him about your concerns. Tell him it is not about him but stuff you need to deal with. Tell him you may be triggered to have feelings about the old relationship sometimes and you want to get help for this. If this new man does not understand or tries to talk you out of therapy, stand your ground. You really need this.

If you get therapy, at some point the therapist may want to bring in your new partner. IF this guy is so wonderful, he will readily agree, even though he will naturally feel a but anxious about it.

I want to honor your bravery and honesty.

Answer 5

YOU need to find YOU again. The only way you are going to do this is to gain back your self respect again. You sacrified it for someone in your past who did not have your best interest at heart, and did not respect you as an individual. Go to counseling. There are support groups available as well. Once you gain your confidence back, and know that you will NEVER ALLOW that again, talk to your new guy about it, let him know you demand respect, and that certain things are totally unacceptable to you anymore. If he is a stand up guy, you'll find out sooner than you think and if not, as well. A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WITH CONFIDENCE AND PRIDE IS A GREAT THING, you'll always be able to be fine with JUST yourself, no matter what happens, relationship or not! Good luck!

Answer 6

Remember this is a different person, give him the chance
to show you who he really is, and you will need to see
a lot of actions from him not just words as you stated
was the case of your ex. If this person is the right one he will definately show his love for you in many different
ways and if he is the right one he will make you change
from the feelings that you have now. Main thing is give it
sometime as you are going through a healing process in
life because of your abusive relationship with your ex-
and you need to not get into the same situation. Time
heals all and let this new man show you that he is or
is not for you and once you know for sure he is the
right one then your past thoughts will automatically
disappear.

Answer 7

Firstly you need to tell him exactly what when on in the marriage so that he will understand if you lose it a bit. The only way to try and have a successful relationship after abuse is to learn to trust again. It will take a long time but you will get there. Not all men are abusive and like your ex but time is a great healer and you will be happy one day - I promise - just take it slow

Answer 8

We live in an age dominated by fear; Some of these fears are basic - the fear of death, illness, rejection, failure, old age. These frightful feelings may have become so strong that you are imprisoned by them. Avoidance of the places or people who remind you of your fear becomes a common practice.
Learned Fears During our childhood and adolescent years, we learn negative as well as positive behaviours. Have you ever wished you had stronger willpower? How can you make yourself stop doing things you don't want to do? When a person thinks a negative thought and tries to get rid of it, that person is thinking positively negatively. Thinking is like breathing: It goes on night and day and you can't stop it. But you can change it.
Forgiving is not condoning. In some cases, "forgiving and forgetting" is not only impossible, but immoral. Holding on to bitterness and anger can cause problems of their own, so if you have ever been victimized, being able to forgive your victimizer is a crucial part of your healing.

Answer 9

Trust is earned and once you have been hurt badly it seems to take forever for trust to happen again, so as long as you are honest with your new man and he is aware of how fragile you are right now you should see him trying to make you comfortable and not upset you . this is also a good time to check yourself if you have the tendency to be attracted to untrustworthy men. Some times our subconscious will tell us to look for the wrong qualities or lack there-of in men. look closely to make sure you are not setting your self up for failure again. sometimes our disfunction began in childhood and the love our parents had we look for in relationships so remember just because mom and dad did it does not make it right for us. good luck

Answer 10

Then be totally honest with this new guy. Please trust me. Don't spill your guts out and hope that he will mop them up later, and don't fall on your face in front of him and hope he catches you. Treat him like a human being and don't drag him into this.

Disattach yourself from your past relationship, because this new guy is NOT the old guy. This new guy is your new beginning, to be treated like anything that you cherish.

Sometimes the tarnish in our own lives we think needs to be the tarnish of someone else, but that is not the case. Like anything that we admire, we need to treat that with respect, dignity, and the capability of being what they are. Don't let your unforgiveness ruin this new chance you have.