Ok I will try to explain this the best i can here. Married for 6 yrs now, together 2 yrs prior to that, 2 kids, both hers from a previous disaster of a relationship, 10 yr old boy, 12 yr old girl, presently I am going through the adoption process to make them legally mine. Now to the problems. Wife has borderline personality disorder, has been seeing pysciatrists and therapists since she was a teenager, she's now 31. Both kids have bipolar and ADD, both see doctors as well. Problem is the wife, relationship has gotten worse and worse everyday and to the point of what's the point of trying anymore. She always said we would split up eventually, constant arguing with me and the kids. Basically most of the time she doesn't want to be around me or the kids and has brought up divorce on several occasions, including saying I would keep the kids once we did split up since she can't deal with them like I can. Love is pretty much nonexistant other than the friendly caring type of love.
2007-01-02 11:12:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
To the point of, it's like, what is going to best for me and the kids. We have a new house, which is on property her parents gave us. Wife is presently unemployed so money is very tight for us. She wanted to leave a few weeks ago, but since she doesn't work she had nowhere to go. We stayed in separate rooms for a few days but then she came back around wanting to work it out, which I agreed to but I question if I really want to or not. The closeness is just gone. It feels ackward if she wants to be close physically so I just try to avoid it if possible, but I know sooner or later I'm gonna have to make some decisions. Just so complicated right now and feel completely lost. Seems bad that we are in the middle of adoption proceedings to make an "official" family and here we are falling apart faster than I can keep it together. Well...thanks for any advice on this, if i think of more important details I will come back and add them!
2007-01-02 11:19:51 · update #1
Sounds like a situation you cant really reign control over because the person that needs to take control here is your wife and with her disorder itll be hard for that to happe. Try to keep in mind a lot of this may not be her fault but her actions may be due to her disorder and its not something she can control. If she's on meds (which assuming she is) she may need to switch to something that works more successfully if possible.
Sounds to me like she's trying since she's been seeing a therapist so it isnt that she wants to treat you or the kids badly. This isnt something you can take control of, a disorder is beyond serious especially one like that and if treatment isnt helping then it means its only getting worse and will continue to.
Its such a complicated situation that its really hard to find a direct answer to but I've been racking my brain to help find a solution. The best thing to do (best for the kids and for the outcome of the relationship) is to sit down with her (when she's calm and herself) and explain how u feel, let her know how complicated things have gotten and that you dont want to abandon her and you wont (that you'll always be there for her) and that maybe its time to split.
Sounds like the best thing to do is get away from the relationship for a while or for good, first id just take a break from the relationship and if she wants the kids to be with u then take them if you are comfortable with that. If you cant seem to figure out how to take control (which seems almost imposs. at this point) then the relationship may need to be terminated completely. Its the best thing to do that i can think of since every other psss. solution has been tried. Good luck!
2007-01-02 11:24:50 · answer #1 · answered by JMan 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You both need some heavy duty marriage counselling. Do you want to retain guardianship of these children? If you do then you need to set up some kind of safety net and if you don't then this really needs to be established and dealt with. I feel bad for all involved as I sense that you feel very frustrated and desparate at this moment. You must have a lot of courage to commit to this relationship and you should be proud of that. However you also need to find some good support either in a group or with an individual counselor. You may feel strong now but resilience can only take you so far before you start to break down yourself. Be gentle with yourself and I think you really need to think about taking over the care of two children that are not biolobically yours with a mother that seems as moment to be very flaky. Good luck to you and I hope you can get some help to make a sound decision based on being informed of your rights and the what the expectations are, it sounds like you have your hands full.
2007-01-02 11:23:18 · answer #2 · answered by Deirdre O 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ur last sentence was
"Love is pretty much nonexistant other than the friendly caring type of love."
I see this a lil more of a Major existant for the two of you especially if your coming onto yahoo answers in hopes to maybe find someone to just give u that one majic answer for a cure to save ur marriage......powerful i say ur love isand wayyy past the friendly caring type. I would like to get back on this w/more ideas an poss advice.
did u mention btw u too are in any therapy at all w/family and or alone?
are both kids add or adhd? treated w/meds have any coexhist disorders w/adhd like LD learn dis in studies or any temperments/mood disorders beside the bipolar ........find rare so young and for both to have just as well as the other same DX given.....any second opinions at all even for ur wife.
