Can you correct this composition for me? Please focus on the language.?

Question

Enterprise
According to a research, Chinese students lack enterprise. Hence, they can’t achieve more. Today’s society is a knowledge society. If one wants to succeed, he/she should attain more. To my eye, a good college student has to be aggressive in today’s competitive society. Enterprise is the most important personal quality a university student requires for success in today’s society.

A person, who lacks enterprise, will be self-satisfied with himself/herself. Therefore, he/she will achieve nothing. For example, the Chinese talented youngster, Fang Zhongyong, could write poems when he was five. However, he lacked enterprise and was just satisfied with himself. He never learned how to write better poems from then on. As a result, he became an ordinary people when he was twenty years old. He failed in leading（是LIVING?） a successful life.
On the contrary, people who have enterprise will achieve their goals and make something of themselves even though they are not gifted. For example, Helen Keller, a handicapped person, succeed in her life and earned her fame. Helen Keller can’t see, can’t hear and can’t speak. It is very difficult for her to lead a normal life. However, Helen was aggressive; she had her heart set on knowledge. When she knew a new word, she was eager to learn another one. As a result, she was famous for her achievement in writing.
Another enterprising person is Albert Einstein. He was considered to be foolish when he was a child. What’s worse, his teachers looked down upon him. However, he had enterprise and worked hard at what he interested in. In 1905, he evolved the theory of relativity. At that time, he earned his fame. He was not content with his achievement and still worked hard. Thanks to his enterprise, the quantum theory came out. Being aggressive enabled Einstein to achieve more and succeed in society.

From what I said above, I can conclude that enterprise is the key to succeed in today’s society. Enterprise can inspire people to learn more and achieve more. Contemporary college students are surplus since the government enlarged the enrolment for colleges. College degree has lost its magic. As a result, college students face an intense competition. Hence, only when they master more knowledge and achieve more can they make it in today’s society.

Answer 1

Revisions in all caps. Hope it helps

According to a research, Chinese students lack enterprise. Hence, they can’t achieve more. Today’s society is a knowledge society. If one wants to succeed, he/she should attain more KNOWLEDGE. IN my OPINION, a good college student has to be aggressive in today’s competitive society. Enterprise is the most important personal quality a university student requires for success in today’s society.

A person, who lacks enterprise, will be self-satisfied with himself/herself. Therefore, he/she will achieve nothing. For example, the Chinese talented youngster, Fang Zhongyong, could write poems when he was five. However, he lacked enterprise and was just satisfied with himself. He never learned how to write better poems from then on. As a result, he became an ordinary PERSON when he was twenty years old. He failed in （ACHIEVING) a successful life.
On the contrary, people who have enterprise will achieve their goals and make something of themselves even though they are not gifted. For example, Helen Keller, a handicapped person, succeed in her life and earned her DESERVED fame. Helen Keller COULDN'T see, COULDN'T hear and COULDN'T speak. It is very difficult for her to lead a normal life. However, Helen was aggressive; she had her heart set on knowledge. When she LEARNED a new word, she was eager to learn another one. As a result, she was famous for her achievement in writing.
Another enterprising person is Albert Einstein. He was considered to be foolish when he was a child. What’s worse, his teachers looked down upon him. However, he had enterprise and worked hard at what he interested in. In 1905, he evolved the theory of relativity. At that time, he earned his fame. He was not content with his achievement and still worked hard. Thanks to his enterprise, the quantum theory came out. Being aggressive enabled Einstein to achieve more and succeed in society.

From what I said above, I can conclude that enterprise is the key to succeed in today’s society. Enterprise can inspire people to learn more and achieve more. Contemporary college students are surplus since the government enlarged the enrolment for colleges. College degree has lost its magic. As a result, college students face an intense competition. Hence, only when they master more knowledge and achieve more can they make it in today’s society.

Answer 2

Enterprise
According to research, Chinese students lack enterprise. Hence, they can’t achieve more. Today’s society is a knowledge society. If one wants to succeed, he or she should aspire to do or be more. I believe that a good college student has to be aggressive in today’s competitive society and that enterprise is the most important personal quality a university student can have.

A person who lacks enterprise self-satisfied and does not aim to improve himself or herself. Therefore he or she will not achieve as much as someone with more ambition and desire to succeed. For example, the talented Chinese youngster Fang Zhongyong could write poems when he was five. However, he lacked enterprise and was just satisfied with himself. He contented himeslf with his level of success at that point in his life and as a result, had been absorbed by the anonomity of normality by the age of twenty.

