Can I still take risks at my age?

Question

After 18 years of marriage, last year I found out my husband was cheating. Five months ago he left home to live by himself but comes back to our house every weekend. 2 weeks ago he told me that he wanted to reassure me that he is not attached to anyone else. Our marriage had problems especially because of his dominant ways. For the past year I have been in turmoil not having the strength to stop him coming over or to stick to any ultimatums. He now says he wants to wait till the summer before coming home. In the meantime, out of the blue I have met a man who is 51 nearer to my age as my husband is only 41, who wants to date me. I have kept him at arms length, but I must admit I am enjoying the attention. If I wasn't married he would be ideal for me. I feel that I would be unfaithful to my husband if I was to accept this man's invitations. I don't know what to do for the best. My husband's future plans are not clear, then there is our age difference. What would you do in my place?

Answer 1

Hello,

First of all happy new year to you, I was very moved by your posting & I can see why you feel so torn apart inside after the events you've described. The answer here in my opinion lyes clearly in your heart, ask yourself who of these two men will offer you the real deep love & caring you so desire and deserve?

**I would suggest to you that for any relationship to work well, it has to be based upon a bedrock of certain things. The bedrock needs to be trust, friendship, genuine concern for the other persons well being as well as intimacy, love & sexuality,etc.

**IF trust has been betrayed or damaged or lost its incredibly hard and takes a VERY long time to be healed or recovered. And to trust that person again after such hurtful events.

**Ask your self who you would trust MOST out of these two men in your life, if you gave them a simple task of some kind? you could even do that, set each man a simple task to see who is most trustworthy (but you may know already??).

**Sometimes in life, age does infact make a big difference. What do I mean? well someone closer to your own age will hopefully have had more life experience and be able to see & appreciate your point of view more easily. Were as a younger partner might be, or remain far more inmature & not even be willing to try to understand your feelings & opinions.

**Life is always without doubte full of change, we all have to change, change happens even when we dont want it or dont welcome it. So with that in mind it would be very ironic indeed for you to turn the tables upon your old partner by dating someone else. A dose of his own medicine might be just what the doctor ordered??

**Perhaps its time to have a relationship with someone who would respect you & love you in a more equal way?? Only you can answer this nobody else but the answer is in your heart.

Warm Regards to you!
IR

Answer 2

if i were u, i would file for divorce, as your husband is still cheating on u, and isn't certain if he wants to give up the other woman yet, so he keeps u waiting, and your life on hold, so he can pursue her, with promises he will be coming home to u, but u can't believe that. if u have met someone else, and feel he is okay and u like him, than get your divorce, stop the husband from coming back whenever he chooses, as he has already cheated on u, and is still cheating, or he would have already been home. get rid of the husband, as he has already shown he is a cheater, and u will really never be able to be sure he won't keep cheating.your marriage was not perfect either, so give the other man the chance, but file for divorce, u would never be in this place right now if your husband had not put u there, don't let your husband decide your future, seems as if he has already hurt u enough by his cheating ways.

Answer 3

You say that "Your husbands future plans are not clear" I think you should make them clear for him, go out with this new man for a date and see how you feel, you would have nothing to feel guilty for, did your husband feel guilty when he was cheating on you, I doubt it.

Put yourself first for once, because no-one else will, especially your husband! He's playing games, keeping you dangling, saying he wants to wait until the summer before moving back, why wait if he loved you and wanted to make your marriage work he would want to move home straight away.

I know its not easy, but i do hope you can be strong enough to tell him that you can't wait till the summer, because you have a life to be getting on with.

Answer 4

Don't let a chance of happiness pass you by waiting for your husband to decide what he wants. Why does he need to wait til the summer? If he wants you back he would come home now. He is playing games, he wants to reassure himself that he has you hanging waiting for him. Move on with your life hun its too short. You will most probably find your husband will want to come back as soon as he knows you are seeing someone else. He doesnt want you but he wont want anyone else to have you either. Good luck and every happiness to you. If i was in your place i would go for it with the new man.

Answer 5

Your husband seems to think he can walk in and out of your life and home at will! Now he says he won't come home before the summer...... what does he expect you to do for 6 months. Twiddle your thumbs? Life is too short to waste. I suggest you contact a solicitor to file for a divorce and certainly see the new man if you want to. Your husband is not considering you in his plans. No point waiting for the summer and then find he's not coming home after all! And even if he did come home, he doesnt sound very nice!

Answer 6

First of all, wake up! Your husband IS STILL CHEATING ON YOU. MOREOVER, HE IS EATING THE CAKE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. if he REALLY wanted to pursue a marriage with you, he would be home with YOU> You need to file for separation. YOUR life is what is important here. You have allowed someone to diminish any morals you truly were taught or believed in. Turn the tables, would you expect him to be in your shoes if you were off philandering around??? If the 51 year old is a great guy, and more mature (hopefully!), that he will wait for you to get your stuff together. Don't rebound! That never works. Work on you first. Gain back your self respect and your self love. It's obviously gone, or you would not be putting up with your husbands, lies, infidelity, controlling/manipulative behavior, ultimatums???? What the heck is that anyhow! Move on Girl, life is too short!!!!!

Answer 7

I don't see a problem with accepting a dinner date from this guy - You don't have to have sex with him afterwards!

If your husband cheated on you throughout 18 years of marriage and doesn't live with you any more (regardless of the fact you're not actually divorced yet) I think you should get out and meet new people and have some fun!

Answer 8

Morally you have the right to divorce you husband. Seeing another man while married is not a moral decision. you seem to be a moral person since you have kept the other man at arms length. Are you asking this question in hopes of being given permission to do something you know is wrong by people who don't know you?
Do you love your husband enough to work it out? Do you think he is being faithful to you now? Do you think if you stay toghether he will be faithful in the future? Answer those questions first, then decide if you want to work it out or not. If not file for divorce, then date the other man.

Answer 9

It seems to me so far he is calling all the shots. You need to know where you stand with your husband before you start anything new. Its best to be single and available if you want to see this other man. Ask your husband once and for all what he is playing at and if he is prepared to commit to you and be faithful to you. If he wants to be with you and not lose you he will do what it takes. If not you are then free to pursue a bit of fun with this other man. Good luck.

Answer 10

Ur husband did cheat - and no woman or man deserves a cheating partner!! after 18 years of marriage i dont think he is going to change - and then there is the age difference as well!! Move on and give a decent man a chance to make u happy!!