He cheated on me 1 year and half ago and I decided to give our marriage another try. We've been in serious arguments but our love was always there for each other. I really feel like his cheating won't ever happen again. He told me that he regrets doing it and I believe him. This man works 2 jobs just so that I can stay home with our children and he tries to gives me anything I want.
Lately things have been going so well for us I'm almost scared. We are communicating like never before and our sex life is off the radar! He's sweet talking me like crazy and I love it.
I'm just scared of that saying once a cheater always a cheater. We've been together 11 yrs. married 8yrs. i admit we were going through alot of arguing during the time of the affair but he said he's not gonna make excuses for what he did and that it was stupid. Am I doing the right thing or just setting myself up for another heartache?
Give me your opinions.
2007-01-01 10:56:48 · 47 answers · asked by strawberry 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I get so tired of hearing uneducated people saying 'once a cheater always a cheater'. Humans are intelligent beings. We learn. When we do something that we truly regret, we learn from that behaviour and use it to make our lives better- ie; he cheated, he regrets it, he will never do it again.
You are doing the right thing. If your husband did not want your marriage to work, he would have gotten out when he had the chance, but he didn't, and it sounds like he's making things right.
There are no guarantees in life, but you can look at it this way: those who have never cheated, have never had to go through the trial and live with themselves after it happens- they still do not know what would happen if they were put under the stress or had to deal with whatever issue it was that made the person cheat, hence there is no guarantee they won't cheat. Those who have gone through it and truly regret it, know the nauseating feeling of living with that guilt and shame- they have a basis to draw on and knowledge of what to look for the next time- the warning signs etc. In all actuality, I believe that your "guarantee" is stronger with someone who has cheated than it is with someone who hasn't, because when they have, they will typically learn the lesson (unless they are utter complete idiots) and never want that kind of energy in their life again.
Good luck- you're on the right track.
2007-01-01 11:08:01 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
(We) Men are funny. Yeah, he works 2 jobs so you don't have to work at all... but at the same time could secretly (at times) regret you for it. He busts his butt so OCCASSIONALY may feel as though he "deserves" this (cheating with another woman). So, I don't mean to say "once a cheater always a cheater", but I do feel it's possible it could happen again. His sweet talk right now is great, and I'm glad he's treating you right and loving you the way you should be loved (get it girl!). But Chris Rock said it best: "A man is basically as faithful as his options". The woman he cheated with before his obviously out of his life now. But who's to say another willing mistress might not meet his acquaintance over the next few months, or years - on the street or at one of those TWO JOBS? It could happen. You could also live by this famous quote: "I never did mind the little things." Not that cheating is a little thing, but as long as he treats you like a Queen and takes care of his house and kids FIRST, then you might just turn the other cheek, accept him as a man, and assume he might stray from time to time. I just hope he does not give you some disease, and I hope your own relationship continues to prosper (especially the sex part - yeah get it girl!)
2007-01-01 11:04:01 · answer #2 · answered by gabound75 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Things are going well now according to your post, yet the stain of that wrong has been done, and a transgression like that will likely always leave a mark. It's something that the two of you will always have to cope with, no matter how well things are going for you at the moment. Everytime a small argument pops up, the possibility that this very subject will pop into your mind is very high.
This is really something that no one's opinion on whether you did the right thing by taking them back will really have any bearing. You should really be asking yourself if you think that the relationship that the two of you have is strong enough to deal with this sort of thing, and if each of you are strong enough individually to cope with it and move past it.
People do change, and I don't really believe in that 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. If things are going well now, see how they continue going...but the next time you're cheated on..you should move along.
2007-01-01 11:03:32 · answer #3 · answered by somewherein72 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have been married for almost 7 yrs. we had are ups and downs, and almost got a divorce, and in between that time there was a affair he had with someone I never liked in the first place. That was over two years ago, and we are thinking of planning a second child soon. Sex is sex, I would be more worried if he were going out with the guys all of the time etc., which shows he is emotionally cheating on you and in my opinion more detrimental to a marriage/relationship. I don't mean to say that cheating is good, I just want to get across that for guys it really is just sex, but for us women it will Always be more, therefore we will Always react.
2007-01-01 11:03:50 · answer #4 · answered by cateyes 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You always take a chance in a relationship no matter how strong it is. You have to set your heart out on the line. You ask, are you setting yourself up? First of all he has broken trust. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship and by having sex with another girl is the biggest way to break trust. You must forgive him if you want the relationship to survive. It can be done. He is not ifalible and he can do it again. You will have to set paramaters in your relationship now. He must be accoutable to you. Studies say that your future relationship can survive but it will take more work and some professional counseling. He has committed the most serious offence against you. You are not stupid for taking him back but there needs to be more accoutability and yes you maybe setting yourself up but you will have to take that chance if you want it to survive. If he does it again then he needs serious help and you might want to call it off. I would suggest that the both of you go to marriage counseling.
