I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. A year ago he got a new job in IN while I stayed in TN to finish up school. We see each other once a month. The long distance thing has been hard and I notice we fight more this year...Well, three weeks ago he got promoted within his company and moved again to a new town in IN. He met a woman there who recommended his apartment complex. He went to dinner with her twice and kissed her at the end of the second date. I found this out when I saw he was googling her on his computer when I went to visit, and I contacted her and she told me they went on 2 dates and kissed once. I dumped him immediately.
Now, my boyfriend is going nuts. He's bawling and saying that the only reason he went out with her was because he was tired of our arguing. He even is telling me he will buy me this $9000 ring and sending me pictures of it. I'm worried he will cheat again...Once a cheater always a cheater, right? But I love him so much. What should I do?
2007-01-01 18:22:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I just want to clarify that I did not mean to imply that I was considering taking him back because he was offering me a ring... Material things don't matter.... I added that to clarify how desperate he's become now that he's lost me
2007-01-01 18:47:15 · update #1
If you are truly willing to let this go, and take the chance that he may repeat his actions, then go for it. Personally, I wouldn't. He may truly be upset over the two of you splitting up, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's in love with you the way that you want him to be. My ex-husband did the same thing to me, and when I found out, I asked him why? If he was so unhappy with me, then why didn't he just let me go instead of doing this behind my back? His response shocked me - he said that he just wanted to make sure that this other girl was really in love with him, and that she was what he really wanted. When he felt sure of it, he was going to divorce me and be with her instead. Well, he got his wish - I gave him a divorce, and the freedom to be with whoever he wanted - after I took him back and caught him cheating on me again 2 years later with another woman. The funny thing is, now he's miserable and I'm okay, although for a long time, I didn't think that I ever COULD be happy without him - I was wrong! My point is, if you decide to take him back, be prepared to have some serious issues that you guys will have to get through. Just don't stay with him because you're used to him, or because you're afraid of starting over, or because you're afraid you won't find anyone else. Trust me, I've been there and you can do it. And I wasn't one of those strong women who can get through anything with no problems. For the first couple of months, I was miserable, and I can't count the number of times I wanted to say ok, I'll just take him back, and whatever happens, happens. But, I made myself stop and think of the life I would have in front of me if I continued on this path, and I knew it wouldn't be good for me, and it most definitely wouldn't be good for my son. If you either have children, or are planning to, then you must consider them above all, when making your decision. It hurts them just as much as it does you, when they see what you're going through. I'll leave you with one last quote from my husband ( maybe he'll be good for something, other than giving me my son). He told me that the reason he cheated on me the second time, was because he knew that I'd take him back again, because I did before - well, he was wrong.
2007-01-01 18:41:57 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I don't believe that ALL saying are 100% true. Some people can change their ways. Of course that saying will be true sometimes as there are those people who can't change their ways.
You and your boyfriend have been together for quite a long time. Has he cheated before? Is this a pattern with him? If so, then I say that the saying probably does apply to him. If not then maybe it was a one time deal---maybe the being away from you, the arguing, stress whatever got to him. Now I realize you were dealing with those same issues to and YOU didn't cheat on him. On the one hand he may really be sorry--he may have tested the waters and found out that the grass wasn't greener without you. Of course, he may just be trying to bribe you with a $9000 ring. If you take it, it may create the blueprint for his future attempts/gifts for future forgiveness. Of coures, you can accept his offer, and let him know that if he keeps googling her or cheats on you again again he will lose you and you will take his gift along with you. By all means though, if you decide to take him back, make sure you have that ring in your hand first. Then he will know that you mean business. Know this though, it will take you a very long time to trust him again if you do take him back and there will be many more arguments in your future. There will be hardships and crisis that you will encounter as a couple. Is he the man that will be there through thick and thin? Or will he be a coward, runaway or be selfish and only think of himself. No gift is worth that kind of man and every woman is worth more than a $9000 ring. I mean, would it be optimal to have a $9000 and a man you can trust. Only you really know if you can trust him.
2007-01-01 18:38:51 · answer #2 · answered by BookLady 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A $9000 ring cannot buy back your trust respect for the man you have loved & spent the last 3 years with. When I was still going out out with my husband, he told me that while he was in the city a tourist chatted him up & they went to dinner & then kissed before they parted. I stayed with him & we have now been married for 11 years. 5 years ago, he admitted to me that he cheated on me with a 'friend' of mine (just after 2 years of being married).
I'm still with him but very miserable. I'm only staying because of our 2 lovely children. He has tried to make amends over the years (even bought me a $15000 ring for our 10-year wedding anniversary), but I can never trust him or truly forgive him.
It's true that people change & I'm pretty sure that my husband has changed & wouldn't DARE cheat on me again. It's YOUR call. Think long & hard about this decision. It could be a real turning point inyour relationship & in your life also.
I wish you all the best. I found it hard to let go because at the time I really really loved this guy.
