Should I stay or should I go?

Question

More than 10 year married. Three wonderful children who I love. But, it is not working. A lot of fighting, very controling, different way of thinking, and in all these years, I have never been sexually satisfy. What should I do? If you are divorce with children let me know in your answer.

Answer 1

Been there - almost the same situation for me. I stayed and we have been married 35 years now. But, it hasn't been easy.

You mention "controlling" and never sexually satisfied. I'll tell you what I did. I sat down and in a calm voice told my wife that I wasn't happy and I told her why. I focused on how I felt, not that she was causing it all. I told her that in spite of my love for her and the kids, I was considering leaving and that I would unless some changes occurred.

That worked for about two months. Slowly, we slid back into the old patterns. But, because of my love for family and commitment to marriage, I stayed. After 26 years, I had had it. She wouldn't go to counseling, so I left. It absolutely shocked her. She never really believed I would do it.

Things really changed after that. We went to counseling - together - and she dropped her controlling ways and made an effort to be more intimate.

We've worked out arrangements to stay together. It's not ideal, but it works. There have been lots of compromises and sacrifice, but we both believe in the marriage promises we made and are going to be together for the rest of our lives.

My advice would be to set some limits, discuss what those limits are, require her to go to counseling with you, and be prepared to separate for a while if she refuses to work with you. If necessary, leave - and take your clothes with your to show that you mean business. Most controlling spouses don't get it until they have the rug pulled out from underneath them. I'll bet she'll come around.

Answer 2

On the one hand, I am a believer in the idea that "staying together just for the kids" is wrong in the long run. Separating the family is not healthy for children emotionally, but neither is giving them such a horrible daily example of what parents/spouses are supposed to be. It's picking the LESSER of those two evils that most people strive to do.
That being said, it doesn't sound like there has been much effort to fix the problems, and your description here of the relationship is very vague. You say she's controlling, but is she abusive? No one can truly give you the right advice without knowing more about things like that. If you are being abused, then by all means you should go.
Fighting? Everyone fights. It is not possible to live with another human being for your entire life and NOT disagree or just get on each other's nerves. NEVER satisfied? Then why is it only an issue now, after 10 years and 3 children? Are you sure this isn't just one of those times that is so difficult, it blurs all the good times you should remember?
Sometimes in marriage we fight about all the wrong things-things that are unnecessary, just because there are issues that we have let build up over time without dealing with them. You need to ask yourself exactly what has happened to make you think about throwing away a 10 year investment of your time, the woman you once loved enough to marry and have children with, and the relationship that they are currently able to enjoy with both of you. We all deserve happiness-and if you can't have that happiness with her for whatever reason, then you should not be together, and you don't have to feel guilty about leaving. But you should not make a decision like that until you have exhausted every effort to revive that relationship-you should TRY to fix it first. Realize that the problems you have now will be replaced with the issues of divorce, court appearances, custody and child support, property division, etc.
I am divorced with 2 children, and remarried now with a third. It was the best decision to make for my childrens' sake as well as my own-I left my ex husband because he was physically abusive-not just because we didn't like each other or the sex wasn't great. Anything short of abuse can be fixed. But BOTH of you have to be willing to do it.

Answer 3

Well, I am not divorced, but I am contemplating divorce and I have a 2 yr old.. The best advice I can give you is to get some counseling. If you are not happy and do not feel that you ever will be I say you should be totally honest with your wife, tell her your not happy and you want a separation..Get some counseling even if it is to help both of you through the divorce. What is the worst that could happen? You could actually get along become great friends and understand how to raise your children together while being divorced. The best way to be happy is to understand every bodies feelings feelings including the children..Now, please do not misunderstand me I do not think that you should stay in an unhappy marriage for the children, but I do think that you should get help in understanding how they feel and how to be the best parents you can possibly be..
If you tell your wife that you want a separation and to go to counseling it will help both of you in the long run..Both will understand where the other one stands and if you do decide to get the divorce part of the hard work will be finished already...Small steps do not seem as harsh!
I hope I have helped!
I will pray for all of your happiness!!

Answer 4

You can fuss at me now because I'm not divorced, but I wanted to say that unless you've sought counseling then you shouldn't go.

I'm 30 years old and having to deal with my parents splitting up just a few months ago. My brother's and my children have suffered greatly because of this (the grandkids). It's been hard on us too.

Marriage isn't just about being sexually satisfied. Your wife is not just your wife. She's a mother which can cause her to be tired, so no she won't have the same get up and go that she used to have or that some young thing without kids to care for might have. You should make the most of the times you do get together in that way.

When you marry you say for better or worst and this may be the worst for you right now, but with proper counseling and time talking with your wife it will help you out. You BOTH need to be prepared to LISTEN and not just ARGUE your points.

Yes, divorce hurts. It will hurt your children now that they are young and even if they're older.

The grass on the other side may seem greener, however, you can BE SURE it comes with it's own set of problems. A new woman may not have the same problems your wife has, but you can rest assured that she will have things about her that you won't like and can't change. Are you prepared to have another man in your children's lives and to have to deal with extended family, because your wife will NOT remain single.

The best way to look at things is that you yourself are not perfect and so you can't expect her to be and she can't expect you to be.

Answer 5

YOU ARE PATHETIC !!!!!!!

To announce that you have three wonderful children and then proceed to say that you have not been sexually satisfied in all these years.....................

WHAT A JERK!!!!!!!!!!!

Why did you stick around pro-creating if you were never satisfied after the first time ????
Why did you subject your wife and those 2 second-thought children (after having the first one) to a life with a poor, miserable bast-ard as you professed to be!!!!
You know, it takes TWO to make a marriage....but only one to break it.
It seems to me that you have been entirely too selfish during all these years to even make an effort to make your marriage work and you have probably have totally blinded yourself to what possibly might have been the best relationship with a wonderful woman who has produced these three wonderful children that you seem to dote on.
Have you ever wondered why the relationship is controlling and full of fighting? You know, there again, it takes two to fight. And, one can only be in a controlling relationship if they allow themselves to be or admit to being...controlled.
I think you need to take a long hard look at this relationship and then look at yourself in the mirror and see where it went sour along the way.

Answer 6

That is a hard question to answer. Divorce worked for me. Better for the kids in my situation, but not ideal. Nothing will be perfect, stay or go if it isn't working.

Try counseling first, then if it doesn't work, divorce.

If you fight in front of the kids, you are doing more damage to them than you are helping them by staying together. Don't forget, ultimately you are laying the blueprints for what your children will expect in a relationship. If it is loveless and fighting, that is probably what they will have.

Answer 7

I was in the same situation, married for ten years with 2 children. Fighting, etc. Got divorced, the kids were happier and so am I. Believe it or not, the grass is greener on the other side and my ex and I get along better than before.

Answer 8

Asking someone for advice who is divorced with children, is like asking someone who has been in a lot of car wrecks to give you advise about safe driving.
Seek professional help, get the both of you to come in and have a sit down and talk with a professional present. You have kids, sorry, but you can't take them back at Sears, you are going to have to do your best to improve things first. Let the professionals do their job here.

Answer 9

Why would you dispose of your marriage like so many others? Are you too lazy to work on your marriage? Ask yourself and see if you really want this and YOU need to make some changes. It sounds like you are pretty selfish if you are contemplating divorce and separating the children from their father for your sexual needs or lack of. Grow up and stick by your family.

Answer 10

For the children, try to work it out somehow.

After 10 years, people are friends more than lovers. And wives - if they feel secured and loved, the fighting/controlling with stop. She will tend to see it your way. Sex will improve once the relationship improves.

See to that her needs are met. Then yours will be too.