How can I help my husband be more helpful?

Question

I can tell my husband wants to be helpful. He does do the little bit he can figure out needs doing which usually isn't much, he takes out the garbage but I usually have to ask him. Is there any way I can teach him what needs to be done without him feeling like I'm nagging or complaining? When I was growing up my mother always told me I should "just know" what needed to be done by looking around and I had the hardest time with figuring that out until I got a lot older. Hubby is 29 and still doesn't "just know" what needs to be done. Is that just a guy thing, or can I somehow nicely teach him how to know what needs doing without hurting his feelings? I don't want to always just ask him to do specific things but maybe that is the only way. If I do that he may eventually know on his own, do you agree?

well yeah he sometimes does ask and the problem is sometimes I still cant figure out what I need done right this second...cuz it seems this happens more when I'm super busy like during Christmas or a move....

Answer 1

don't try to raise him like your mom raised you.remember her way didn't work for you for a while.Look if you have things for him to do make a list and if he resents it then tell him what you want him to do and who says that he has to take out the garbage?if he doesn't will you just leave it? I wouldn't worry over these small things and if i wanted my man to do some thing for us I'd just ask him if he made me feel like i was nagging I'd tell him if he'd do it without me asking I wouldn't ask/simple?

Answer 2

Theres about 3 answers to this problem. before you assume that he falls into one category or the other you might want to talk with him. Being fair, you can't MAKE him do anything. He has to agree it needs to be done and want to do it. Men are resistent to be told what to do, some argue back and some just passively agressively "forget" to get his point across by annoying you as much as you are annoying him. OK, your situation could be one of three things..

1) He may have not grown up with an example of his father helping and wholeheartedly feels that you should be doing it alone and is irritated that you keep asking. (Due to upbringing)

2) He may have had an example but is not interested in helping because you may be a stay at home mom and he feels that equal division of labor is that he takes care of the bills and you take care of the house. You did not mention your work situation or his attitude toward roles in the home so I am not sure where to take that. You have to respect the fact the he may think that women should do housework and negotiate with him from there. When you do not validate his opinion, no matter how right you feel you are he will not respond. Men are not wired to respond to being the junior person in an authoritative relationship. (Due to current situation, he would help if you were working-- if you aren't currently working)

3) Even with understanding that he should pitch in if you both work and be proactive in handling tasks and he does not respond he is either stubborn in his beliefs and he will have to change those on his own and you can decide to live with it or not live with it. Or... he is just lazy and does not like doing housework. (Uninterested either way)

While many women are raised doing chores, helping mom and washing dishes and making grocery lists (not all women but more than men). Most boys did not have inside of the house chores. Just the dirty but infrequent jobs. Cleaning the garage, taking out the garbage, keeping the cars maintained, killing intruders.

An interesting point to ponder.. Who said he HAD to take out the garbage? Men aren't made to take out garbage but most people agree that it is the mans job like most people assume it is the womans job to do inside housework. Your ideals have to agree and mesh. Maybe your stubborn views that can be as bad as his. Who are YOU to tell him what he should be doing. He does what he thinks needs to be done and if it not enough for you then you should negotiate and if he refuses then move on and then maybe stop doing something that he might not mind picking up.

Answer 3

I think Laura (above) has a good plan. Someday when you both have some time together, maybe the 2 of you could sit down and make a list of all the things that need done around the house. Maybe even go room-to-room and walk around the outside of the house, adding to the list as needed. This way, he'll know what issues are important to you and vice versa. Then sit down and set priorities, daily, weekly, monthly, as needed, etc. Then work out a plan.

Answer 4

Guess what - they don't "just know".

My husband and I actually sat down and talked about things that he could do to help me -- no nagging involved. I simply said that I work full-time and I'm in school and we have kids so we both need to make a concerted effort to keep up with the household chores. I TOLD him where I needed help and he helps me in those areas. My husband wouldn't see something that needed to be done if it jumped up and bit him in the butt - but when he knows that it needs to be done then he does it.

Marriage is 50/50 deal - and the female 50% generally owns the side of the brain that see what needs to be done....we just need to relay that information to the other 50% lol

Answer 5

I have found that I get more response from my hubby if I either make him a list or just flat out ask him without preficing the request with "Can you do me a favor?" or something like that. Just flat out ask him to do something in a basic, polite, clear, and respectful way. Nagging will get you nothing for sure but bitterness and it will make him not want to help. I swear my husband asks for a list now! Good luck!

Answer 6

when we first got married, my wife had a tough time getting me to do chores.. I was used to my dorm room being trashed in college and it never bothered me, so it didn't bother me in our apartment either.. but since then we got a house and we had a baby, so a lot has changed.. now it seems like I'm the only one who ever does anything.. I cook, clean, do the dishes, and lots of other things.. my wife does laundry, but that's about it besides breastfeeding.. she complains a lot that our house isn't clean, but she doesn't do anything about it anymore.. if i don't do it, it just doesn't get done.. it might be hard for you, but maybe you could try letting things go until it gets really bad.. then if he says anything tell him you need more help around the house..

Answer 7

well i have been married for 15 yrs and still have to ask him to do things but this is what i suggest you pick one day to do iit together and that way you will no that it will all be done the way you want then maybe a few times of doing that you can see if he will continue to do it on his own well at least try any way good luck

Answer 8

I left my husband because of that amongst other things. I was sick of cleaning up behind him! He cooks he leaves the onion peels all over the place, cut up chicken scraps, and dishes in the sink, the garbage will have to stink in order for him to decide to take it out. Leaving the tub dirty etc. come on already enough is enough. Lazy people are always looking for someone to be their slave. I say Divorce him and then he will wake up. I had to even start telling him to take a bathe!

Answer 9

If he really wants to help and is actually clueless, give him a checklist that he can to refer to, and eventually he'll get the idea.

Answer 10

well all guys are like that and he's your husband why do you feel bad about it or asking him to do some work,