Am I wrong for not having sympathy?

Question

My mother's husband (my stepfather) died two weeks ago. I have no sympathy or remorse. He had been in my life since I was about 12 years old. He and I have never had a real relationship. We co-existed in a house, but he stayed in his room and me in mine. That occurred until I was 17 years old and moved out. With that being said, when he died. I couldn't bring myself to attend the funeral; felt it was pointless. I kind of feel bad for not feeling bad (having sympathy). I'm unsure what to do about that.

Answer 1

People usually feel remorse at the death of someone when they are attached to that person. If you were not attached to your stepfather -- as I understand from your message --, then it's quite logical to not feel any remorse. You may feel neutral in your feelings, as you seem to be doing now. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. You can still honour his life and show him your respect.

Most people feel bad for not feeling bad when someone they should be missing, dies. In many cases, this happens to children, who haven't yet developed deep emotions and they try to copy the society by acting sad. Children are dependent in their early years and their remorse is quite egoistic; therefore, their emotions for missing a relative may not be fully genuine. This, too, is nothing to be ashamed of.

You, however, are not a child and you have no obligation to have emotions for all who die. You cannot love everyone. You may feel remorse on a Platonic level; that is to say, you may grief the deceased by wishing he had it better, in case he had more to live for. You say that you and your stepfather never really had a real relationship. I cannot speculate the reasons for that, but that may be even more of a reason to not feel remorse for him, because it is 'expected' that you two should have had a positive relationship, if not a good father-and-daughter relationship. Life is not perfect and not all people get well together. It may be someone's fault and it may be no-one's fault. Spare your love for those you can.

Answer 2

Some of the other answers I agree with-- you are detached, and you can not make yourself feel what you do not feel, however with that said, I would like to say that you were thinking of how you feel, and not how others feel.

I was disowned by my family when I was 19. I was living with my grandparents during my teen years, and my grandfather was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive toward me. When he passed away, I did not feel anything, however my family did contact me to ask me to attend the funeral. I did not want to. I did go though, because I knew my grandmother, and siblings would need a listening ear. I didn't feel bad that he passed away, nor did I feel good that he passed away. I felt nothing. But what I did feel was compassion for the rest of the family, and knew that they would be in need of emotional support and compassion during this time. I went for them.

So I will not go as far as saying that you are wrong for not having sympathy, however I do feel that you should have thought of others instead of just your own feelings during this event. I am sure that others could have used a kind word or a listening ear during this time.

Compassion and empathy is far more important during these types of situations than sympathy or caring about how we ourselves feel. I just hope you do not look back on your decision not to go with regret.

Answer 3

It sounds like there was much more going on than you are saying.
Did you resent your mother remarrying? Did he try to develop a
relationship with you. To live in the same house for 5 years and not develop some type of relationship is sad. What is your relationship with your mother?. Sometimes we do things that are done for the wrong reasons. It would have been a loving act of going to the funeral and giving your mother emotional support.
Do you have problems showing emotions to others? If you do I suggest getting help. Find out why you have these feelings (or lack of). I suggest that you also want you mother in these sessions.

Answer 4

You don't have to feel sad about a death to attend a funeral, you should have gone for your mother's sake. Did he provide for your family? He must have brought something to your mother's life and probably yours if you look hard enough. Maybe you have issues in your past with your parents if they split or your own fathers death??
You may have feelings that come later. Grief does weird things and death affects people differently. You could also be depressed.
If you are you need to talk to someone who understands and can really help.
The best thing you can do is be there for your mother if she is still alive, apologise for not making it to the funeral, try to understand her grief and make sure she is looked after. You will feel better about yourself if you do.

Answer 5

I'm sorry that you have to be sorry. It's very true that being a step-parent is THE most difficult job in the world. The second most difficult is being a step-child. Grieve for the father he wasn't because everybody needs a daddy (I very, very much hope you have or had a real one in your life.). You are right to feel sad for not feeling bad. Also realize that it's common and I feel much the same way about my real father who is now dead so I know what you mean.
You don't really need to do anything but if you feel like it, try to find a substitute father who can tell you things only a father can say.

Answer 6

I can understand not feeling terribly broken up over a stepfather that you never got along with. It is sad that he was never able to establish a relationship with you.

But, what really is sad is that you didn't see how your presence at the funeral might have eased your mother's grief some.

You know, not everything is about you all the time.

Answer 7

it somewhat isn't any longer incorrect it somewhat is in basic terms the style you have been raised. it somewhat is volatile to a pair relationships with the aid of fact somebody who's being concerned won't understand why it somewhat is which you're no longer sympathetic. you should spoil the cycle so as that your little ones do no longer become this type besides. yet, as for you it won't exchange till you have some Ebenezer Scrooge life changing adventure. it somewhat is nice to teach sympathy for others yet, it doesn' make you a bad individual considering the fact which you do no longer in basic terms try to alter that when you get the possibility to grow to be a determine

Answer 8

Showing sympathy for your mother's loss is sort of required. But no one says you need to have feelings over a man you didn't know. You should offer comfort to your mother because she's lost her husband.
As for the funeral, you don't attend funerals for the dead person, you attend them to comfort the living.

Answer 9

I believe this is not only about your feelings over yous stepfather, it should be about your feelings for your mother. When you attend to a funeral we go to be supportive with the family of the person who died, in this case your mother, who migth be feeling bad about her lost, and migth need you by her side.
Imagine is you who loose the person you love, would you appreciate your mother to come to support you at a dificult time?
Unless you don't feel close to her either, wich would be kind of weird for me.

Answer 10

I don't think you're wrong necessarily but try having some 'empathy' for your Mom. Not attending the funeral was kind of a slap in the face to her. Life is not always about us, in fact, most of the time, it is not about us! Grow up and have some feelings for your Mom's loss, offer to help her, she's the one who is grieving. It's ok not to mourn him yourself, but think of your Mom and his kids, if he had his own children. Now, go call her & apologize for not attending the funeral.