how to treat the inlaws...?

Question

i am about to begin the process of a divorce, to a man i married after knowing all of two weeks. we had a quicky court house marriage and it was his demand that no one knew...eventually he kicked me out and i gave birth to his son...i felt it only right to contact his parents and tell them everything. well now that my son is four months old they send holiday cards and even christmas presents this year- despite their son they are very nice people from what i gather, though i have never and will never meet them.
i wonder how i should correspond with them now that it's assured he and i will never come back to our marriage, do i write friendly or informal letters? do i send only on special occasions? how to i address them, sir and ma'am or more casually? do i still sign my name with their son's last name? i am trying to be as sensitive as possible but keep them around for my son's sake, every child needs family. even distant grandparents right?

i do send thank you notes always, and also contacted his great grandparents and extended family to notify them of the baby's birth. he is NOT close with them at all, he hasn't spoken with them in over three years. i have more contact with them as it stands than he, but is it right to continue such close contact after the divorce? they don't owe me any kindness

Answer 1

You sound like such a mature, loving and gentle spirit as well as a very concerned and loving parent. It is to your credit you are so willing to share your child with these people who you do not know or have no relationship with. Your son is a lucky child to have such a loving and concerned parent. He will do well in this life even without the presense of his father.

You are very right when you said it was important for a child to have grandparents in life, even distant ones. Life is difficult enough without depriving a child of those who would love him deeply. If they are sending cards and gifts then they are very interested in their grandchild and would probably be delighted to any and all correspondance you wish to provide them, in addition to any opportunities in the future to see him in the flesh so to speak. It is commendable you wish to provide your child a large and as loving as possible an extended family. Even distant ones can make a huge difference. Life is such that all we have who love us is each a gift, not to be cast aside causually or in haste.

As a grandparent I worry, am deeply concerned over the fact my two sons could get a woman with child who would then not allow me or the child's grandfather to spend time or know the child. I do not doubt my sons' ability to be good father's,just that the young sometimes make hasty choices which could result in a woman who became bitter and denied our contact with the child. I am not saying you are that sort of woman, only that there are, in reality, and in all saddness, many who would and do behave in such infatile and immature manners, not thinking of the wellfare of the child, but only of her own needs and feelings.

As adults we have to do what is right for our children, and often what is right can be the most difficult and hard thing to do. Those who take the easy way out do so due to low maturity levels, and a strong tendency towards selfishness. However, you sound a good hearted woman, who does take into consideration her child's needs over her own. That is what makes a mother a "good" mother; when, within a lifetime of choices we make the hard but right choices, and try hard to overcome the mistakes we all will make.

My family has a simular situation only just a bit different. My mother bore a child out of wedlock over forty five years ago, by a married man. She absolved the man of his responsibilites, yet he requested she send him regular updates of his son, and photos each years as she saw fit. When my brother was old enough he was told of his birth father and family, and he was able to meet both his father and siblings by him before his father passed away. It worked for the all who were concerned for my brother and who bore him love.

Your situation is a a bit different, but the theory is very much simular. I honestly believe if you follow your heart and do what is in your son's interest and not any adults then you will have done well by him. If these people are good folks then they will be a good influance and possibly a loving presense in his life which could otherwise be isolated to just you as his primary parent and sole custodian. Love is a beautiful gift and there is enough to go around to all who wish to share in it. There is not any bounderies but those we place with love either. If you reach out to these folks and determine they are not a presense which would injure or cause harm to your son, but instead bring an extra layer of love and acceptance, then that is a wonderfull situation. However, if these folks have deep emotional problems, or other problems which would iimpact your son in a negitive manner then I would strongly suggest keeping things very much to a mimimum.

However, if these folks are, in your opinion, people who would bring an extra degree of love into your son's life, then I think it very appropriate to send monthly photos, (as a child his age grows and changes so quickly) and a short but detailed letter of how he is doing, when his first smile was, first word, first step, solid foods, etc. As he grows these can become quarterly incidents, spread out so they can share in his growth and activities. I, as a grandparent would be thrilled with this type of news and visuals of a quickly growing grandchild I was unable to spend much time with.

As you send these nice and generous missives you will get a feel for how these folks are, who they may be, and if they deserve invitations to first or any birthdays and other major events in his life. If you get a strong feeling that they are a loving and positive presense in his life, then you will feel very gratified you have kept up the lines of communication. Who knows what this will bring to you and your son's lives in the future. Life is diffiucult at best and we all can use a deal more compassion and love towards ourselves and those around us.

Bless you for thinking of how these people may be feeling and how important family is to children. I do believe you and your son will do very well in life and I highly regard you for what you are attempting to do. Please remember that the best of parents can still not be enough for some children to turn our well. I see you are not being hasty in this, and are being the cautious mother you should be. It IS true though that very good parents can still have a child who just does not do well in life for whatever reason.

I wish you and your child much health and happiness and a very wonderfull New Year, and life together.

P.S. I read your additional comments. You are right, they do not "owe" you any kindness, however, they do "owe" you some consideration as the mother of their grandchild. As your relationship with them grows, and I do believe it will, you will show them that you deserve respect as well. Respect is something we earn, not something owed, and that will have to grow over time. I honestly believe you due the same condieration you are providing them at this moment. As to not sending thank you notes each time they send something, that is wrong, it should be acknowleged when they send something. A very short thank you note is appropriate, but silence is not. Good luck and much happiness and joy for you and your son.

Answer 2

Your right every child needs a family and your reasons for branching out to the grandparents was a sincere thing to do.

