How forgiving should wives be, And when to finally give up?

Question

I recently found out through admittance by my husband that while we were separated, he slept with another woman, his friend's ex-girlfriend. He claimed that it was an awful mistake he regretted before the deed was through, and although some people do sleep around while separated, my husband and I have been separated a coupl times, and this is the second time. What makes it worse was that since he was staying with a different friend for the majority of the time, I went over there one reason to ask his help in doing school shopping for kids when happened upon how close he and this girl were becoming. He claimed vehemently that they were jsut friends, and I tried to beleive him, although a chronic liar, and a week later, returning to same place, a day after having been sexually involved with him as we had still kept that communication open, i came to find out he slept with her- thirteen junior- and that doesn't know why, ego since she wasn't attractive. Help! Rough ride ten years, 2 kids

Answer 1

Have to say it is a devestating blow to the whole thing isnt it---You and I have had allot in common--I have seperated from my husband more than twice over seriouse problems--never did we step out on each other --I never even considered it was a possibility to be honest--we were always working on the problems at hand--we have children and we both feel they need a home with both parents--and that it should be a happy home--THEN the last break-up--with out the long drawn out story as to why we were apart-- First of all he was still at home at this point he hadnt found an apartment yet--He met this gal at the Circle K where he stopped for gas and coffee each day going to work--somehow they swapped numbers--(he is a charmer and very nice to everyone) then they started talking and then I found out he had seen her a time or two--All of this while he was at home--I told him to stop with this he said oh she is just a nice lady down on her luck--Ok --whatever--they talked in the morning (when he was driving to work) at lunch and even on the way home--I used to check his phone messages (then delete them ) and come to find out he had told her we were seperated--(remember we wernt yet) I was bent--anyway seems he magically found an apartment real fast after they started this talking thing--next thing I knew I was seemingly loosing my husband of 18 years--No this was not happinging--I went to this womans work--and what I saw was shocking--she is three of me (I am all of 120 lbs) and well lets just not say anthing else negitive about her personally--I just didnt see the attraction--FAST FORWARD --Ok I ended up talking to her--He hadnt been truthful to her--he was making himself up to be this wonderful person that had never wronged a flea--Of course she was taken by him she didnt have 18 years of history--like I did--we knew each other sence we were 14 and 15 years old and now at 50 and 18 years of marriage nobody was going to get in the way of making this marriage work--she was in fact a nice person--seperated herself and she said with all that I had told her my husband wasnt allot different than her own--she was sorry --and never heard from her again--After my husband was told that we talked he just said fine we need to look forward to the 50th wedding anniversary--What caused him to stray?? He didnt feel that he still could attract a woman --What ever--So hang in there IF there is the love of a lifetime--and be true to each other --

Answer 2

hi there im sorry that you are going through this but i have to start by asking why where you both still having sex when you where seperated ....hows idea was the seperation ....youres ??well he must be good in bed .....his ?? well i can only think that he wanted to have some fun .......right lets put it this way you can only answer these questions ......do you love him .....i mean really love him to move on together and get this relationship back on track and stop all this sleeping around and that you never throw it in his face every time you have a fall out .....if that is what you can manage to do then i wish you all the luck in the world .......me personally well he slept with a minor of 13years regrardless of how she looks if she has 3 heads an a long tail......that is just wrong ....this guy is a slimeball that is never going to settle down and behave him self unless you both want this to work and i mean really work you both have a lot of ground to cover ......personally i wouldnt give him air space after whAT HE HAS DOWN .......but it is not me that is living youre life that is where you have to take control of it and make some big and important decicions for you and you alone .....i wish you all the luck inthe world .....and take care xx

Answer 3

It is a tough question, especially when infidelity is involved.
Have you tried marital counseling? Just being able to talk through your issues can help re-build trust. You should, however, insist that he cut off all contact with the woman he slept with -- no phone calls, no text messages, no meetings. You need to be very firm about that. It sounds like he is very repentant, and is willing to try to make it work, though, so you may still have a chance to salvage your relationship. Good luck!

Answer 4

You guys need to get some counseling to figure out the reasons for the original separation and also his infidelity. Is your marriage something you want to save?

Counseling just for you would be good too. You need to feel good about yourself so you don't keep settling for the crap he is dishing out. You have to respect yourself and demand that he respects you too. Good luck to you. Being separated is not a reason to sleep with someone else.

Answer 5

it is hard to forgive when the person we are forgiving has lied to us, and betrayed us. whatever u decide to do, forgiving him has to happen even if u don't stay in the marriage. forgiving begins with pain, and that we have a right to our feelings, forgiveness is a process, u will never forget it, u may never again trust him, as we will always fear being injured again. personally it would just be alot easier to end the relationship, than open oneself up to be hurt again. some things just aren't forgivable, and one of them is repeated betrayal's and lies about it. whatever u decide to do, know that your resentment toward him, will only hurt u not him. seems as if whenever there is a disagreement with him, he chooses to go outside the marriage for comfort, instead of coming to u and talking it over. seems as if this is a pattern of behavior out of him, and the more times it has happened the less chance of reconciliation.

Answer 6

I would move on because it's obvisoly not working, if you have already seperated twice and he's slept with someone else during it, it doesn't say much for his feelings towards you. It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, you have already given him 10 years of your life, go out and live your life, meet some hot guys and let him wonder what your up too.

Answer 7

He needs help I try to live by forgive and forget (well bury it deep in the back of your mind in case he is stupid enough to try it again LOL) but if he lies all the time you cant trust him. 10 yrs is a long time to invest in to a person and then just walk away but you need to think of your kids what is he teaching then that its OK to lie all the time and that if you lie long enough that you'll start to believe it .I hate to say this but I think you would be better off cutting your losses. Good luck to you

Answer 8

You have been separated twice. He admits he has slept with other women.

The better question to ask yourself is why you are even thinking of trying to patch things up. Run for the hills.

Answer 9

I gave up when I couldnt trust him anymore. It is hard to give up on a marriage that you have struggled to keep together but once trust is gone, its near impossible to keep together. Now we are divorced and he is remarried, he has tried to cheat on his new wife.. WITH ME, and that has just told me I am much better off without him! Good Luck! Hope it works out for you, either way!

Answer 10

please get rid of the man he is a player and a sleeze he is no good maybe if you say it is over get the devorce pappers and everything he might change but if he does dont take back straight away or your just a joke to him and he will do it again im telling you dont forgive that that is wrong