My daughter is getting out of control...?

Question

She is 13 and dating this guy whom is 16. He has tattoos,earrings and long hair. He somtimes wears in braids,down ior in a ponytail. I have had to go through everything on the computer to make sure she is not having any contact with him yet she is still sneaking out and hanging out on the streets. I have to drive everywhere to find her. Sometimes I do not and get extremely worried. I read her questions and she is wanting to have SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE. My husband who is a pastor has tried everything with her and sometimes he smells alchohol. She thinks we are only being control freaks or something but we just don't want to see her get hurt and she will not believe that. Me and my husband have always been strong Christians and I have been praying and praying and now she is saying she does not really believe in God same for her sisters.We searched her room and read her diary and apparently she has been spending the night at friends house including her boyfriends.

She has been purchasing CD's and watching BET which show music that is teaching her things I do not want her even thinking about. She also has posters of this singer Lloyd Polite which I have taken down twice and she just got more. They are most disturbing because some have pictures of him with his shirt off. I do not want her going with anyone like her boyfriend who is not saved and is not a Christian person. Her sister is bad enough whom already has 1 child and is pregnant with another. We have had to be extremely strict with her. It's just getting out of control I do not know what to do she is sneaking out and seeing this 16 year old boy and I do not want them having sex or she associating with him or her ghetto friends who use profanity. She also has been using profanity. I have tried grounding her taking away privilages and extra chores. Nothing seems to matter with her and she just completely ignores anything my husband or I say.

She does say she believes in God but barely though. This worries me...

The poster problem also!

Answer 1

I am not religious so I personally do not think sex out of marriage is a bad thing. But I will respect your beliefs. I do how ever thing 13 is way to young to be involved in these things. Were I live the 16 year old would be made fun of for dating a 13 year old. Plus it can be illegal to they are more then 2 years apart. If they are sexually active you can press charges or other stuff along that line.

I hope she comes to her senses sheesh shes just a kid.

Answer 2

How could this happen? It's certainly a cliche that the preachers kids are the wildest, but how does it happen?

My son is almost 14, and he is interested in creating films, reading everything about certain eras of history, playing games with his family and friends, talking to his cousins.

So, how does your child reach 13 and not have interests she is passionate about, but only self-destructive behaviors? What have you been doing all along to guide her, to give her a life she values?

You shouldn't be searching her room and her computer stuff - you shouldn't be allowing her on her computer unsupervised because you already know she uses it inappropriately. She should not be going out anywhere, let alone you having to go find her. How can a child sneak out of their own house? What makes them want to?

It seems like you haven't been parenting at all, just expecting God to innoculate her or something. We don't believe in God in my house, but we believe in responsiblity, accountability, rules, goals, dreams, values, treating other people the way you want to be treated.

You have failed your daughter big time and your take on your religion has failed you and your family. It's very shallow and obviously offers your daughter nothing.

Stop praying for her and actually raise her. Get the book - how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk - so you can learn how to discipline.

You and your husband are the problem - she is the symptom. Get yourself right, be a decent INVOLVED parent, guide her, save her life.

Answer 3

My inlaws had a similar problem with their 16 year old and before all was said and done, the police were involved on several occassions, and finally she was sent out of state to a psychiatric clinic. Thank goodness she's back on track and back in school. Like you and your husband, they're good Christian parents and I felt the child's problem stemmed from the fact that they were not firm enough with her when she was younger, and then she felt as if she was competing with a perfect older sister and would never measure up. I think self destructive behavior usually comes when kids are insecure about who they are and once that happens they go looking for that security anywhere they can find it. Right now the boyfriend and girl friends are telling her the things she wants to hear. You need to tell her the truth and do what it takes to keep her out of life altering trouble until she sees the truth for herself. Life may be hell for a year or two, but when she gets over this difficult hump, she'll thank and love you forever.

Answer 4

That's great that you are trying to prevent her from these things. Teenagers these days are waaaay too "adult" for the ages. I wish they understood that their childhood will be over before they know it and they have the rest of their lives to be screw ups...they should enjoy this time.

You probably should stay away from reading her diary though, that is her private thoughts. Maybe just sit her down and explain why you and her father don't want her doing these things. Explain how much you truly love her and and want what's best.

Maybe consider changing schools or putting her on a much more strict schedule as in she can only have friends over at your house while you are home. She'll be pissed but 5-20 years from now she'll appreciate everything you have done for her and she'll want to pass these things on to her children someday. Remind her to think long term, and in reality, she'll never see her "boyfriends" again once she graduates highschool. And if she sleeps with them, they will dump her within days. Boys don't love at that age, they are only after 1 thing. And the "love" she feels now will be nothing compared to the love she feels when she's 20...

