My husband told me this morning it's not his job to make me feel emotionaly secure thats my job what do you think?
2007-01-02 01:45:49 · 39 answers · asked by mystic_rage879 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
IN THE SAME BOAT!! But he's not as bad as he used to be. I found out about all the trauma my husband had experienced in the few years prior to our meeting and how serious his fear of intimacy was. This is the underlying problem. He doesn't want to talk about any of that "emotional crap" as they call it. He also had no respect for me because I did the "why won't you be there for me?" bit. What did I do. I grew a pair. I stopped asking him about what he thought all the time and taking care of myself and making my own decisions. If I needed advice on anything, I went to my mom or one of my friends. The result? He didn't like some of the decisions I made and the things I did. One of the problems was my weight. He'd say, "it's not my job to make you feel attractive, that's your job and your problem, you handle it." So, I did, and he didn't like what he got. I lost too much weight for his liking (he likes girls a little more filled out and I wasn't the stereotypical super-skinny college girl when we met, but I wasn't extremely overweight then either) and he complained about it. I said, "well, I'm finally happy with myself. I feel attractive even if you don't like it." His jaw dropped. I stopped consulting him on home-related and other family-related (in-law) decisions. If he'd complain, I'd say, "it's my relationship with them. I don't like the way they treat me, and I dealt with it. I'm sorry if they yell at you about it, but that's your issue to deal with them on. I'm sick of their crap". Guess what. I get a lot more respect now, and he consults with me to reach a mutual decision on family and job (relocation) things. Long story short? It's scary, but give him what he asks for, and he'll get more than he bargained for.
2007-01-02 02:11:38 · answer #1 · answered by Lady in Red 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well, it kind of depends on what you and him mean by "emotional support."
If your emotions are running wild and you are constantly seeking support to just get through the day, or if you are constantly seeking reinforcement for what you already should know (i.e. constantly asking if he really loves you), then you are expecting HEAVY emotional support, then you're putting too much stress on him and it's very reasonable that he wants you to do this yourself. Seek help with a qualified therapist.
But if you are seeking normal, healthy support, like a shoulder to cry on when you've had a bad day, or need someone to talk to about problems you're facing, then you are right. He should be that shoulder, and lend you that ear. It's what a team does.
2007-01-02 01:53:07 · answer #2 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Been there. He is wrong, wrong, WRONG! Before you make any more demands on him, spend a few weeks supporting his needs...they probably won't include as many emotional issues as yours. Reward him with praise of appreciation or physical intimacy when he does support you emotionally. Make it possible and believable to him that he can fulfill that area of your life. And don't overlook the obvious: Are you depressed? Are you mis-categorizing spiritual needs as emotional needs? The latter is a 'biggie'. Sort it out and get started, or start hiding money.
2007-01-02 01:58:53 · answer #3 · answered by Bizzy 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He does not have to emotionally support you if he is filthy rich....just kidding! Security is up to the individual person and how they feel about themselves. He cannot fix that for you. However, being supportive, is part of a relationship, and yes, as a husband he needs to fulfill his part. Good Luck!
2007-01-02 02:00:44 · answer #4 · answered by stacey h 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, and no. He shouldnt be the only one working towards your emotional well- being. Since it is yours, what about himself? If he is putting all of his efforts into you, then who's building him? And keeping him strong? Just make sure that you have friends and family interaction, as well as a fulfilling hobby, all the while maintaining a successful career. This should be fulfilling in itself. He is right, it isnt one persons JOB, to take care of another, everyone does their part, and that will equal the whole.
2007-01-02 01:56:23 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
your husband is not your psychiatrist. remember that. you are responsible for your own emotional well being. not him.
would you want a husband who you had to cheer up every day? probably not. you married a man - who is responsible for his own emotional well being.
find a girlfriend you can talk with - or see a therapist once in a while, so that you can be more of a wife and less of a needy person.
be the wife that you would want to come home to.
2007-01-02 02:03:26 · answer #6 · answered by amanda 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Depends on why you need emotional support. Why did he tell you that?
If you're going through a bad time due to illness or bereavement, or you're starting a new job, you're pregnant, yes you need him to give you emotional support. However if you're constantly looking for cuddling, and he's got other things on his mind, how about seeing what's bothering him, and give him support if he needs it? Marriage is a partnership, it's not all about you or him. It's about both of you, and supporting each other.
2007-01-02 01:57:18 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your husband sounds like a very mean and cold man. It is his job to make you feel emotionally secure. If it were me, I would file for divorce. I couldn't be with anyone like that. Your spouse is suppose to be your best friend, someone you can trust...he is such a jerk! Get rid of him!
2007-01-02 01:53:40 · answer #8 · answered by Kokolicious06 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he is tired of you whining or something. Either that, or he is really just a jerk.
I can't imagine you would marry a jerk, so I would chalk it off to a bad mood.
What were you discussing at the time?
If he seriously thinks that he has no part in your emotional security then maybe start rethinking your future. (as you are obviously doing). But don't be abrupt. Think about a counselor.
2007-01-02 01:48:51 · answer #9 · answered by ssssss 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
That's only a fraction of the commitment that should be there. You'd better think long and hard on this one because you are being short changed and will not be able to rely on him when you need him most.
2007-01-02 01:56:05 · answer #10 · answered by ElOsoBravo 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