Keep it real girl!
All that moral support you can get is good for you right now.
The thing about grandparents are.... because of their age they bring a TRUTH to their own life experience. They raised a son and that is it. How he turned out might be a reflection of them but that's only in perception. They have changed your perception by sending you a holiday card which was nice of them.

Keep it real! Keep the lines of communication open. Keep things informal until you meet them. Then you will get another impression about who they are as people.

What your doing is bringing LIGHT, goodness, something pure and innocent to them. Its speaks more about the kind of person you are. I'm sure they get it because their responding and ...... open.

I see you visiting them soon- grandparents love grandkids,
family lineage.

Congratulations! It most be tough trying to raise your child and put your own life into perspective. Good luck :).

Answer 3

I just ended a 19 yr marriage and I have 4 kids. Do they have access to the internet?? If you are uncomfortable with writing to them you can always start a blog. That way that side of the family as well as yours can check at their convience and watch your son grow. But by all means regardless of what your ex says..do keep in touch!!!! As long as you can trust them and get along with them...send them pictures and letters at least every 2-3 weeks. When your son gets older have him color pictures..even the scribble ones!!! and mail it to them. When my kids were your son's age..at 4 months...I would do their handprints or footprints and mail it off. Any little bit means a BIG lot to the grandparents!!! Be friendly...let them know you are open to a relationship with them...that is if you are. If you went back to your maiden name then yes you do sign your letters with your maiden name. Let me know if you need more help! I have been there and done that. You get two thumbs up for doing this for your son's and his grandparents!!! Hugs!!

Answer 4

I actually think that this is a good relationship, they probably know how the son was, and understand you, the best thing I would suggest is ask them just how close they want to be with their grandchild, would they like to visit? be invited to parites? sir and maam are good ways to call them I guess since you are not close to them. They obviously do want to be part of the child' life they are probably just as unsure about the situation as you are, be the icebreaker and ask how they would feel comfortable with the relationship. I hope things work out for the best. good luck :)

Answer 5

It is their grandchild and I would imagine they would like to keep in touch. I would periodically send pictures of your son to them with a friendly note. Do they sign their correspondence with their first names? Then you can respond in like. Or you can send it to Grandpa and Grandma as if your son were sending it. If you are using your maiden name then that is how you should sign things, if using the married name, then you should use that. I would definately keep up with them - even if their son seems to be a jerk.

Answer 6

Yes, you are right. I am so glad you're going to let them be a part of his life. You can call them by their first names. You should only use your husbands last name if it's still legally your last name. When you change it, then use your maiden name. It's great that they love your son, even though they don't know him. Maybe you can send them videos so they can really see your son as he start to grow.

Answer 7

Treat them as friends until they deserve different. After all it is thier grandchild. You can write them and e-mail them and maybe if they stay on the good side send them a pic when you get some. They can't control how their son acts and they may love their son but they don't have to love what he does.

Answer 8

They can not help the way their son has treated you. I think the fact that they sent you a card and presents for their grandson means that they would like to share in his life.Don't deny them that, he is their grandson after all. I would send them a thank-you note from yourself and your son. Call them by their first names, sir or ma'am is far too formal. Send a photo of their grandson and invite them to share in his life. Give them the choice, l know if it was me l would like to know how he is doing. You do not have to be great mates with them but if they want to be part of his life then l would send them short notes from time to time, keeping them updated with his progress and also photo's. If he was my grandson l would hate it if l was not part of his life and l would also want him to know who l was and that l loved him. Hope this helped. Happy New Year..................................................................I just read your adds. You may not feel that they owe you any kindness but perhaps they are trying to make up for the way their son has treated you. That is very polite of them and l feel you should give them credit for that. They sound like nice people and l think they have earned the right to be called nan and pa and allowed to share in your sons life. Good luck

Answer 9

first and for most your right every child needs as many people to love them as possible and as long as they are kind and respectful there is nothing wrong with them knowing their grandson they are no longer responsible for their adult sons actions and it does seem like they do want to know your son
there is nothing wrong with writing friendly letters that have to do with your son tell them how he is growing send photos talk about his development and how he enjoys the items they send it does not need to be about you other then comments like "oh he is doing well i took him to the park and he just loves being out side seeing the people etc" your letters can be signed with your name and your sons no last name needed and on the front to be cutesy you can put from MR. your sons name so its like him who send it grandparents get a kick out of that as for how often you can on holidays and maybe when you have pics to send so every 3 to 6 months but the letters don't all ways have to be long it can be simple like i thought you might enjoy these hope your doing well bye! and on the back of photos put where he was at and how old he was and as for meeting them one day it will come up rest assured they will want to see him and please don't put your feelings before your sons some of my favorite pictures are of me in my grandparents lap but make it on your terms like they come to you and at first meet in neutral places in your area park zoo restaurants and know if you are kind and don't cut them out and don't hold against them their sons bad judgment then they will be grateful for anything they just want to be there for your son and for that he will be only a better person and you will be showing a good example to him as well.

Answer 10

Just be yourself honey.When writing or thanking, be gracious. Yes, use their sons last name, that is your name, isn't it ? Keep in touch with them, like you would a friend. Send them pictures. Treat them with respect , they love that baby sight unseen and they are not responsible for their adult sons actions. Your letter indicates to me that you want to do the right thing. I say again "Be yourself and be a good Mother"" God Bless You !!

Answer 11

I don't see how it would hurt to establish the relationship for the sake of your son. I sure would not want it held against me for what my family members might do. I am sure they want to see their grandson. I would address them as Grandpa and Grandma and I would sign the last name that was on my drivers license. Hope that helps....