Should the wife prompt sex, or must the guy always do it?

Question

Quick background - been married 7 years. Sex life is boring. Wife will have sex, but must be asked - it is never spontaneous. She isn't ever in the mood - and I am certain she is not cheating. I think she simply has a low sex drive and has sex just for my benefit. And yes, I give oral (for a long time - I enjoy giving oral).

It is impacting me - I want a more enjoyable sex life but would prefer not to stray in order to get that. I am really not satisfied, and she is defensive when I raise the subject. Any suggestions?

As a followup, I am an average guy - not a super model but fairly attractive. I do try and spice it up. Other women are interested in me, but so far I have remained faithful.

The sex has never been "porn star" sex - another detail left out is two children. One is four and the other is one. Prior to children, sex was just OK (never great). After children, life has been more hectic. She just can't focus. In fact, some times when I am trying to have sex she starts talking about where the best schools are and all kinds of stuff related to the children. She just can't focus.

Seriously, I think she has a very low sex drive.

OK, more details are needed apparently ;-)

We have a drawer full of toys. Truthfully, she does not like the vibrator. She becomes "numb" after some time. We have made an effort - the bottom line here is that she has a low sex drive, it seems.

I am 100% certain she is not cheating. I thought she was, so I did some snooping. I am certain she is not.

Answer 1

Yes, in a normal and healthy sexual relationship, both people should genuinely want it, and that would naturally mean that both would initiate sex at different times.
There are several factors here that need to be considered. You say she has ALWAYS had a low sex drive. Not everyone is a nymphomaniac, and the trials of life and marriage get to us all at times, but having an abnormally low sex drive ALL THE TIME is not normal for any human being, male or female. Some things that could cause this are physical, but for the most part it is mental or emotional issues. Has she been on any long term meds that may cause it, like antideppressants? Or was she maybe abused as a child or in a previous relationship?
For women, sex is mostly emotional. If there is any reason that she cannot allow herself to have that emotional connection with you, then I don't care how long you give oral-it's not gonna do it. It could be trust issues, due to something that happened to her before you met.
If this was a problem that developed recently, it would be different altogether. But you say that she has never seemed to enjoy sex. This means that whatever causes it, it is deeply ingrained for her not to have overcome it by now. It also means that you married her anyway, knowing that she wasn't the freaky little thing you are hoping for now. Whatever it is-don't stray, and don't give up on her. It's something that can be fixed, and you sound like you love her. She's having sex with you even though she doesn't want it, which is testimony to the fact that she's willing to try, and that she does love you and want to please you.
The only thing that's going to improve this is communication. Talk to her about your concerns, not your needs, because that is what she's probably defensive about. You should want her to enjoy sex because you care, not tell her that she's boring you and leaving you "not really satisfied" because she's not enthusiastic. How do you think SHE feels to never want or enjoy a basic human need and desire?
Explore the physical possibilities first. Encourage her to see a doctor to rule out any medical causes. If this is not the issue, then counseling probably will be necessary. I hate to say that, because it's what everyone suggests here for any marital difficulty-but in this case, I'm joining in with that suggestion. If she has an emotional issue that keeps her from being intimate, then it's the only way to get to the root of it and get any help.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to approach this with a caring attitude. Make it an issue of your concern for HER happiness and satisfaction instead of anything she could construe as a selfish or unsympathetic motive, and she will be much more likely to be receptive.

Answer 2

There are physical/medical conditions that can lower a woman's sex drive. She should see her gynecologist and tell him/her about her low sex drive.

She's also probably tired from taking care of the house and kids. And if she has an outside job on top of that, it's no wonder she's too tired. (If being tired is what's wrong.)

Communication is a must. Talk to her and ask her if she'll talk to her gynecologist. If he/she gives her the all-clear, maybe she has some past trauma or something. Like rape or being molested as a child. For this, obviously, she would have to see a therapist.

Just please be very sensitive to whatever condition she has, be supportive and, for heaven's sake, do not cheat.

