agonizing in law problems, help!!?

Question

I'll keep it brief and as un-Jerry Springer-like as possible. For 10 years I have had a miserable relationship with my rude and snarky sister inlaw. She, at the last minute badgered my husband to drive 4 hours to see her new baby on Christmas. I was sick with a virus and my choices were to go, or be left alone. Now, I feel that my husband is being unfair to me by not bringing up to her that this was a problem.
The icing on the cake is she just found out she will be having her second baby, and I just found out we are infertile. His folks would like to come to visit us, like, tomorrow. I feel that his is not a good time, and would like to delay the visit because of my lingering anger for Christmas. He thinks I'm being unreasonable.
I swear, none of this happened in a trailer park :) opinions, anyone? i've gotten good advice off here in the past. Thanks!

Thanks, keep it comin'. and the parents want to stay for about a week

Answer 1

This is clearly a problem that starts with your husband, he needs to understand that his family doesn't come first anymore, even the bible states that a man must leave his parents and cling to his wife, point out the christmas situation and clearly say "Would your dad have done this to your mother if she was sick on christmas?" Men usually are brought up to believe, especially from the MIL that blood is thicker than anything, but the point is it is very different after they are married, of course they are family but so are you now. I think that your husband is being very inconsiderate of the fact that you are infertile, he needs to be there to support you, you just had your dreams crushed, (btw I'm sorry to hear) but just tell your husband you don't want to turn the smoke into fire by being in a uncomfortable situation with your inlaws, he needs to understand that there are boundaries that need to be set, and he is the only onw that can set them, because if you tried, it would make you look like "the bad guy" and thats the last thing you need, simply tell him to hold them off and just be there for you, that thats how you feel. He should understand, I really hope he does, I would suggest visiting www.ihatemyinlaws.com to vent on there, and if you need get adivce from many others who have "been there" there are many others with similar situatons to which you can apply their experiences to your current ones. again good luck

Answer 2

Well to be honest with you the real anger here is the infertility. I am so very sorry I am sure that is agonizing for you. I understand that you feel the sister-in-law was rude by demanding your presence. But as a mother the second that you told me that you had a virus I would have rescheduled the entire visit. So there was quite a few things wrong with the whole story. I am sure that you realized that a baby cannot fight off things as easy as adults. To expose that baby to that was wrong, wrong, wrong. Sorry but that is the way I see it. I know that kids get sick and that we cannot protect them from everything however I sure would not put them in the line of fire. You need to find a good shoulder to cry on accept the lot that god has given you. Don't hate others for what has happened to you. Look into adoption there are so many children that need some one to love them. As far as the in-laws you are probably right you would not be the gracious hostess that your husband would expect you to be. Definitely delay the visit.!

Answer 3

You have a lot going on, I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time.

Your husband needs to treat you as his first priority. It was inappropriate for him to allow himself to be badgered into seeing his nephew instead of attending to his wife. After ten years though, the issue is really your husband and his inability to stand firm.

If you have a good rapport with your inlaws, allow them to come by. They haven't done you any wrong, and it would just give your sil and husband more ammo against you. I don't think you're be unreasonable where the anger is concerned, but taking it out on the inlaws is a little unfair. You should consider talking to someone about how you're feeling; you and your husband should talk about how the infertility is affecting the both of you, and how you're going to support each other.

You may be surprised...your inlaws may provide you with some much needed comfort. Don't let your sister in law ruin your holidays. Some folks revel in the discomfort of others; don't let her do that to you.

Answer 4

Firstly, I'd like to address your second "icing on the cake". She is expecting, while you are infertile. I honestly don't think that that is her fault.
My mom and my father's sister were thick as thieves before my siblings, our cousins, and I were born, and it turned sour about 7 years after that. Last week on Christmas, for the first time in ages, they spoke like old times! Turns out that a silly little argument snowballed into a tirade. My mom actually realized that she messed up, and she apologized.
Concerning your S-I-L, Let it go. Plus, being mad on Christmas is not going to help. Welcome his folks into your home without anger and see how things go from there. Be the better person! Your S-I-L probably thinks the same of you (I'm not saying that either of you are), and showing her your indifference about the way she acts will not give her a reason to do so!
Hope I helped!

Answer 5

Lots of ways to deal with this, if your Mom is an assertive type person, sic her on MIL. She can calmly tell her that all the negative stuff is a big downer for everyone, and making the kids want to elope. And she will not deny her daughter or herself the wedding you both have planned since you were 6. Have the groom sit down with her and explain the same things. You want the wedding to be perfect, and her sitting in the front row spewing invectives and radiating negative vibes is not what you want. You can talk to her, and say you think fiancee and you deserve a chance, and you really could use her support, you have always respected her, but right now, not so much. You have always dreamed of getting a model MIL, and had one until the wedding was announced. Assure her that except for a brief time where father will be across the aisle from her at the church, he will be seated at another table. And tell her that he has been talked to, and will not approach her, and will stay as far away as possible. And talk to FIL to do this. and tell MIL that she needs to do the same for the sake of everyone attending. She can meet him halfway on this agreement, and end with the joke, so don't meet him halfway[across the room] stay totally away from him. It is so hard, I have heard about stuff like this, and seen it on tv. My friend managed to sit at the same table at the reception with her ex, and managed to be pleasant. Yes it had been awhile since the divorce, but he was really bad to her.There ought to be a tv show called mother-in law-zilla! Maybe if some of them see how awful they can be, it might can some bad behavior.

Answer 6

I think you need to let your anger go, as in just let it go. Does her opinion really matter that much to you? And i don't see any reason for you to take your anger of your sis in law out on your husband's parents. Keeping it in (the anger) is only going to destroy you and your relationship with your family including your husband. You need to find an outlet or a way, which is tough considering you need to do it by tomorrow, to let go of your anger. It's his sister, and he can't do anything about it. She's obviously annoying as f*ck but everyone has a family member like that. You just have to let this one roll of your back because of all the problems you have mentioned, it's going to keep adding up. And i can tell you from experience, you need to put things in perspective, that is how you let go your anger, you just have to know or see if your In law is really that huge part in your life to cause so much grief to you internally. Good luck.

Answer 7

I think you are being a little bit unreasonable. It always great when family gets together.

Also, did you remember to send a card to his sister saying "Thank you for the invitation. Unfortunately I couldn't make it because I was sick with a virus and didn't want your new baby to get sick because of that." ? That would be a basic act of courtesy.

Answer 8

It could be worse! My sister has moved out of her abusive BF's house 6 times in the past 4 months. She even aborted his baby, moved out, and moved right back in 2 days later. My brother just got 'Evil 666' tattooed across his arm and our other brother announced on Christmas that he is packing his family up and moving from New Jersey to Florida. Our mother had a breakdown, a teenage cousin just came out of the closet last week, and my 75 y.o. grandmother just took a SECOND job to make ends meet.

Just tell your sister in law to screw off if it makes you feel better. And always remember, the grass is always blacker on the other side hehe.

Answer 9

Are you refusing to see his family? If so, then you're being unreasonable. But if you are truly wanting some time to recover from your virus and wanting a cooling off period before seeing them, then it's okay. Sit down and communicate what you want and listen to what he wants; then make a decision together and have that decision given back to his family.

Answer 10

I think you should let the parents come over. They didn't do you anything, did they. Put your anger aside and when they leave get back to work on your issue with your hubby.