BPD Is not to some psychs even a real DX.......sounds there is more nurture "enviornmental" rather than genetic tragedy's in past either or both emotional/psychological/abuse in various forms w/some neglect to the kids basic human needs when younger as a non intentional outcome with all three to me that has poss triggered or exaggeratted the biological DX re: the kids.
this is a very deep quest my friend. and well we all have closets and sometimes we turn our hurts within an self blame....cant get into all u know if u held on this long and and now even adoption....ur a strong man and be proud u always were an will be there dad and need that security w/no more feelings of abandonement or mom and dad in a unstable situation....they tend to hurt the worse and also get fears of losing someone too...anyway i will get back in a bit tonite....Love does conquer all,
what will be will be , hold on and dont take the words said so personal.....ur a sensitive one but strong,
everyone handle's there hurt and anger many diff ways and ur wife may have her mask on her wall of armor from past exp of tradgedy and pain from her ex when she was a victim prob even when young she loves just is afraid to give all she dont want to lose all
she is afraid herself sometimes of her hardness she is crying out for love and security but forgot how to
borderline ...i dont think so but im not a doctor nor know her or you i know some cognitive therapy for all family would be a nice start for all
god bless to your new lives
nothing worth holding onto ever comes easy....remember that.
it is thru these hard times when love grows into ONE.
blessed be,
2007-01-02 12:04:46 · answer #3 · answered by NatureOrNurture 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I want to say I'm very sorry to hear about this situation. It sounds very sad. I think it's great that you have stuck with her and her children. I think a lot of people would have bailed.
I think you should continue to try to adopt her children, because they obviously need you! It's great that they have you to turn to when their mother is having a bad day. If the two of you do divorce, the kids will still need you. I hope things work out for you and I'm sorry that I don't have more advice for you.
Help those kids and help her as much as you can! Maybe you should talk to her doctor and see what they say.
Your family is in my thoughts!
2007-01-02 11:22:16 · answer #4 · answered by Positively Pink 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your relationship is very complex with all the problems you all (she) has. It seems to me that you really have no relationship at all. Between her personality disorder and the kids plus the problems with the marriage, where do you fit in? It seems like the only person she is caring about is herself, not even her very own children..
I have a lot of problems like I have been diagnosed with P.T.S.D. Post traumatic stress disorder. I don't talk to therapist or psychiatrist. I deal with it because that is who I am I don't blame it on my boyfriend even though at times it affects our relationship because of my mood swings but I apologize because I love him I don't want him to be miserable because of my past experiences. Maybe you should consider moving on and not adopting the children.
Find someone who has less drama in their life and make your own family.
Unless you are determined to make it work then try to be more understanding. Have family counseling to try and resolve your problems at home.
I really wish you the best. You have a very stressful situation that you deal with and if you don't fix it your gonna be worn out fast.
GOOD LUCK, hopefully I was helpful.
2007-01-02 11:28:17 · answer #5 · answered by Stripperella 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
thats a lot to deal with all alone...where is your family? Get someone to spend time with the kids while you and your wife figure out daily what to do with your relationship. weigh the pros and cons yorself since you are the one risking it all (being the breadwinner). You obviously love her because you are hanging in there and looking for answers and help. counsel yourselves before paying for counseling it can be very expensive. set discipline guidlines to follow, meaning guidelines that are realistic and that you both agree to follow when things start getting rough. since there is already an exsiting mental condition among the family you must take that into consideration and do whhat is best for you. of course before anything works you have to seek GOD
2007-01-02 12:43:09 · answer #6 · answered by majickspocketpc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thank God the kids have you. You are a real man. Have you tried to talk to her doctor with her? My mom had a lot of the same problems your wife had. If you feel the magic is gone, maybe it would be best if you could take the kids. She can't care for them until she starts taking care of herself. Good luck. I'll say a prayer for all of you.
2007-01-02 11:26:27 · answer #7 · answered by *♥♫Hedy♫♥* 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you're on the "up-and-up" with us, you're a great guy is all I can say, and my hat is off to you, Sir. In order for this to ever work, she is going to have to get help for her problems. I know she's going to the doctors, but she's not getting help. You've been more than patient so far, but to me, she's "screaming" for help inside. It's not easy for her right now I assure you. My advice is to be patient a while longer, find another doctor for her, and love the kids all the while. I wish I knew how to help better, but all I can do is pray for the whole family. God Bless!
2007-01-02 11:27:33 · answer #8 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow, sorry for you, i seriously think the problem with the kids, is the mom. Would you raise them yourself? If so you are a good man, thats all i can say. I really do feel sorry for them and you. She has serious problems, and i will probably get worse before it gets better, ask yourself if you really want to live your life that way? Dont you think you deserve better? The kids certainly do, who knows, she may straighten up if she had to live on her own.
2007-01-02 11:18:52 · answer #9 · answered by Lace 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes by backing another runaway freight train into it
2016-05-23 08:05:35 · answer #10 · answered by Amy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