Can I save my marriage?

Question

I have been married for 9 1/2 years to guy who i love so much. When he met me, at college, I was 18 and he was 24. I had a lot of growing up to do and this caused a lot of problems in our marriage.

Over the last 2 years i have changed so much and become independent and have a social life, etc, but he still sees me at the excessively needy person I was when we first met. We now have 2 small children, 4 and 15 months, and he wants to move out but still see the kids everyday at dinner.

I am his only real friend. He comes to me with his problems and when he needs a shoulder to cry on. He cut out his family & friends from his life recently because they told him it was a mistake to leave me. They told me that they will be there for me if I need them. Our therapist said that he rejects me because he doesn't feel worthy of my love.

Do I let him go or hold on to hope that a separation may help him realize how much I do for him? I'm a stay at home mom and this is very scary for me.

Yes, the therapist we are seeing, we see together.

He wanted me to be a stay at home mom because he wanted one of us to take care of the kids, not a stranger.

He just quit the therapist because she told him that he was the problem and because he didn't like that she didn't see his case as an exception to any of the relationship rules.

To the last poster, I didn't say that this was not my fault as I said I had a lot of growing up to do and that caused a lot of stress in our relationship. But I've stopped fighting with him and am now supportive of everything he does, except the idea of him leaving. My husband said that he needed to grow up to. He feels that he got involved with me because every other girl ran away from him and I was the only one who would give him the time of day so he thought that I must be the "one." But now he sees himself differently and realizes that other women may be attracted to the man he is now.

And by the way, I'm not fat. I'm 105 lbs.

Answer 1

My situation was a litlle differnt because i wasnt married. But my Fiance had the same problem were he wanted to be himself and blah blah blah. my advice is to let him have it..if he really truely loves you they come back. i promise you he will. and if not your better off. and you have to beautiful childern to be thankful for.

Answer 2

Sounds like he has some issues as well, and he told you that you had the growing up to do? Reality is, in a marriage or any other relationship both people grow up or closer together. It's also sad that he has cut out his family only because he knows he is wrong.

He doesn't like it that you are becoming more independent because he is afraid of losing you so he figures if he leaves you first, in his mind, he can't be hurt. What he doesn't realize is, he will be hurting anyway, and he will also be hurting your children as well.

I see you are in therapy...is this a therapist or a counselor? Do you have a church support system? Don't be afraid to find a new counselor/therapist if the current one is not meeting your expectations. You need to realize that you are not the only one to blame in a marriage that is going bad. It takes two to make and break it. Keep your chin up!

Answer 3

There is no solution of giving up at this stage.
He just cannot accept the situation where you are independent.
He is living under fear that if you are independent may be you would choose to leave him at any point.
Give him enough importance and include him in your problems just like he does in his.
May be a ego problem which need to be dissolved with right therapy.
If he leaves you you do not have choice, but if he sees you every day there is always a chance of getting things better.
Give him some surprises like buying some gifts, or talking to him in isolation, or take a break for a day or two with him.
I feel if this is the only problem there is nothing wrong in it. Support him and find out what is hurting him from your side.
God Bless You.

Answer 4

First of all, your statement tells me that you have truly grown up and that you are using all available resources in trying to keep this all together. The fact that your husband has isolated himself demonstrates that he is in a personal crisis about which you probably have very little to do.

I think you have to let him find himself now the way that you found yourself. Your therapist probably has some good insight, but remember that you don't have to rely on just one opinion about this. It may be helpful to get a second point of view from another competent therapist to verify (or refute) some of your current therapists assumptions and conclusions. Whatever you do, stay in close contact with competent professional help in this arena.

You have a right to be scared, but take some of that maturity you have developed and apply it now. You can do this. You are going to have to be a better mom than ever before in providing a sense of security for the kids. They need you more than ever now.

Let your husband go for a while. Encourage him to stay (or get into) therapy either along with you or on his own. He needs someone to help him verify his direction and make mid course corrections.

Ultimately, this may not turn out the way that you want it to go. But, you appear to be showing exceptional courage and balanced judgment so far. Hang in there. Fall back on your various support groups and networks (family, relatives, and close friends). Don't try and do it all yourself. This is also a good time to get in touch with your spirituality - if you have roots in a particular religion or faith, get back to that part of your life, as well, to maintain a strong center. Often, that is critical.

Good luck and God bless!

Answer 5

If you must choose between divorce or seperation I would try seperation first because that may be all you need if he really loves you. I have been married for only 2 1/2 years but have been with my husband for 11 1/2 years. We went through high school and college periods together and were married after college. I think the key to a healthy relationship is great communication, understanding the other person, and most of all, commitment. I don't think enough people remember that commitment part. Marriage and life is not always easy but you have to be determined that things will work out in the end. We've had a rough time making it financially and have had a number of fights mostly because of that. I have trouble holding down jobs due to a hip problem and slow learning ability and also hearing loss. I work part time and he full time but it is difficult because we both learn slow on the job and I have trouble focusing on my job in addition to that. Life isn't easy and neither are relationships, you just have to keep working on them. I think you should see if he would be receptive to marriage counseling. if he comes to you with all his problems he must think your opinion counts and to me that shows he values you. Try to get him the help he needs in counseling, go with him if necessary.

Answer 6

Sounds grim, but what im getting out your statement and it is a statement, not a question. You had to be pre worned be fore the second child came along and you said you changed? did you put on 30 pounds.this may sound cruel to some of the people reading this, but think of yourself as the problem and stop trying to convince the reader you did nothing wrong. Another point you made you family counselor indicated to your "husband rejects you because he doesn't feel worthy of your love" A therapist would be coincided incompetent to come to a silly conclusion like that, and to tell you about it.Most people in counseling never see beyond there own stubborn conclusions, so my advise to you is simple. Take care of your children, educate yourself, Improve your body,and life will take care of its self.

Answer 7

sounds like your husband is in a depression. has the therapist suggested any medication for him?
If you love him and want to stay married, just let him know that you love him and that he is welcome home any time.
If you don't wish to stay married, then take the necessary actions to dissolve the marriage and move on.
But from your statement, you sound like you still love him. Let him know that you do still need him. You need him to love and care for you and the children. Tell him that you appreciate the support he has given to the family which has allowed you to stay home with the kids. Many moms don't have that kind of support. You are one of the few.

Answer 8

Sounds like you have a high maintenace man. Appears you and his family realize that he has a good thing, but he doesnt. You have 2 small children and that should be your first priority. Being a friend is one thing, hearing everyone of his problems is the job of a therapist. Good luck to you, you sound like a keeper:)

Answer 9

You guys have survived 9 1/2 years thats a lot, I think its worth the time and effort to work it out. If he is to the point that he wants to live, you'll have to let him, he'll come back if its suppose to be.

Answer 10

I wouldn't give up. I think he just needs time to reflect on everything that's happened since you've both grown up together. He probably also hopes you will continue to reassure him (in a non-threatening way) that you are there for him. He sounds a little young for a midlife crisis, but it's a little like that.