Porn never entered the pic until I found out after marriage....?

Question

I used to ask my now husband out of curiosity (like when a commercial for girls gone wild or something) if he buys those. His exact words were "I don't watch that s**t." However, after moving in his home, I have found porn movies stashed in boxes in our closets/cabinets, under things, magazines galore, and his computer too - porn and alot of just generalized girly pics. All girls. And yes, even the Paris and Girls gone wild cd's. Many have been purchased after we were married. There is, to me your normal "playboy stuff," but the porn, I can't stand. It's seems to me that anyone who needs a fix of it daily has some type of issues. What does this mean? It's one thing for us to buy something together to have some bedroom fun, but this has gone way behind that in my mind. Please, any helpful thoughts are sooo appreciated.

Answer 1

Your best bet is to not freak out and accept him as he is. I know this is counter to what your instincts probably are.

Why did he keep this from you? He probably feared your disapproval... as long as he is always there for you, and is dutiful then don't sweat this.

He's a guy and guys like sex in amounts that women just don't understand.... this is a scientific fact. Don't use your mind to judge him... imagine what he'd think of you if he used his male mind to judge you.

The more you make yourself the focus of his sexual outlets, the less time he'll have for the "porn"...

You sound very fun "one thing for us to buy something together to have some bedroom fun,"... go with this, and keep your bedroom fun, fun, fun... for guys, real life trumps fantasy girls every time.... unless he need professional help.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Probably 2-3 tapes like that could be OK. But boxes of them stashed everywhere is little bit too much! The fact that he denied that he watches porn when you asked him shows that he understands that he has a problem.
The boxes of porn really looks like an addiction. Of course you will have to tell him now about your find so both of you can start working on this problem and come to a compromise. Getting mad at him definitely will not work and will cause a lot of damage. This is something that needs to be dealt with tactfully and with an understanding.

(By the way, the producers of the Girls gone wild are being sued because it is suspected that some of the girls in their videos are underage. )

Answer 4

Listen and Understand, Porn is nothing to be worried about, many men and women have great fun with it. If you do not make it a big deal, it isn't. So DON'T. DON'T be a prune and get with the times. stay in the game, and watch a hot movie with your man. find a fantasy that you like and play it out, it's a sure way to a great time and a good laugh. Plus, you know you must have some real dirty fantasies when u rub yourself, don't you? join in the fun, and just relax, he is after all your husband. If he had an "addiction" he would not have married you, He would have stayed deeply and fully in-love with his computer.
Good Luck xxx

Answer 5

Don't take it personal, number one. Men are just far more visual creatures. Ladies have their own style of "porn" such as romance novels,chick flicks, soap operas. Nobody guilts them for that though.

If it interferes in an addiction sort of way, then it can be a problem. It might be good to observe if this really is interfering with his life (job, spending habits, etc) or is just an escape for him.

Believe me, there are a lot of surprises for both sides after marriage. A long marriage needs a lot of compromise and understanding. Try to picture all the compromises he has made to commit to you from being a single man to a married man with obligations.

Answer 6

As a male- I understand both sides- because my women have found dirty porn on my computer which I forgot to erase when I was in a relationship (prior I was a lonely, horny single man) (I don't buy vids or mags- not that I'm implying I'm better- I just hate going to those stores that make you feel sleazy when you leave).
I think it really is more about you feeling threatened by more realistic depictions of women with the College girl porn
For example- you know that the Playboy etc are airbrushed, very plastic, unnatural and women he'd be unlikely to encounter in reality.
But 'Girls Gone Wild' and Amateur Porn- perhaps reminds you of slutty girls that may take your man away from you (most of whom are probably far less attractive than you which is like an added insult because then you ask why is he looking at them- when you're prettier? Why aren't I pretty enough?) The answer is he loves you and thinks you're gorgeous- he just likes watching unknown women enjoying sex.

I think you need to set some boundaries and encourage porn viewing together as a couple.
Now, I mean getting him to throw out ALL the stuff you find offensive (because that will just irritate you if he doesn't)- but allow him to view some porn on his own - but on the condition he doesn't stash it. And I mean to the garbage- not to his friends house or a storage locker.
I think it's okay to look, occasionally- but keeping it around- that's in my opinion, being a little inconsiderate and perhaps could be interpreted by a woman as him having an attachment to it (which I'm sure he hasn't- he just forgot to throw it away).
We men like to look- sometimes we're just curious about what other ladies parts look like or what colour/shape/size they are.
We know they're sluts and we wouldn't touch them for fear of contagious STD- but we just have an urge to undress every woman and watch her have sex.

