Does this sound selfish of me?

Question

My husband and have just discovered he is bi-curious after 8 years together he has tried to keep the gay porn sites, fantasies, and his sex toys hid. Now I found out he likes to put on my undergarments. And yes this has us both frustrated and hurt right now. He wants me to wear a strap on to bed with him or let him wear his drag when we have sex and I just can't imagene doing either. I try to be open minded but the thought just really turns me off. I support him right now because I know his got to be so confussed and I know that he's still turned by women but I just can't help him with these things in the bedroom I can be here for support and as a loving wife to talk to but I can't do those things in bed with him when I'm hurting so much.

Also I have not tried to make him stop, he has just hid these things because he was embarrassed and was scared to loose me. I told him that he needs to be who he is because he has to make himself happy.

Answer 1

I agree with TiGer you should definitely get a professional to help you both work out your emotions.

Answer 2

Okay, Your husband is a cross dresser, and he is wanting to gender swap with you in bed. First, put your clothes off limits to him, they are yours, not his and you did not give him permission to wear them. If he wants to dress, he should buy his own or have you help him if YOU want to. (If not, he's on his own). Second, you do not have to acquise to his fantasies if this makes you uncomfortable, but you need to take the time to ask yourself why you are uncomfortable with this. (being uncomfortable is neither right nor wrong, you need to get to the why). Third, talk to him about his desires and your concerns and if the two of you can't reach agreement in a loving way, then see about a marraige therapist. It may well be that your husband was cross dressing long before you met or he may have started afterwards. There's a lot more here to your question, and you need to discover is he trying to uncover his feminine side or does he believe he is a female in a man's body. Some help can be found on the web by doing a search for crossdressers. (support sites for both you and him). He needs to come clean and you need to set some boundries and explain to him why they are important to you. Just because you are married does not mean open season for everything. Good luck

Answer 3

Well, even though I would really not want you out of your comfort zone with what you want to do, at least he's expirimenting with you rather than someone else.

Like I said, I don't want you doing anything you don't want to do, expecially when it comes to sex because that's something that you should feel most comfortable with.

Honestly though... if you both can't come to an agreement on what you'd both be able to do to make eachother happy, than it probably won't work out unfortunately. Whether people like to admit it or not, sex is a big part of a relationship, and if you're not on the same wave length neither will be happy.

He shouldn't ask you to do things that you don't want to do but you also can't penalize him for being curious INSIDE the marraige either.

Answer 4

No, it doesn't sound selfish at all. I think that it would probably be a good idea for you both to go to a marriage counselor or something of the like so that you can iron out the wrinkles in your relationship with each other and get to know each other better. Perhaps in time you will become more comfortable with his requests, or perhaps he will realise that that's not something you can do and stop asking about it. Maybe you will decide to open up the relationship to a third, male partner, (not something that I advise, but it's been done before) to satisfy his homosexual tendencies. I hope that in any case both of you feel much better.

Answer 5

You need to see a therapist to deal with the feelings of sadness and anger that you must be experiencing right now. It is okay to try and be open minded because you obviously love this man but remember this is also a shock to what you had to come believe was the true nature of your relationship. The feelings of loss can be very consuming at times and a therapist will help you process these feelings properly so that you do not become angry or depressed because of these issues suddenly coming up. You need to also take care of yourself and be aware that this is stressful. I sense that you feel confused and this is why it would be helpful to seek some professional advice. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Selfish? Maybe a little. Justified? Yes.

First step: marriage counselor.

2nd step: Coming to terms with what he wants you to do. Can you do it for him once you get over the fact that he hid it from you? (The counselor should help with that.)

Another suggestion, if you are unwilling to indulge his fetishes yourself, is to look into swinging (having safe sex outside your relationship). That way, your husband can get all the kinky sex he wants, and you don't have to do it. Plus, you can always get more sex yourself. :D

Basically, how far are you willing to go to keep him?

As another word of advice, though... _DON'T_ try to force him to change his mind about being bi-curious or dressing in drag. It will just make him resent you. (I know from being on the recieving end of that in a past relationship.) If you can't be happy with who he is (and _all_ of who he is), you're better off breaking the marriage off.

Answer 7

If he wants to live that way, he has the right to. You trying to force him to stop won't work.
But, bring this up to him. You're not forcing him to hide his desires. Likewise, he can't force you to do something you don't want to. Be nice about it, tell him he can do whatever he wants to do. But if you seriously don't want to do something, then you don't want to do it.
As you are patient toward him, he needs to be patient toward you. You guys will never work this out if you're fighting in the bedroom. Tell him you want to slow down and take one step at a time. If he pressures you into something, and you do it just to make him happy, you'll end up resenting him.
Work on finding that happy ground where you both get what you want, and neither is made to feel bad. It may mean he'll never get you to do certain things. But giving up a few things in bed seems more important than fighting.

Answer 8

Are you for real? Give me a break, quit being so nice and find yourself a real man. And put that frail little girl out of your house so he can find himself. And have him take his toys with him so he can play with the boys.
You deserve to be happy and believe me you won't with him. Give yourself the right be be mad and quit being so nice. He shouldn't of married you in the first place.
You may want to check out Brokeback Mountain. People don't grow out of this. You both should deal with this or get use to wearing a strap on.

Answer 9

Selfish ?--no Hurt? -very much so. I really don't know much about your situation..but rather than give you some idiotic answer..let me just say that I think you may well need some kind of counselling help on this issue...this is too tough for me.

Answer 10

hello you 2 should find a common ground where it works for both of you see what stuff you both like and maybe experment with the other stuff (strapon dildos) but mosty take your time. my story im 29 and im a transseuxal (HRT 1 month so far). i told my family when i was 23. but im still letting my family find out stuff (i dont date men BTW). i can understand how your hubby feels.. he wants his part of his life but he does not want to loose you. thats why he does not keep his stuff out. :)