My husband is being critical of what he thinks, is a non-existent sex life. What to do?

Question

My husband has hurt me emotionally. He is always bringing up my past, which was wild, and saying things like "They got all the good stuff but I get the old lady" He claims we don't have a sex life like HE WOULD LIKE. He wants things like constant oral sex, wants to try anal sex and wants me to, well let's just say FINISH the JOB orally. I feel he is being very insulting and making me feel like a WHORE!! I have colitis so many times I cannot be available all the time for sex so he feels I should during those times, provide him with oral sex. I am very upset and hurt with his comments and feel like I don't know him anymore. NO, I feel he is FAITHFUL, he is HOME every night except for when he is working his two jobs Because we were financially drowning in debt and now we need to try and get back our credit. What do you think I should do, say, etc. about these comments? I have told him making love is just about the sexual aspects of it, it's also about caressing, etc.

Answer 1

Well first off I think that you need to let him know that you are his wife and not a sex toy and that it's not right for him to be making remarks like "they got all the good stuff" that alone is treating you as if you were a loose woman, and you need to say hey, I'm your wife, you knew about my past when you married me, and you should tell him that you try what you can to satisfy him, and if he's not satisfied even with what you try then maybe the problem isn't you, that it's him. On another note you could just try other sexual ways to satisfy him AND you, but only to where you are comfortable also, look up on website fir different positions, tips for oral sex or anal, etc.

Answer 2

Ouch! Sounds as if one of you is pretty selfish, and I don't, somehow, feel that it's you.

First of all, your husband needs to realize that intimacy is a lot more than just sex. It's also talking, sharing, and having a relationship that's working well in other areas outside the bedroom.

He also needs to let go of the past. Is his so spotless that he can afford to throw stones? I kind of doubt it.

You seem to have a hangup over certain sexual practices, and the way to overcome them is NOT by having your mate demand them (and I doubt that someone with colitis would be very interested in anal sex anyway).

Now, what I have to say may shock you, but I'm a very conservative woman myself, and it's just as simple as this: you need not feel as if oral sex (or even anal sex) is some dirty, hideous thing. When two people are married, pretty much anything is okay AS LONG AS BOTH PARTIES ARE IN AGREEMENT CONCERNING IT!!!

I'd recommend three books for you and your husband to read together. The first two are His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters, both by Willard Harley. The third is Becoming One, by Joe Beam.

I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I will tell you that all three of these books are Biblically based and contain outstanding information on the relationship of a husband and wife. The church my husband and I attend, in fact, offers courses in which these books are used, and I can say from experience that the courses have helped our marriage improve a great deal. If, for whatever reason, you are unable to take the courses, the books are still EXTREMELY helpful.

Good luck, and I hope you and your spouse can come to some sort of accomodation that will work well for BOTH of you.

Peace and love!

Answer 3

This is a really dificult situation, given that we only get one side of the story. I understand "female" problems in regards to intimacy. But I also know that the main reason most guys want oral sex is because it's not something they get regularly. It sounds like your husband is feeling neglected, and over worked and is taking it out on you. You didn't say whether you worked at home (house & kids) or whether you worked outside the home. Either way, is there anything else that he could be upset about? Dirty house, no clean clothes, etc.? Sometimes men, instead of saying what they are really mad about, will just lash out about other things. Try to find out what's really going on with him. If it is just the sex, then here's a few things to try. First, if you are absolutely not willing to do certain things, such as the anal, tell him that is EXIT ONLY. You will not EVER do that, and he will just have to deal with it. There are some things that you will draw the line on and this is one of them. If he persists, tell him "you first". Secondly, give him oral sex when you cannot be intimate in other ways. Fulfill his needs, and even when you can be intimate, you instigate oral sex first. It's not the most enjoyable thing for a woman, but if he is working hard, and enjoys it, then try to please. As far as the "old lady" crap. He is being ugly, and you should tell him so. Tell him that you are his wife, not an "old lady", not a whore. Tell him that while you love him very much, if he insists on treating you as such, and calling you this, you would be happy to show him the difference. Tell him to grow up, and communicate with you as an adult. One last thing before I close. You need to tell him that making love for you has to start outside of the bedroom sometimes. You need to feel loved, wanted, and needed. Whether it's flirting, a love note, etc. If he wants you to be the best wife that you can be, then he will appreciate your needs, and in return, the woman he will get will be more willing and able to take care of his.

