My 21 year old daughter has BPD. How do I get her to hear/see that she needs help? She believes it's not her.

Question

At one point it wasn't 'her'. I know firsthand my daughter wasn't 'born' with BPD. She came by it as 'naturally' as I did -- sort of recycyleld onto us. This makes this harder. She knows what BPD is -- and isn't. She has watched me detox and break free from something I never knew I had. She has been blessed with generational perspectives and insights. Has seen herself in us all. She told me 'she finally has the mother-daughter relationship she always wanted'. This past year we spent alot of time in her college town; just the two of us. Healing. Laughing. Talking. Listening. Since she has been home for Thanksgiving and now Christmas, she has reverted back to an even angrier more black and white f--- you place. It's like I've lost her -- like my arm isn't long enough to pull her out of the well. We had company over the holidays; this seemed to trigger her backward. Her behavior was bullying. We're back to love-hate. No gray. How do I get her into counseling? Does DBT require a prescrip?

Answer 1

maybe she's just being 21

Answer 2

By BPD I assume you are referring to Borderline Personality Disorder. Some people use BPD to mean Bipolar Disorder. As someone else pointed out, DBT is Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, which is the leading therapy for Borderline PD that has been proven effective. Still, as you imply, a person has to be at a place where they will participate in the therapy, which requires some degree of insight into the fact that their response patterns are contributing to their problems. For someone who seems to be lacking this insight (and therefore blaming others excessively), there is no easy answer on how to bring them around. A few suggestions: 1) avoid using ultimatums; 2) attempt, with love and without blaming, to point out the tangible, unarguable consequences the person is suffering (alienation of family and friends, loss of jobs, lack of school success, etc.); 3) don't be held hostage by the person - if they try to terrorize you by threatening serious self-harm or suicide, get them hospitalized, involuntarily if necessary, even if you think it might be a bluff. A significant number of "bluffs" can turn lethal. 4) maintain firm, clear, and consistent boundaries with the person. Be there for the person but don't sacrifice yourself or your family for them. Don't allow yourself to enter the role of rescuer. Only they can rescue themselves; you are just a source of support, love, and acceptance, not their salvation. 5) be honest with them about your feelings and thoughts. Don't keep secrets, thinking that you are protecting them from stress. Honesty and trust is huge for all of us, but especially for those of us with Borderline PD. If you give them mixed messages (saying one thing with your words but saying something different with your non-verbal communication), they will detect the discrepancy and this will greatly distress them and diminish the trust they have in you. It's my opinion that folks with Borderline PD are especially sensitive to other people's non-verbals. However, they also sometimes distort what the non-verbals mean. For instance, if I tell my loved one with Borderline PD, "I love you and will never leave you," but I am, at the same time, distracted by some problem that occurred at work that day, they might jump to the conclusion that I am being dishonest because my non-verbals don't match the content of my words. Anyway, trust and honesty are huge.

Answer 3

You've been very helpful by never defining what BPD is. Same with DBT. I happen to know what they mean. Unless you are a psychologist, watch out for a phenomenon known as "diagnostic overshadowing", which is very common in that diagnosis. Because you've been a borderline doesn't mean you are qualified to diagnose another person.

DBT, Dialetical Behavioral Training, now how is that going to require a prescription?

Answer 4

tough call -
i've been working on a program designed to do exactly what you are asking - to helop a person see that they are flying high becfore they come crashing down. the idea is using various multimedia aspects to bring a person 'into the mind of a very creative bpd" and let them see how far off they were - and then show the bp person that is just cycles out of control - with the hope that they will see they are on a crash course.

i see there is a need for this - mayeb i'll put more effort into it.

hope everythign works out for oyu

Answer 5

You have to give her time, and let her discover it for herself, but also offer her support.

It took me 6 years to admit to myself that I have a very rare and terminal form of epilepsy, which, chances are, will never even be able to be controlled, let alone cured.
It was all well going to the doctor's, having the tests, and people telling me I had epilepsy, but I needed to accept it was a part of me.
I got epilepsy at 15, and your daughter is 21, at these ages, we're supposed to be enjoying our independance, not having it taken away from us by something totally beyond our control, and it's that loss of control and independance that makes it hard, in my case, sometimes I become reclusive, sometimes I act out, and very rarely I can deal with it.

I know BPD and epilepsy ain't the same, but the emotional effects are comparable, due to our ages, (I'm 23 in March, so the age gap isn't that much).

My fits are very violent, and I've tried to kill my own family during them, but it wasn't me acting out, it was the epilepsy, and in the case of this and BPD, it is a fight against yourself, where your'e using your own strengths and weaknesses to beat yourself down.

So, to summarise; offer support, offer help, I always find it better to talk to someone who listens to me, rather than someone who condescends me, people don't know what I'm going through, and you don't know what your daughter is going through, and saying you understand will probably exaserbate things, so just offer support, and listen, 24/7.