Good luck

Answer 5

I am 13 myslef and would never even think of sex at this age! It's a sad fact, some kids just don't care. My advice would be to give her some privacy, don't read her diary, let her have one poster. As for the alcohol, my parents have 0 tolerance for that, and you should to. Keep tabs on her, does she have a cell phone? Call to check on her. I whole-heartedly believe in what you are doing. As for dating restrictions, they almost never work. Get to know the young man she is currently dating, some you'll like, and some you won't. But DO keep her from having another child, already having 1 and another on the way at that age, just isn't right. Make sure that she is home by curfue. Are her friends her age? Then they don't have cars. She'll need a ride home some way or another. As for her beliefs, some people develop beliefs apart from their parents during this time, and get mad when you talk religion. My parents are always talking to me about things that are irritating, and end up mad at them. Steer away from those topics in her life. She surely doesn't want to talk about them. So cut her SOME slack on dating, but continue to be firm about sex and her going out.
Best of Luck To You

Answer 6

Teenagers will be teenagers. She's just rebelling, not matter what anyone says. You need to put your foot down. If it weren't for my parents, I would've been a mommy by the time I was 13. I wanted a baby, and so did this 19 year old. Good thing my mom stepped up. No more sleep overs, change the locks, and they do have these things for windows so children can't fall out of windows, but I think that you could invest in one and that way she won't be able to sneak out of her room. It's a shame that you have to keep her locked down, but she must learn. Unless you want to her to ruin her life by becoming a mommy at a very early age. I'm not trying to frighten you either... I've been that age, I know what 16 year old boys are like. And it's a shame he's going for a 13 year old. Get a restraining order from this boy if you must. Do what you have to do. Good luck and I really do hope things work out for you!

Answer 7

First off, I would never allow a child of 13 to date. She is a child.
You are the child's parents and have to lay down the boundaries and the rules ffrom the get go, otherwise she will run circles around you and really stress you out. I think at this point, I would find a good Christian counselor to take your daughter to. You and your husband can go along for family therapy. I do know that if you continue to allow your daughter to walk all over you and sneak around, matters will only get worse, not better. She sounds very rebellious. If you suspect alcohol or drug use, then buy an over the counter test and make her take it. You also need to let your daughter know that you love her despite all the acting out that she is doing. Let her know that with age comes responsibility, and responsibile people get more freedom. At her age, she is not mentally able to engage in those activities that you suspect she is. Good luck. Also give this up to God and he will lead you to the right person to help.

Answer 8

I would never allow a 13 year old to date. She is way to young she is still a child. How could you let her do that.YOU ARE THE PARENT. all you have to do is get your head together. tell her you are not allowed to date, drink, or even going to spend the night at her friends house. Be TOUGH on her. you can do it. If all the strategies you and your husband have tried didn't work, believe me nothing will. take her to boot camp, therapist,or something! Personally, I feel very sorry for you and your 13 year old daughter.It must be very hard and embarrassing to tell the world about your daughter. Remember she is a child,if you don't do anything it WILL affect her in many ways. I know you are trying your hardest, but you have to try harder or else if this is going to go on, you will have a serious problem with your daughter in the future. DO something before it is too late.........

Answer 9

ugh well dont let her know youve been snooopign aroudn in her room and on the computer. she does sound liek she is otu of control... she may be gettign into trouble, drinking at a young age is never good and just hope she isnt having sex. she thinks she is safe and that "she is a grown and mature woman"they always know whats right. i had an ego (that i was always right ) when i was a young teen. but now i listen to what everyone has to say adn take their word for it.

but the day that she does get in trouble for somethign just say i told you so.. you can always contaact the police when she leaves the house at night and report her as a runaway? or install an alarm system of some sort.

but also get to know the bf. i do not believe she is old enough nor mature enough to have one... my mom wouldnt let me date till i was out fo high school.. she istn responsible yet. but just jecause he has tattoos, long heair and piercings doesnt mean he is a bad person. i thought that too until i went and got a few piercings myself and the peoel that work in those shops are covered with tattoos and piercins. they are all very nice. my mom even struck up a conversatin with the, .even though she though they were gross. lol


but never judge a book by its cover. they just seem liek they are both immature and irresponsible..

thre isnt much you can do. other than ground her. take away her phone adn everything.

say if she keeps it up then she cant get her license till she is 18! so when all of her firned have a car she wont have the privelage to drive..


hope she shapes up!

Answer 10

You are being way too strict! You won't even let her wear pants, or shirts with writing on them. Thats rediculous! Give her some room and some flexibility in her life. My parents let me have space and privicy, and I didn't lose my virginity until my 20's. I was always polite and respectful to them and made good grades. I loved my parents. Your making her hate you. It's a poster, big deal! The only reason she wants to date this thug is because you hate him. I agree he is too old for her. She is just a child and doesn't need to be having sex or drinking. Give her some room and some space and talk with her. She has convinced herself that she loves this guy, so don't be suprised if she resists your efforts.