Its her marriage
and the problem is her husband. He Is a very clean person and she is not.They often get into fights about this.I believe a big part of her problem is due to the fact that she is depressed.But she tells me when he comes home he wants the house clean. and if its not, hes really mean to her. she told me that he will call her dumb a ss and lazy a ss and worthless piece of sht and stupid mthrfcker. and a few other choice words. She knows she is messy and she knows that its really not fair to him. cuz i asked her that. she says he thinks the only way he can get her to clean is if he is an a sshole to her. she said when he is really p issed at her he will hide things from her and throw her things away. he has broken all the dinning room chairs during fits of rage. I asked her has he ever hit you and she said no. theyve been together 20 years and its always been like this. DOes her husband have a right to treat her this way because she is messy? he told her he wanted a divorc
2007-01-02 17:27:34 · 23 answers · asked by Crissy 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thankyou for all of your wonderful advice. The truth hurts and reality is painful.
2007-01-02 17:55:15 · update #1
It sounds like a very destructive relationship, and they should definitely separate, but she should be the one asking first based on spousal abuse. Don't let him take the power position here. The name calling is mental abuse, and the physical acting out is just unnecessary on his part. If it wasn't her being messy, I'm sure he would just pick up on some other part of her personality or habits to pick on, she's too heavy, she works too many hours, whatever. He just sounds like a jerk who is not mature enough to voice what he really wants and their relationship has devolved past being a loving friendship, which is always a danger sign. They need to get apart and pronto. Let her know she is not alone and let her know that I am wishing her luck at future happiness without such a destructive presence in her life. Good luck!
2007-01-02 17:32:38 · answer #1 · answered by Genius Squirrel 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
All I can say is the guy is a real JERK!!!! There is NO excuse for calling a Spouse bad words, and I don't care what the reason is. He must have other anger problems if he's gonna lash out over a messy house! He should get OFF his A** and help his Wife and it's 50/50 with chores around the house!
Your Friend needs to "X" this guy out of her life!
When a person talks down another thinking they are MAKING them do something in order to be controlling, it only makes the matter worse! Would you or anybody want to eat after being punched in the stomach??
Then, you dont badmouth another to their face like that!
And, Rage is scary and a different problem!
Your friend should go file for Divorce first! She has good reason, not the man! He just wants someone to control and walk on that's all!
Call the Police if he has a "fit rage" again! Be safe!
2007-01-02 17:44:05 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, I disagree. The problem is her marriage but not her husbands, it's her. If a couple is married and he works for a living he needs a CLEAN home in which to come home to. A man's home is his castle, all day at work he listens to others, doing things their way, so at the end of the day all he wants is to go home and relax...but if he steps in the door to filth and clutter what would any ones reaction be but to be upset. I don't agree with the belittling and name calling, but he has to be some kind of saint to put up with her sloppy ways for 20 years, and the old saying is "you can't teach an old dog a new trick" so in a way it is just as much his fault that she is like she is after all that time. I would recommend her seeing someone about her lazy habits and try to work on being a cleaner person if she were really wanting to be a better wife. As for the husband, I would have walked 19 years ago myself, there is really no excuse for filth, clutter yes, and while she was down the hallway talking to the therapist he needs to check on an anger management class for himself.
2007-01-02 17:45:27 · answer #3 · answered by sassywv 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, first of all, both are wrong. She knows he gets mad when the house is messy, but yet she continues to do it. And he's wrong for becoming a raging idiot over the messy house.
What these two need is a compromise. For example, maybe she can talk him into "areas of responsibility". If she takes out the trash or clean up the bathroom or a small list of things everyday, he'll be happy.
If she continues this, he'll get more and more stupid. For example, he will get in a fit of rage for one dirty dish even though it was okay with him in the past.
Anger builds through time if it doesn't get resolved.
Now, on to him. He's quite the jerk. He apparently cares more about his clean house than his wife's feelings. Does she make it known that she doesn't like it when he talks to her like that? Or does she just let it go. He'll continue doing it if she lets him go. Down the road, the cursing words will get more worse and more damaging.
Sure, I understand that he likes a clean house. Hell, so do I. But every once in awhile, things get dirty. But, no need to jump all over my wife for something she left out.
So, he wants a divorce. Quite a dumb reason, and it'll make for a chuckle for the judge to hear he wants a divorce over a dirty house.
If this does happen, be prepared he's going to bring out all the dirt.
But yet, she has great ammunition. His damaging words are mental anguish to her. And judges don't like that when men are pri*ks to their wives.
She's got to clean up her act and he's got to lighten up a little.
Maybe these two have way more issues than just the clean house bit. The clean house thing is just an anger outlet for him to release his anger on a daily basis.
2007-01-02 17:38:40 · answer #4 · answered by Scott D 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
They both have a problem.He won't change and she won't change.Why not leave each other alone.20 years is way too long to leave like that.Yes, divorce would be the best thing.because it seems that that is not the only problem they have.There must be more to it.Being messy is not a big deal.She can hire someone to clean the house once a week.
2007-01-02 17:48:21 · answer #5 · answered by avavu 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Marriage is compromise, this guy knew she was messy before he married her I am sure. He needs to back off some, and she needs to step up some. She sounds lazy, and I wouldn't want to work all day and come home to a pig sty! Tell her to start doing some cleaning, even if only one room a day. Tell him that he can't act like a 3 year old, throwing things???? geeesh!
2007-01-03 01:12:05 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it's fair that he's upset if he's the sole provider. If she does not have a job and her kids (if she has any) are able to help with chores and such - then she should be able to keep the house clean. If she also has a job though - then they both need to share in the responsibility.
He does sound like he has some anger issues though - Perhaps they need counseling.
2007-01-02 17:32:27 · answer #7 · answered by karespromise 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am keeping this short because my long answer got erased 'cos of the bad net service.
Consider getting a maid/daily cleaning service. Solves both sides of the problem.
Also, your friend may need to seek professional help as this abusive husband-wife relationship is unhealthy. Her husband's fits of rage show his inability to control his anger and things may lead from bad to the unthinkable. Mentioning divorce also signify really bad signs of your husband not loving your friend anymore
2007-01-02 17:47:29 · answer #8 · answered by bronson 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds they are complete opposite so if she loves him and wants to keep her mariage she should make a change.She should try to start taking care of the house.But I think he's very mean to her just for that.But everyone has a different way to react to any situacion and this is his reaction the way she is.They have to work out this problem together if not divorce will be the best choice for them.
2007-01-02 17:49:41 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow - a divorce is long overdue. This woman needs counseling, support and to address her depression. She will probably recover well enough to live a successful life if she wants it badly enough.
The guy needs counseling for his rage and verbal and physical abusiveness. Who knows what effort level he will expend, but that won't be her problem any longer.
2007-01-02 17:41:21 · answer #10 · answered by Lake Lover 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