Question for husbands: what does my wife mean when she says I should be more aggressive in our sex life?

Question

My wife and I had one of those long, drunken conversations the other night for New Years'. Y'know, one of those things where you speak your mind and tell it like it is? Anyway, she said (not in so many words), that I need to take charge and be more aggressive in the bedroom.
Here's the situation as I see it. I'm not very assertive when it comes to sex because my sex drive is significantly greater than hers. As a consequence, I used to ask for sex a lot and get shot down most of the time. This hurt, so I quit doing it. Today, sex only happens when she initiates it.
I'd previously thought that this is how she liked it, but apparently this wasn't just the wine talking and she wants me to initiate more often and be more aggressive (for lack of a better phrase) when we have sex.
I'm not really sure what to do with this. I'm pretty sure I know how to initiate, but what does she want me to do differently?
PS: We've been married 2 years, have no kids and have sex about once or twice a week)

Thanks for your answers so far. Some of you have said we need to be more creative with things like location, but that's never been a problem. In just the last year, we've had sex in a tent outside, on the back porch with a storm going and in a room with people next door. We've also tried toys and stuff just for something different.

I don't think our sex is boring, really. I'm kind of taking this as a signal that we need to try new things, but I don't know what new things. She's not a "whips and chains" girl, and she's already said no to going in the out door (multiple times), so I'm not sure what to do.

She mentioned "role playing" the night we talked, but I don't really know what she meant by that or how far she intends to pursue the idea.

And by the way, when I said I would "ask for sex," I didn't mean I requested an application form. I have SOME game. Geez. I know I'm on Yahoo! Answers and all, but give a guy some credit.

Another problem is this: She told me when we first started dating that one of her fears was being restrained by a man to the point where she couldn't stop something she didn't want to happen from happening. But now it seems like she's asking for the opposite. Mixed signals, anyone?

Some of you have mentioned this "be the man" or "alpha male" stuff. I view our marriage as an equal partnership and this gender role crap gives me a headache. I'd have a hard time being that rough with my wife and/or shouting demeaning comments at her. I don't want to hurt her or make her feel cheap.

She does like talking dirty, but there are limits, y'know? After this conversation we had, I just don't know where the line is anymore. How much can I get away with here? I'm so confused.

Answer 1

slap her around a bit while you're going at it. Maybe when you're doing it doggy style you can yank on her hair and sock her in the ribs. Try it, she might like it !

Answer 2

Think about this real hard......when you first met how did she act? Now look at her and see what has happened.

I speak from a Male stand point here and not all males are like me when it comes to marriage and desire, but there is a thing called beauty and the beast.

When beauty is new it is sought out with a sex drive to copulate and feel that beauty and hear that beauty.

Once a Male has received all of the cards from this action,. he makes a decision as to what he feels is true and what he feels is fake.
When you have caused the pages to turn again, he wonders why and then comes the non desireable plague that haunts many in marriage. He finds you no longer attractive or doesn't make love longe like he use too, the time gets sghorter and your no romanced like you want to be ...like it was when you met.

The worst thing a woman can do to her husband is giggle and that is taboo, do not ever giggle when he inserts his penis...that is the biggest mistake you can ever make.

This sex drive that Men have can last for decades with the right person,. but if something washes it away in marriage, the drive is gone.
He now looks outside of the home to drive once again with someone else and when he finds this women and he notices that she is brighter than his spouse, she is lovelier than his wife, she will sleep with the husband and what happens is that he now experiences a much more stronger drive than what he had when he met his wife though, his wife had him on a good drive that was okay for him at that time, but it was lost and when she finds him not so great..kaboom.

A smirk or a shout, a dirty look calling him a bad name or giving him the intention that you are not pretty to him even though you may be still pretty to others.

It is the little things in a marriage that destroys it. Name calling, or bad looks, unlceanliness...ect
Any time one of these triggers hit the husband you have found yourself in a bad siatuation where the drive is now gone. Nomatter how pretty you make yourself for him, no mater how sexy you may look in hot pants...you cannot win him back once you have put a scar on his heart. It is almost impossible to win it back.

The secret to a succesful marriage is to never scar each other at all. It must never happen. You must get along with each other beautiful and respect each others wishes. it is something that millions of people fail to conquest in marriage and the marriage fails. The damage is irreversable and it leaves scars.

So a new start is at hand and the infidelities start as he begins his search for a new mate other than his wife. This is a very painful experience expecially when one or the other is really deeply in love and the scar can remove that love from a Male
very quickly and the damage can be permanent.

