My husband is 29 years old. He acts as if he's 79 years old by going to bed nightly around 7-8pm. M-F he gets up at 4am, so its understandable during the week. Like last year, he slept thru new year's eve and went to bed at 8pm. I'm very frustrated and contemplating a divorce. My last marriage had infidelity issues, unlike this one. I have total trust in him but I am just totally unhappy. He has no friends - no one ever calls to invite him to social gatherings, ever. He's totally boring, and seems to be okay with this. His sleeping patterns also affect our sex life, as he could care less if we have it or not. Honestly, we average maybe once a month - maybe. I don't think this is normal. We argue all the time about this and i've had enough. We have a son who is almost 1 years old and I don't want him growing up thinking this is ok. He fails to realize why not staying up last night bothered me. He doesn't have anything to do today & is off work. Am I wrong for thinking about divorce?
2007-01-01 07:56:45 · 18 answers · asked by lanafolana 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
also everyone says TALK TALK TALK - i've talk myself blue in the face to him about this subject - THERE'S been plenty of nights i've wanted just to "watch a movie" on tv late at night, and he's sleep. We also don't have that much in common - i'm black and he's white - so there's an interracial thing going on - He has ALWAYS been an early sleeper his whole life, but I think there is a difference between going to bed early and just not having any damn zest for life period. I absolutely hate our relationship and our life. and the fact that i married him actually. he's shorter than me. like 1 inch but it's a nightmare trying to find shoes and there's always that plagued idea in my head that i'm gonna "tower" him with shoes. things are so bad i literally have dreams/fantasies about having sex. the only time we've had sex like more than 1 time a week was when we were trying to reproduce...and it's not even lovemaking its more like a job...i hate it....i guess divorce is the only answer
2007-01-01 08:10:46 · update #1
STOP... No seriously, you are over-reacting and you CAN change his behavior... at least it's worth a shot for your son, right!!
OK, so go to the library and pick up 2 books... Woman Power and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.
I know it sounds like a stupid idea, but you'll understand if you just start reading a little ways in. These books have changed many lives for the better!
You have so much power, you just have to know how to use it.
Please, it's worth it... Divorce is horrible, especially for the kids!
2007-01-01 08:10:45 · answer #1 · answered by my-kids-mom 4 · 0⤊ 3⤋
I think his sleeping habits should be the LAST issue you both should have. On the other hand, not having sex is just plain bad. You can't change his pattern of sleep. Some people function better in the mornings (thus go tot bed early) and others are up all night. If your sex life isn't the best I could see issues there. As far as him not having friends, so what? Do you have friends? Do your friends invite the two of you out? If you don't have mutual friends maybe it's time you got some. Instead of arguing about certain things, how about making a compromise about the sleep and friends. The sex is something you might have to work on in counseling - if you can't rectify this because it's affecting YOU, then I would say you must find someone more compatible. Was he this way when you were dating? You may have had a clue before marriage.
*** I just read your follow up, you don't have a choice, you need out, it's not goging to work. Not only is it unfair to you because you "hate" it, but it's unfaiar to him because he can't change himself - he needs to find someone who can compliment him the same way you need someone who compliments you. Good luck!
2007-01-01 08:02:10 · answer #2 · answered by Lori E 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Assuming your husband has to wake up that early in the week for work, I see how he needs to continue that sleeping pattern over the weekend and falling out of the sleep habit can really put a damper it. Cut him some slack.
My husband is not a sociable man but I am perfectly content with that. He too has no friends, nor does he get invited to social gatherings. I respect that about him. If I want to do something I go out with my friends and family. There is nothing wrong with that.
Knowing he goes to bed early, can't you find someone to watch your child in the afternoon so you can have alone time? It will be much easier to find a sitter for daytime hours.
No, I don't think you are wrong for thinking about divorce. I think it's almost a natural defense to marital frustration.I'm just having a hard time relating to you. It's all about how you perceive marriage I suppose. Good luck, something has to give or bend.