2007-01-01 18:41:47 · answer #3 · answered by funkychick 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he "slipped on the carpet"... you know him best and are best able to judge if he truly loves you, with or without the expensive ring. It is not true that once a cheater always a cheater - that's to me a cop-out for people who don't want to make the effort to get over any hurdles they may have faced.
If you love him so much, and he loves you, then you could choose to give him another chance, and I'm wondering how soon it will be before you can be geographically closer? That would also help, as he's obviously needing the love you give him & we do NOT want him to go looking for it elsewhere just because it's available near by.
Take care.
2007-01-01 18:41:38 · answer #4 · answered by Sugar 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So, he went out with someone else because he was tired of arguing with you. Maybe he should have hopped on a plane and flew to see you, or sent you flowers, or done anything to say that he was tired. He shouldn't have gone on a date with someone else because that shows that he didn't care about your feelings. And to make it worse, you found out from her and not him.
If you really want this to work, then you should find a way to bridge the distance between you. You could transfer to another school to be close to him. Because it is obvious that this relationship will not work long distance.
Just remember that he did cross the line once. That makes it easier to cross a second time. And if you take him back now, he will know that you would take him back again. If you want him back, have him try harder. Have him spend that 9000 on airplane tickets, anything that shows he wants to be with you, not that he wants you to have things...
2007-01-01 22:44:40 · answer #5 · answered by torn 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, it sounds like you're a pretty smart girl, you answered your own question! "Once a cheater..." generally it's true! I guess there is always that ONE exception. However, what do you think the chances are you guys will be that one?
I've been married for 8 years now. I believe the sucess to anything is trust & communication. Without trust you have NOTHING. It's like this.....
You have your grandmothers beautiful china cup and saucer......one falls and breaks into pieces. Sure, you can spend all day on your hands and knees searching for all the pieces, you can spend hours gluing it back together, etc......But, it's NEVER the same again! You can't drink tea out of it, sure, at a distance it may look fine.....but up close, you see all the cracks, missing chunks, etc.....It's not as pretty, not worth as much, etc........You get what I'm saying right?
Once he has done this to you, you will be questioning EVERYTHING! He'll either try to make it up to you (which he'll have to spend a lifetime trying to do) or, he'll become bitter with you because you don't trust him and he can't change that,"But, man! what do you want me to do?!?!?" will be all you hear as he yells at you for not trusting him, etc.......
I know you love him, alot! He probably loves you, as much as he is capable of.......but really, LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH! I know that sounds like a cliche, but it's true! It isn't enough! You NEED trust and communication.....Sounds like communication has been gone for a long time too!
It will be hard to say good bye, but in the long run, easier on you BOTH! You deserve better than that, and if he truly regrets it, he deserves better too. But neither of you can be the "better" to each other. Even HE deserves to be trusted, if he truly is remorseful. I know you're saying, "ok, that means I need to give him a second chance!" Wrong! you may think you're capable of putting it behind you, but you ultimately won't! It's like grandma's cup....at a distance, you can forget it for awhile, but eventually, you have to look at the cup again, or try to use it....Those cracks will get you wet, every time! (I know, bad analagy! Sorry, it's late!)
Anyway, you guys need to cut your loses now. I know it's difficult, but don't waist yours or his time by fooling yourselfs into thinking everything will be ok, we can get past it. Unfortunately, you won't, and by the time you realize that, you've wasted even more time!
I am really sorry for you both! I will say a prayer that BOTH of your hearts heal quickly! (oh yeah.....buying your forgiveness, Really? That's so sad, on SO many levels! (Not being mean here, either, it really is sad!) God bless you both!
2007-01-01 18:43:57 · answer #6 · answered by nugirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its easy to say once a cheater always a cheater, but some people do change. If he is really really interested then he will be willing to not only earn your trust again but take it back to the beginning. So, rather than picking up where you left of, do you think start from the beginning as if you are somewhat just dating again. That's a lot of your patience, but if he is serious he will have no problems proving himself.
2007-01-01 18:27:26 · answer #7 · answered by Isabella O 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He made it your fault. He is a loser and trying to buy you back. He will cheat again. A guy who cheats once and doesn't get dumped will realize he can get away with it again. There are so many guys in the world that don't cheat, why settle for the one who will? I hope you know you are worth more then a $9000 ring.
2007-01-01 18:46:33 · answer #8 · answered by lastonealive@sbcglobal.net 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No.
If he went out with another woman because he "was tired of your fighting" it will only get worse in time.
He's already proven he has the potential to cheat. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
2007-01-01 19:32:29 · answer #9 · answered by Voodoid 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you were a little to hard on the guy, although I admire your standards of commitment. His reaction to your dumping him seems like it might be sincere. I wouldn't judge your future relationship with him based on the very strained situation you have been in for the last several months. You were faithful. He screwed up. Give him another chance, but let him know that you have zero tolerance for cheating.
2016-05-23 05:24:24 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