On the contrary, people who have enterprise will achieve their goals and make something of themselves even though they are not gifted. For example, Helen Keller, a handicapped person, succeed in her life and earned her fame. Helen Keller couldn't see, hear or speak and it was thus understandably very difficult for her to lead a normal life. However, Helen was persistent and dedicated; she had her heart set on learning and succeeding in life. When she learned a new word, she was eager to learn another one. As a result, she was famous for her achievement in writing.
Another enterprising person is Albert Einstein. He was not considered to be intelligent as a child. What’s worse, his teachers looked down upon him. However, he had enterprise and worked hard at what he interested in. In 1905, he developed the theory of relativity. At that time, he became famous. He was not content with his achievement and still worked hard. Thanks to his enterprise, the quantum theory came out. Being persistent enabled Einstein to achieve more and succeed in society.

From what I said above, I can conclude that enterprise is the key to succeed in today’s society. Enterprise can inspire people to learn and achieve more. College students today are a dime a dozen and have been since the government expanded college enrollment. College degrees have lost their magic. As a result, college students face increasingly intense competition in the job market. Hence, only when they master more knowledge and achieve more can they make it in today’s society.

--I tried to leave as much of the original wording and maintain the same ideas, but I did change some of the phrasing around. Hope this helps!

Answer 3

Get rid of about half your full stops and run a few sentences together using commas and conjunctions where required. Some examples:

"According to a research, Chinese students lack enterprise hence they can’t achieve more. "

"A person, who lacks enterprise, will be self-satisfied with himself/herself, therefore, he/she will achieve nothing. "

"For example, the Chinese talented youngster, Fang Zhongyong, could write poems when he was five but he lacked enterprise and was just satisfied with himself, he never learned how to write better poems from then on. As a result, he became an ordinary person when he was twenty years old and failed to live a successful life."

I'm not going to rewrite your composition for you but you should get the idea. Make your sentences of different lengths and complexity.

Answer 4

First thing my English teacher would have shown me was how repetitive the use of the words society and today are in the first paragraph.

The opening sentence is bad and sentences are choppy. Hard to help correct when I don't exactly know what your sources say. The wrong words can change meaning.

According to a research - just sounds wrong to me.........could it say According to a recent study by so and so, or maybe According to research...

....lack enterprise making it impossible for them to achieve more.

"Today's society" Are you speaking in terms of China's society or all of society in general? Clarify a little here.

"If one wants to succeed......attain more (more what? more is a bad word to end with)

"To my eye" Does that mean In my opinion?

.....most important personal quality.....requires for success (can you say must acquire or must have or must possess instead of requires)

We have quickly gone from discussing Chinese people to talking about university students(first paragraph), which could be anybody, and on to talking about a person(second paragraph) and then to people in the third paragraph. Get your focus here and don't mislead us about who we are reading this article about okay?

As a result he became an ordinary people????? Please change that to Person. He would be a person, not people.

Suggestion here: (Instead of However, he lacked enterprise.....)
Due to lack of enterprise, he did not strive to improve his poetry. At the age of 20, F.Z. became an ordinary person failing to live the successful life he could have attained.

Gosh I am beating you up here, this is long and we've barely started. Maybe others can hit areas I have not.

Oh and please get rid of "From what I said above" Maybe say .......I believe......or say It appears that enterprise is the key to succeed in today's society.

In the last paragraph we are now discussing contemporary college students??? "students are surplus".......something is not worded right. Spell check......the word enrollment has two l's.

"College degree has lost its magic" is not a complete sentence. The college degree has lost its magic OR College degrees have lost their magic

Last paragraph started with "I can conclude" and later you are back to "as a result." Clean it up please.

Suggestion: The college degree has losts its magic and college students face intense competition. Get rid of the next two words "Hence, only"

Good luck and hope I haven't frustrated you!

Answer 5

I could edit it fiercely, but here's just a few suggestions.

1st P--Lose "a" in first sentence.

2ndP--Lose the first comma in sentence one. "As a result, he became an ordinary PERSON..."

3rd P--"Helen Keller COULDN'T see..." not can't. Past tense. She's dead. "It WAS very difficult for her..."

4th P--"...WAS Albert Einstein."

5th P--"...enterprise is the key to SUCCESS (or SUCCEEDING)..." change "enlarged" to "increased". "A college degree..." "...students face intense" (lose "an").

Answer 6

Aptitude.

Answer 7

please drop the first sentence - it adds nothing to your report. Then you need to have someone sit down with you and go over the paper. Your basic premise is good - the sentence structure just need s work