Answer 3

Yes, I am a divorced woman but it was the oppisite for me he was the one w/low sex drive. At first it was good and then went down hill from there, I thought it was I who might have the problem but it turned out it was he who felt he didn't want sex. I asked alot of questions and to my surprise he felt he was n ot educated enough to fulfill my needs, it took some time but I taught him what I needed and he taught about what he needed. our divorce was not related to the sex issue but other matters.
Maybe she feels inadiquate and needs some coaching. Have you asked why she feels the way she does? Have you tried to be understanding and comforting when she feels like sex is an issue or it's a chore? Do you try to make her feel special and really cared about. Work on some the emotional issues first and the rest will fall into place.

Answer 4

You could try seeing a therapist. A sex therapist or just a regular one. Has it always been boring? Or, just after marriage? Some women just don't like sex. If she's taking any meds, that could cause a low sex drive. Try to talk about it without an attitude [not saying you were] Just be nonchalant about it, like "hey hun, just wondering, have you ever thought about doing something new in bed? Maybe, a game or something could be fun." Or, ask about her fantasies. [if she has any] If that doesn't work, it could be something deeper than just not wanting to have sex, maybe she gained a little weight and feels self conscious. Something like that. But, like I said, a therapist could really help. She could talk to him/her and feel like she wasn't being judged. Cause they'll probally talk to you and her separately then together. Also, if you seen a sex therapist, she would give you "homework" to do, to slowly get your wife more open to sex. Good luck!

Answer 5

"Should" is tough... she should not feel like it's against any rules to initiate sex but it may or may not be natural or easy for her. I was with my guy for over a year before I finally started doing that. He loved it, but I hadn't known without trying. I could spend an hour answering this question... because there are so many factors. Instead I'll only say: 1 - You may need to think about how you approach sex and how you make her feel... in other words, do you excite her or do you guilt her into performing? and 2 - talk to a counsellor together.

Answer 6

I could be the wife in this situation (married 13 years). All I can say is that I am bored with the way he does things - the same thing every time. Every once in a while he will come up with a plan for something naughty, dangerous or even fun but it never pans out. I don't think straying is going to help. Have you tried toys? Sometimes, those kinda get me going and I think he gets a kick out of it sometimes.......
Good luck

Answer 7

If she won't talk about she may already know she has a problem and is embarrassed about it. You should try spicing it up a bit yourself. Surprise her with something new. If you are usually soft and sweet be rough and taking. Just do what you can to get her into the mood. Make her see sex doesn't have to be the same things over and over there are many different positions and games to make sex more enjoyable for everyone.

Answer 8

Its not cheating if everyone in the situation is okay with it, its called an open relationship. However, for most people it doesn't work out because it can get very complicated. For example, keeping emotion out of it would be hard! If your wife is feeling guilty about her behavior she needs to address that, not try to push you into the same situation. If it back-fires, and its likely, she may end up trying to use it against you, especially if you or the other woman develop more feelings.

Answer 9

Try the following.
It really difficult but it usually works.
Don't ive her any sex for two months.
Kiss her and hold her in your arms but no more unlees SHE makes the first move.
Don't tell her how long it's going to last but if she asks, AND ONLY IF SHE ASKS, telll her you won't make love to her unless she starts first.
(Please excuse the following crassness)
If by the end of two months, she hasn't ripped your pants off and taken you, stuck your head down her pants and demanded a good lickin', or at the very least begged you to 'take her'. then you gotta think long and hard about your marriage.
There's much more to marriage than sex and you sound like you love her but, sorry, without a spicy sex life, your marriage is not going to last.
Don't cheat on her because even if she forgives you or doesn't find out, you will hate yourself for ever.

Answer 10

how tired is she? Does she have a full time job ? if so does she get help around the house. I know that I just go to sleep alto because I am so so tired. I work all the time. And I wake up at 4 am every day and on my days off I still wake up at about five so I am still tired. I think sometimes that women just get tired, because let me tell you the last thing that I would want to do is find the energy to cheat so its not that.