2007-01-01 11:08:45 · answer #5 · answered by G mon 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, I don't think anyone can anwer that for you, really. But I can give you my experience. I have taken a cheater back before and not only could I never REALLY feel secure in our relationship again, he did cheat on me for a second time. I didn't have a good experience with that, but it made me stronger and now I am married to a wonderful man whom I trust completely.
My best advice is to look at whether or not you can really trust him again. If you are asking strangers opinions, my guess is that you don't fully trust him yet. So figure out how much you want to invest in your marriage. Is it worth it to chance another heartbreak or is he man enough to get into couseling with you and take your commitment seriously this time?
Just keep in mind that you two not only have to work through his cheating, but also how you feel about it and how you are going to cope with. If you can't learn to trust him again (and that's not your fault - it's his) then, your marriage is more than likely dead in the water.
2007-01-01 11:06:46 · answer #6 · answered by jkaaz101406 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Once a cheater always a cheater is not correct. You both love and live together for years. In the life there are always ups and downs, there are arguments and compromises. Actually I think marriage itself is compromise between the individuals to lead a social life. In spite of differences you should continue to live together and show your love for each other. Express this love to your partner and tell them that you have complete faith in him. It will give him a better feeling and he will not cheat you again.
2007-01-01 11:09:33 · answer #7 · answered by Pramod 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm afraid that my opinion probably wont help you much. I believe in the saying "Once a cheater,...." but you dont need strangers telling you what to do or think.
If you think or are afraid that he may cheat again, dont accuse him but talk to him about it. Was it a one time thing or did it happen over the course of a few months??
Either way, this is a second chance for the both of you to make things work. Especially since there are children involved. With children involved, you have to try to work it out.
Communtication is the best in a situation like this. Try talking to him or if you cant voice it, write a letter and leave it for him to find. That might help.
Good luck!!
2007-01-01 11:02:54 · answer #8 · answered by sweetthang16_2004 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
PLEASE READ
I'm not sure what kind of responses you will get from the question but I'm sure it will be a mix. But if you need a true and helpful answer I will give you the want you need and want.
I have been married for 14 1/2 years. Exactly 1 1/2 years ago I cheated on my wife. Our relationship was not the best at the time, our communication was not that good and I was going thru my mid-life crisis. I AM NOT trying to make up an excuse for what I did. There is absolutely no excuse. It was a horrible thing to do and I deeply regret it. I did not ask my wife to forgive me but she did. Our relationship since has been better than ever before! I believe by cheating there was a unique affect. She suddenly realized that I would leave her and because of this realization the communication lines opened. AGAIN I did not cheat for this affect but none the less that is what happened. By cheating I realized just how much I loved my wife and that no matter how rough the waters get I should never abandon ship. AGAIN that was not my intent by cheating but once more that was the affect.
Our marital situation was prime for one of us to do it. I honestly believe if I hadn't done it she would have eventually. As a matter of fact that was what we talked about during our reconciliation. Love can bring you together but communication will be the bond that keeps you together.
Your husband, as did I, made a terrible mistake. He admits that and he wants to rectify his mistake and it seems to me that you too are willing to get past this. Give him a chance to prove himself worthy of you as my wife did for me. BY THE WAY ... I was not caught cheating, I confessed it to my wife in a private way. She was devistated and I understood that. I gave her time to get past the emotional pain of what I did, not saying anything at all for more than a year when she threw it in my face over and over. I deserved that. One day she actually said she was sorry or doing that and I said, "I can not accept your appology because you do not have anything to appologize for."
I made a terrible mistake. My wife allowed me to stay with her and to try to get beyond those terrible days. Eventually we were not only back to loving each other but we were more loving and communicated better.
There will never be a day that I won't regret what I did. Maybe that's a good thing. It keeps me honest, it keeps me faithful, it keeps me in love with my beautiful and wonderful wife. Give your husband at least the chance to continue to love you and prove his worth to you. It sounds like he is really trying hard,as I did, to pick up the pieces and move on. You SHOULD give him a second chance and you should be proud of yourself and him for working hard to keep your relationship alive and filled with love.
Once a cheater always a cheater? NO! Not always. Yes some men will continue to cheat but a love that's worth dying for is a love that's worthy of a second chance. Let your husband know you love him and acknowledge his strength and fortitude for standing up to face what he has done. Do not end a great marriage for this mistake. A third chance? Absolutely not. but YES please give him a second chance. The life you have after this will be up to the both of you to keep strong and it sounds like you are both doing a good job of keeping your relationship alive and thriving and filled with love.
Whether or not you chose my answer as best does not matter to me. It would obviously not matter to me if I recieved 2 points for I would not have given you such a detailed answer for just 2 points. I want you to look back on this one day and be thankful that you two are still together and growing old with one another.
Good luck to the both of you.
2007-01-01 11:27:44 · answer #9 · answered by Average Joe 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like he regrets what he did. I don't always believe in once a cheater, always. It depends on the person. I'm not justifying it, but when you are truly unhappy, it's a cry for help. Try not to think about what he did. You will always have your radar on.... Good luck and all the best.
2007-01-01 13:01:36 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