Second- I recommend you getting some tasteful couples porn and watching it together. You choose the viewing material- not him- as you can decide what best suits you- not his choice of maybe "Girls Gone Wild with donkeys& Asian Lesbian Nymphos with Strap Ons 2" (I just made that up).
Couples porn- it will help spice up your love life- it did with me and this American girl I once dated who was this big Christian and thought it was sinful (wow- did she fly off the handle when I got caught- like a bloody Banshee!)- but I got her turned around on the issue and she ended up guiltily enjoying it.
Nudity and sex- it's natural and normal..

Answer 7

If he's a good man then let it go. You will never understand it because you are not a man. All men look at porn. It's like a dog and food. One of those natural things. Yes, no one admits it - they are embarrassed. The porn industry is in the multi-billion dollars and most all men have some. Don't take it personal - he's a man! Be happy he's not gay!

Answer 8

First, I am sorry that you have to deal with this issue and it is obvious if your now husband has that large of a collection, that he has collected porn for a while, even before the marriage.
It is my opinion (and it is just that, an opinion) that your husband may have a pornography addiction. However, that is not necessarily the end of the world or the end of the marriage. Some things you can do, is to be intimate with him while he is enjoying the pornography-- one way to handle it is to incorporate the porn into the lovemaking- that will allow him to lose his dependency on the porn, as well as make him see that you do understand his liking pornography.
If your husband collected newspapers, would you be upset? You would probably give him help him to overcome his collecting of newspapers. Likewise with pornography. He can not enjoy all of it, all of the time, so suggest that he puts together a folder or two on the computer of his very favorite porn photos and videos, and then have him delete the rest. Likewise with the magazines and porn videotapes (or DVDs). Have him pick out his absolute favorites, and then discard the rest. Once he gets rid of them, he will see that there is more to life than pornography.

But the key thing is this:
be empathetic-- be hurt and upset, because you DO have a right to your feelings, but be empathetic with him-- put yourself in his shoes. He may not realize it is such a problem, but the reality of any addiction (to porn, or to alcohol or to anything else that is an addiction) is that it takes more and more to get the "fix" because our bodies, minds, etc. get immune to the current fix, and if left untreated (or undealt with) it will take more or hardercore or whatever to get the same excitement and thrill as before.

So look at his collecting porn as an addiction and try to find alternative solutions. It is normal to be upset, but remember the vows you took-- for better or for worse-- well this is one of the "worse" issues, so help him to get it under control, help him to clean out his collection and find out what else can be done to wean him off of pornography.

I have been in a similiar situation before and although I felt very hurt (why was the porn more attractive than me/what am I doing wrong), and very upset (actually I felt betrayed because of the lies to cover up the porn), but in the end, I had to decide what was more important to me- ranting/raving/giving up or trying to find solutions to the situation.

I do feel for you, and hope that you can have the patience and understanding to get through this problem-- eventually he will realize that he didn't need porn because what he needed was standing right in front of him a loving and understanding wife who was much better at satisfying his every need (not just in bed, but in life) than any porn photo could ever be.

Good luck to you!.

Answer 9

Sounds like a sex addiction. Let him know how you feel. I suggest getting him the book, Every Man's Battle. Ask about it at your local bookstore or look online. I understand where you are coming from. It kind of makes you feel sick to your stomach that your husband would even want to look at that stuff. Put parental control on your computer if you can and block that porn.

Answer 10

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. What is it with guys and porn?...Yes, he has a problem and it seems as though he's denying it, so that's an even bigger problem. I would first tell him what you found and that you are not comfortable with him owning it and ask him to throw it away out of respect for you. Then I would download a porn-blocker for his computer. ( they're not free, but they not expensive, either) Then, I would ask him to go to counseling with you. If he acts like it not a big deal and doesn't want to go, then tell him it is for your sake...that you feel insecure and rejected since you found the porn and going to a counselor would help you. If none of this works and he's a jerk about it, then i would give an ultimatum...if he loves you, no porn. period. You shouldn't have to question yourself or you relationship. Good Luck!