Answer 4

From your comments it would appear he married you because he knew your background. He saw you as a constant sex partner willing to do anything. If that is true he did not marry you for love.

After marriage wild and constant sex doesn't continue....at least for a woman. It should slow down but only get better if done in a loving mannor. He is treating you very much like a whore. He is mad because you don't seem to want it as much as you use to and certainly as much as he does.

To ask you to have anal sex then finish the job orally is over the top. I do hope I misunderstood you or that you don't do that. That would be a horrible way to treat you. That is a complete disregard for you and I find it hard to believe even most prostitutes would do that. I do truely hope you never do that.

He is treating you like you are a prostitute and you should never be treated that way....and you would not if he loved you.

While it is hard for a man to understand what a woman needs beside the physical part of sex he should be willing to at least listen and try to do that for you. But you have to be very explicit about what that means. When a man gets an erection his whole body is on fire and ready for action. If he keeps it in check and understands it will only get better when his partner catches up it is difficult for a man to do.

Talk to him and tell him how he has hurt you. Make sure he knows that he has. Ask him to try to make love to you instead of you doing just for him. If he loves you he must come back to center and know your are more important to him than what he can get out of you. If he just can't get there you may consider divorce......just to protect yourself. Sex can’t be very good for you this way.

Answer 5

There are 8 or so types of colitis and sub types. From what I have read most are treatable and some require a surgery. You can also change your eating habits, there have been reductions in symptoms when reducing the carbohydrate intake, lactose products, caffeine. I would try to help your situation by helping yourself and once you are better off then deal with him and your sexual relationship. Once I was better I would compromise with him and give a little and get a little, if he is not willing to do this then he not willing to have a relationship with you. I hope I was some help, Good luck.

Answer 6

Your husband is being emotionally abusive. It also sounds like he wants to humiliate you. DO NOT give in to what he wants. It will never be enough. He'll keep thinking up new and more degrading things he wants you to do. I had a friend with a husband like this. He just kept going further and further until she had absolutely no self esteem left. No matter how much she agreed to it wasn't enough for him. Giving him what he wanted never made him happy with her. He still ridiculed her and he ended up having no respect for her because she did all of those things he asked for. Where is the love. Love making is supposed to be an expression of the feelings you have for each other, not something dirty and degrading. I wish you all the best honey. Good luck.

Answer 7

I would be so mad., who does he think he is talking to a prostitute.
That anal I would not due, if he feels your not small enough without that I wouldn't be there, that is for pooping not sex. You mean he wants you to do oral sex and swallow or have that stuff in you mouth. I have weak stomach besides why not the old fashioned sex, With a a lot of foreplay. I'd leave him, you are his wife not sex object. catch some of that sperm in a cup and tell him to drink up, buddy. You need to see a atty., you can't put up with a man like that the rest of your life. It's time for you to do traveling and stop off on your way out at DIVORCE Lawyer. That is horrible way to have to live your life.

Answer 8

Tammy He does love you his comments are just out of frustration at not getting what he wants when he wants,
It come down to one thing and one thing only
Sex is two partners involved in a
(mutually consenting act ) .
If your not comfortable with the acts of love he is offering at the time then
( its your right to say no) .
tell him your into anal loving ,and yer sure Ill just go buy you one of those eight inch vibrators and Ill help you insert it in( his ) azz. as for oral some people love it and others think its just plain nasty.

Answer 9

You absolutely should not have anal sex if you have colitis. Did you and your husband get married and you were very sexual and now you aren't? If this is true I can see how never giving him any pleasure what so ever could be a problem. But if you got married with very little sexual contact he doesn't have an argument. I don't think that he should treat you like this no matter what. Tell him that his comments aren't going to get you to want to pleasure him. Let him know how much this hurts you. If he knew that he was pushing you further away he might start treating you a little more respectfully. Good luck!

Answer 10

I have read the book Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus, in the bedroom, I think that is the exact title, but seriously read this book. I got mine at a resale shop dirt cheap, but anyway, after reading the book I understand there is definately a difference in what men and women want and emotionally get from sex. It goes thru the needs of both men and women, and both sexes need sex for different reasons. I read this with my significant other and our sex life has improved. If he will read it with you great if not read it yourself it will make sense of a lot of things for you.
Good Luck.