2007-01-01 08:47:27 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
So you have an introvert on your hands who isn't a party animal, and doesn't stay up late.
I think you could try several things before jumping into divorce.
1) If your sex life is not satisfactory, try some sex during the day.
2) Your husbands opposite attributes were probably what attracted you to him, and so recognize that before you condemn him for them.
3) The Pygmalion project never works. You probably got together with him because he was different then you, and then as soon as you were married, you begin to try and change him into what you are. You may find startling results if you lay back and begin to let him be who he really is.
4) I don't see that there is anything that is wrong in his behavior that would be a bad influence on his son.
5) I would highly recommend that you both take the Meyers/Briggs -- Keirsey/Bates temperament sorter. Understanding where each of you are coming from can make a huge difference in your relationship.
2007-01-01 08:03:55 · answer #4 · answered by peacedevi 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Whine much? You don't mention your work schedule... do you have one? Have you thought that maybe you could compromise a little and change your sleeping habits, instead of being selfish and thinking it's all about you? Some people don't have a large circle of friends, he may very well be content with you and whomever he works with. I think that you have other issues with him that you are not mentioning and this is just an excuse for you to justify using the word 'divorce'.
2007-01-01 10:06:22 · answer #5 · answered by frogsandweeniedogs 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I get up for work at 5am M-F and grankly, when you do it all week, your body gets used to it. So what if he goes to bed early? Maybe you should start getting up earlier so you both want to go to bed at the same time. You didn't say whether you work, I suspect you do not, if you did, you might understand how easily your body can fall into a regular sleep routine. Maybe you can suggest that he get a different shift. Frankly, I don't see how your son will grow up badly seeing his father behave like a responsible adult going to bed at a decent time so he can get up for work in the morning.
My husband and I have to work opposite shifts because we have 2 children and cannot afford and do not want to put them in daycare. We barely EVER see each other, so trust me, it could be worse. Personally, I think you are being selfish and a little controlling telling him what time he can or cannot go to bed.
If sex is an issue, have it in the afternoon when your son is napping or before your hubby goes to bed.
Trust me, if him going to bed too early is the worst of your problems, you need to get over it as it could be much worse.
2007-01-01 08:43:00 · answer #6 · answered by lookinforanswers 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I think your first mistake was marrying him in the first place. Why did you marry someone for whom you seem to have so little affinity and so little respect?
I can imagine just from reading your post that you could easily make any man feel emasculated and belittled. Emasculated and belittled man=limp d!ck.
Why the heck did you marry him in the first place, is what I'd like to know.
No, you're not wrong for thinking about divorce. The question is, why isn't HE?
I'm a black woman too, by the way.
2007-01-02 11:14:26 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ever consider marriage counseling? It seems as though maybe he has some possible depression issues and your being upset with him is only adding to the problem. seek help, not a divorce! Start the year off better then the last one ended!!!!
2007-01-01 08:03:14 · answer #8 · answered by PROUDJEW 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are acting like a spoiled child, I bet if you worked as hard as him to support your family New Years Eve would not have mattered to you. It sounds like you want an excuse to leave,so leave. Find an exciting man that can stay up night and day because he does not work for you and your child,oh wait, you can live off this guys child support.
2007-01-01 08:43:45 · answer #9 · answered by livlafluv 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have you talked to him?
It sounds like you're more obsessed with marriages then making them work. Did he work today?
TALK TO HIM.
Don't whine about how terribly boring he is. He has a job. He has to get up at 4. So he didn't stay up to kiss you at midnight; how does that undermine your marriage? Does it mean he loves you less?
NO!
Get off your divorce train and just try talking to him. You have a child, and now it's time to learn how to communicate AND LISTEN.
2007-01-01 07:59:22 · answer #10 · answered by FaZizzle 7 · 5⤊ 1⤋