The lesson to learn from a marriage gone bad, is that you must never allow it to ever happen again.
In many cases a woman or man will make the same mistake again in a new marriage and the repeated offenses begin all over again and once again divorce is at hand.

Maturity
Respect
Honor
Integrity
******************
All of these things must be in place in order to have a good marriage..notice I didn't say love, Ileft that out you know why?

Go figure!!

Answer 3

Sounds like she is not sure what she likes.First you are assertive and get shot down, so i totally understand why you wait for her to call the shots,because you got tired of her doing this to you,yes it hurts when she would do this...Since you say assertive,that means to to start it(the sex act) ,what she is saying is aggressive,which is a whole different thing...So what i think she means,and I am reading between the lines here,is what you are doing as far as letting her initiate sex is fine.....But she wants aggression,which means taking over and being in control more during the sex act,try a little aggressive sex,rough play but not to rough,a little like you are taking over and she don,t have a say ,she wants to be more controlled and you be the master in the sex act...I may be complelely wron but i have been married many years and i think this is what she is trying to get across to you....just try itand see..good luck

Answer 4

You're in the same situation I am in and it is very difficult. From your wife's point of view: My husband felt like I never wanted to have sex, he was just always either initiating at the wrong time or going about it the wrong way. Ask her what you can do to turn her on if you want sex, she will tell you if you ask.

(Saying hey baby let's go upstairs, stciking her and being done is no fun for her, trust me. Women usually want some degree of non-genital contact foreplay to get turned on.)

My husband stopped initiating as much because he felt like he was bothering me (although I never turned him down) and is now mad because I never initiate. I am always afraid, that if I initiate, he will think that I am already ready to go and he does not have to turn me on. This is not the case.

I think you both want sex, you just need to fine tune how you are doing it. Be open with each other and talk about what turns you on and what you want from each other. You may find your needs and wants are not very different.

Answer 5

Some people just get that way and they may still love you but the attraction is gone. It just happens in women and Men. maybe a separation might be in order just to see if there is still spark left! This would only be the option after you communicate and talk about options. new sex is fun but it takes an adult to really make love and enjoy making love maybe she just needs to grow up and appreciate the one she has. Good luck

Answer 6

Sounds like you've already figured it out - she wants you to be the man and initiate the sex every now and then, she probably needs to feel that you still love her and by initiating the sex it tells her you still find her attractive and want her. From your description it doesn't sound like she wants you to be more aggressive toward her during the act of sex, just in initiating it.

Answer 7

I will apologize for I am a woman but here's my advice. She doesn't want you to ask her to have sex, she wants you to take it, be more firm. Be rough but not too rough. Have sex in different locations other than the bedroom example: kitchen counter, tables, sofa's, chairs, bathrooms, outside even. Suprise her when she walks in the door after work and do the whole romantic thing and be more fun you don't have kids so HAVE FUN.

Answer 8

I'm just guessing here, but perhaps the difference is between "asking" for sex and "taking" it? You don't have to do it every day, keep the frequency the same. But one thing is to ask - honey, wanna "do it" tonight? Most likely, she will say no. A whole another thing is to simply cuddle up, be a bit more passionate in your kissing or touching, and see where it leads. It doesn't have to always lead to sex - but I bet sometimes it will.

Answer 9

for starters don't ask for it that to me is a turn off. if you want it go get it. plus this is your wife not a chick at the bar that turned you down. when you get in bet give her a little foreplay (rubbing, kissing.......) you will get it most of the time. its hard not knowing your wife, but with mine she likes the ocassional attack! you know walk in the room toss her on the bed and just give it to her!

sounds like you went from begging every night to never asking ever. you need to find a happy medium. say let her start 1-2 nights a week like now and you go for it a night or 2

i have to say i am lucky cause even if my wife doesn't want it she will at least let me have my quicky, sure beats rosie and her 5 friends

Answer 10

be more assertive. I think the problem is that you are asking for it like a child would ask for a lollypop if he were good.
Change things up a bit. When she is in the shower jump in with her and well you can go from there.
She wants you to take charge be the alpha male and just take it

Answer 11

The aggressivness she is speaking of actually happens outside the bedroom. You gotta set it up. For instance, if you want some tonight. Tell her you want it now. Call her and tell her "I'm getting in tha a s s tonight, so get ready" talk dirty to her outside the bedroom. When you get to the bedroom, manhandle her a s s. When you're hittin it, stick your finger in her butt. Stuff like that. Be confident.

If you like, I could demonstrate with her. (for a small fee)

LMAO at gozedown!