The World is Quiet Now
The bombs start falling
The enemy is calling
Rage fills the air
Tears become a blare
One by one they perish
Mother, father, child, whom we cherish
The corage brouth out
From the soldiers with doubt
And slowly they win
With prayers from within
The birds begin to sound
The war at final round
Peace Begins to shutter
Soon there is but an utter
Everyone stands, proud to be
SO many dead ones they see
One or more may have fell
But the others brave and well
Silently they think "how"
The answer; the world is quiet now
2007-01-01 12:40:25 · 7 answers · asked by Iceprincess28 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Overall well done. Tears cannot become a blare - they become a blur.
The courage brought out
From soldiers with doubt is particularly well done.
One or more may have fallen - not fell
I would concentrate on saying what you mean rather than on trying to make it rhyme. I would also suggest that you make paragraphs as the message is a strong one that can become lost as there is no break or emphasis.
Good luck.
2007-01-01 12:50:43 · answer #1 · answered by D N 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly?
well....what does this mean? the corage brouth out?
And the rhyming thing? Umm, too much...it takes away from meaning of the poem. Reading it, I lost the feeling in the constant rhyme. Its an uncomfortable, forced type of meter...and that ruins the beauty of what you could say. You've obviously taken something you feel very strongly, and it could be a very sad/lovely piece of work. Do you think you could save the feeling, and leave out the rhyming, and re-write it?
Sorry, honest I am...but you asked for honesty....
2007-01-01 13:53:31 · answer #2 · answered by aidan402 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've actually got a decent grasp of form. I'd agree with the above poster who said don't worry so much about rhyming, because the rhymes sound a bit forced at times; I do, however, recommend looking into poetic form seriously before attempting nonrhyming poetry. It gets hard to keep it from just becoming a mess.
Overall, though, quite good.
2007-01-01 13:04:03 · answer #3 · answered by angk 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Every single word in poetry is of great import. You have to spell correctly or we can't read your intent. And I wonder if Peace begins to "shudder"? Shutter is a part of a window.
You just have to pay attention to your images and find the proper words to transmit them to your readers. Keep working on it. Nothing easy about writing poetry.
2007-01-01 13:22:34 · answer #4 · answered by sammy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think u are very talented. Its a topic everyone can understand and relate to right now. Keep writing.
2007-01-01 12:53:27 · answer #5 · answered by Sweet T 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it. it's vivid and flows well. but you need to correct some spelling...such as "courage"
2007-01-01 12:48:49 · answer #6 · answered by julka323 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh my god.
You're so good!!!!!!!
2007-01-01 12:49:45 · answer #7 · answered by King Kee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