Today I go, I won’t come back,
I give you time to see what lacks,
You never knew what choice to make,
So I decide for both, I break,
I cried enough to comprehend,
You did not love, you did pretend,
No hope is left, no one to blame,
I guess this “love” thing was a game,
You played so cool that I forgot,
What was so real and what was not,
I guess it is my turn to play,
This time without me you stay,
Do what you want and be that free,
Continue on without me,
Today I go because you don’t…
Because you didn’t and you won’t…
2007-01-01 22:37:31 · 18 answers · asked by josh k 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I give you time to see what lacks
This line is confusing. You say you will not come back just above.
I cried enough to comprehend
I do not get this. You cried enough to comprehend what?
This time without me you stay,
The word order is a little awkward.
Do what you want and be that free,
The end of this with "be that free" is a little awkward.
Wow! It is a good one. It gives shivers. I can feel huge emotion from this. I hope you are ok.
2007-01-01 22:45:21 · answer #1 · answered by Екатерина/Катя 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Keep at it!! Poetry doesn't need to rhyme, and some of it sounds a little forced as a result. I can see what happened to inspire the work, but it would have greater impact if you give the reader the opprtunity to feel as you were feeling during these experiences. The best poetry 'transmits' as well as storytelling.
Hope this helps
2007-01-01 22:43:16 · answer #2 · answered by prusec_int 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The sentiment is nice, and the flow and style are rhythm based .. however, some of your lines defy basic grammar, which tend to ruin the effect. Using the language properly is the basis to using it's words to write, and shouldn't be compromised just to fit the right amount of syllables or the rhyme scheme.
2007-01-01 22:41:49 · answer #3 · answered by Jaded 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it, been there done that. I was married 21 years, been divorced now for 7. If it wasn't for me leaving, we'd still be miserably married with him playing his little games and screwing around on me.
For some reason, he always wanted to cheat,but tell me how much he loved me and it wasn't my fault. I put up with it all for too many years.
It was hard to leave, but feel much better. NIce poem.
2007-01-01 23:29:51 · answer #4 · answered by Karen H 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't send that.
If you are leaving, then take responsibility for your own actions: you are leaving because your needs are not being met.
You both tried, and it didn't work, and you don't want to try. Don't take another jab at somebody as you walk out the door. Geez.
2007-01-02 03:59:58 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it! Its good! Real good! Speaking from an experince? Im sure that loads of people have felt just like that, but didnt know how to express it in words like that.
Well done!
2007-01-02 02:22:12 · answer #6 · answered by BadGirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it very strong words from the heart and how you truly feel, I find that this is very good, and very creative coming from words from the heart. Good job!
2007-01-01 23:12:10 · answer #7 · answered by beagirl40 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it
2007-01-01 22:40:49 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
hmmm....nice poem.
looks like u have a broken heart.
my best wishes r with u.
2007-01-01 22:44:20 · answer #9 · answered by where i am... 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I loved it very well put together.
2007-01-01 23:40:44 · answer #10 · answered by 2sweet4u 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