We've been almost 4 years together, and we fight a lot because in a lot of situations it's like it's ok for him but not for me. I struggle for us to be equals and for my feelings to matter too. Everytime i feel sad about him being nasty to me, it ends up being my fault for nagging him with my sadness, and i'm not the kind that cries just for manipulation, i actually feel bad. I've been noticing that he doesn't really enjoy doing things with me, and that it's not important to him if he sees me or not, i tried to talk to him about it but he told me i was nagging him and that if i wanted him to love me i should earn it, and if i don't like the way he treats me that i should leave.I think he's acting the way his parents treat him, he's told me that he wants to have a 'team' thing going on in his house but that his parents don't cooperate, that he's not asking them to do what he says, but that he wants fairness. He seems to understand the concept but when i ask it of him, he refuses.
2007-01-01 08:54:59 · 7 answers · asked by jade 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
So i don't really know what to do, i know he understands how i feel, but it's like he doesn't care, he only cares when it's about him. When he goes on and on about why his parents are like this i tell him the same anwers he gives to me when i ask the same thing to him, and he agrees that's just stupid behavior. I don't know what to do, at other times he says he really loves me and that's why he spends every day with me. Right now the last thing that happened was his hanging up on me because i was talking about all this and he got tired of the sound of my voice! i don't like being treated like crap... how can i make him understand? or if he plain out doesn't want to be with me anymore why did he recently say he did?
2007-01-01 08:58:54 · update #1
"When he goes on and on about why his parents are like this i tell him the same anwers he gives to me when i ask the same thing to him, and he agrees that's just stupid behavior. "
The exact same answer is for you too dear. You accept this idea as being a "healthy" relationship by your own upbringing. Something about It feels comfortable to you because the experience seems so familiar.
You will not ever be able to change him into what you want. Most women want a project to make into thier dream-guy. The reality is that what they first see is what they will end up with. You indicate he acts just like his parents.... they are at least 20 years older and they still don't act any different so don't count on time making an improvement in him either. A change in his behavior will only happen if he percieves a need to change. If you are going to be his girlfriend the way he acts now then why should he change? He's got you anyway so where is the incentive?
Choose better is the best way to get a better outcome. You have dated for 4 years and you sound young. In that 4 years each of you could have transitioned into people that have completely different likes and dislikes. Time to move on. If you are hanging around because you have invested a lot of time in this guy and you will feel like you lost a lot then think of this... Which is better 4 years lost or 4 yrs and 1 day, 4 yrs and 6 months, 5 years???? I would recommend stepping away from the situation and see it from a distance then the answer will become crystal clear to you.
That is the main reason for telling young people to wait and not marry real young because you have an adult body...not an adult mind. Both of you are still evolving. If this is what you want your children to learn because they WILL learn it watching you two fight, then this is the guy for you. If you want a healthier relationship then find someone who wants to live one too.
If you want to learn why you choose a man with these traits, here is a paperback book to read. It may open your eyes to your own behavior:
"Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples" by Harville Hendrix
2007-01-01 10:44:17 · answer #1 · answered by Bob 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Now, I'm not sure how old you two are but if you are under the age of let's say.... 25 this is how it goes. Most men ARE selfish under this age and they don't really truly care about the person they are with a lot of the time. They are more concerned with their own personal "wants and needs" and you are just the person supplying them with those needs. Now, your situation is a little different since you've been together for so long. However, same deal. Most guys are still not very cooperative and if you keep asking him and he refuses, then it's obvious he doesn't want to make the effort. The stuff about him acting the way he's been treated by his family, I don't buy it. Every person can be their own mentor and guidance and to blame it on others is lazy. I say leave him because if he truly cared about you A LOT he would never say "if you want me to love you, you should earn it". That right there is automatic grounds for dismissal. There is someone out there who will treat you better, you just need to find him. You don't need this guy.
Good luck in your future
2007-01-01 09:05:41 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's given you the ultimatum so you should leave. The way he treats you, the fighting, his nastiness and selfishness toward you, you're just not important to him any longer. You haven't been for quite some time. It's as plain as day he wants you out of his life. To remain in this one sided relationship will only further your anguish. It's run it's course and it's worn itself out. The best thing for you to do is to go your separate way because you're never going to be happy with him, ever. Why would you want to cause yourself any further grief? You don't deserve it and It's just not worth it. You must have known for sometime now that this was going to happen. This guy is has no feelings for you. It's all about him. He is all wrapped up in his own little world in which you are no longer a part of. So stop beating yourself up. Make the break and start a new and decent life for yourself.
2007-01-01 09:30:34 · answer #3 · answered by quantumview 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A relationship is a 2 way street. Both parties give and take. Now you're getting an idea that maybe he's not right for you....especially for marriage. You "earning" his love is stupid. Although you and him have been together for 4 years......it's getting obvious to you he's not what you want in a husband, and that you and him are incompatible. So my advice to you is to find someone that would appreciate you, and treat you like you deserve to be treated. Kick this dude to the curb. He's had his chance, and he didn't pass the test. Move on girl, and I wish you the best of luck.
2007-01-01 09:08:45 · answer #4 · answered by cajunrescuemedic 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should break up with him. Showing love *sometimes* is unacceptable. If he really loved you, he wouldn't say stuff like that to you. Loving someone doesn't mean telling them to go by your rules, or leave. That's just what you call being a jerk and wasting time. You're so much better than that and could do much better than someone who acts like a baby and tells you to leave when he doesn't have his way.
He's shown his maturity level, and I'm not impressed. He's wasting your time. Move on with your life. Find someone that actually cares about your feelings. Find someone that isn't selfish. Good luck!
2007-01-01 11:05:23 · answer #5 · answered by Abby 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's not worth it.
This guy cares more about himself to realize when he's a jerk to other people.
I say, he either has way too much on his mind and he needs to settle things out, or he's just a jerk. Either way you should get out of the relationship.
Some people just need time, some just aren't worth it. Two good reasons to end it now. Sorry girl, you should break it off.
I hope everything works out, and I hope that you find your own Orlando Bloom that will be the perfect boyfriend! :) Good luck girl!
2007-01-01 09:05:11 · answer #6 · answered by kitties_n_llamas(Becca) 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I were you I'd break up with him. Lets face it some guys are a**es. They are very selfish and only truly care about themselves. Then you never know breaking up with him might fix the problem and then you can get back together and have a good relationship.
2007-01-01 09:26:16 · answer #7 · answered by lil sis 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