I feel sorry for my husband as i hate sex . I wish i could enjoy it but i feel i have no interest in it at all .. I have 4 children so yes i do get tired but i need to be fair as he does have his needs .. Im not into watching porn etc so don`t go there . I just wish i didn`t treat it like a big deal .. how can i relax and maybe enjoy this intimate time with him .. We have been together for 17 years , both been faithful and yes we love each other , my feelings for him haven`t changed etc .. We are happy .. but when he initiates sex it always ends in us falling out as i hate it soo much ..
I do suffer depression and am on medication and have been for years ..
Any help or similar situations greatly appreciated ..
Thank u
2007-01-01 07:46:59 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
A few have suggested changing your medication and I agree with that. The tabs I am on have certainly lowered the libido and although not at the no interest at all stage, I want it less than hubby would like!
You don't say how old your kids are but I imagine being tired doesn't help.
Get back to basics and rediscover each other again. Just spend time relaxing together and touching, caressing and just enjoying each others bodies. Making love is far more than penetration! If you don't enjoy it then there are still plenty ways for him to enjoy you and your body and come to a satisfactory end! Get the oil out and let him rub you down and then let his imagination take over! Take a nice soak in a bath and get him to wash you. Buy some new night wear that gives you a sexier feeling than being mum all day. Candles. Music. Glass of wine. Anything that'll work for you. Just get back to that feeling of being the object of being his desire - you say you still love each other and obviously being faithful proves that 17 years and 4 kids hasn't altered how he sees you so find out what the stumbling block is with yourself. Your self image has maybe taken a nose dive with the usual being mum equals neglecting yourself.
Most of all talk it through. It's frustrating for you both and unless you can understand where each other is coming from then it'll never be resolved.
And by calling it sex - is it no longer a case of having time to enjoy each other? Call it making love cos that's what you need - to make love with each other, not just an unsatisfactory quicky for the sake of peace and quiet.
And as for finding a sex partner as suggested a few times- please don't do that! How will solve anything??! You love each other - stick with that!
Good luck - I hope you get sorted out soon. x
2007-01-01 09:04:43 · answer #1 · answered by wee stoater 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This whole situation must be very hard for you and your husband. Some types of medication that is commonly used for depression can cause a very distinct loss of libido for people. If you have sufferd this (you may not of even realised) and it has been building up for years to the point where sex is no longer enjoyable for you then it seems right to you that you no longer enjoy it. If you look back through your reltionship there must ( i am assuming here) of been a time that the intimate side of your relationship was enjoyable to you. If this is so then it would be helpfull for you to explore what has changed. This can be done individually or by you and your husband attending a counselling service. Speak to your doctor about the medication it may be time to alter it, are you on the old style anti depressants or the new SSRI (selective seratonine re-uptake inhibitors) style. This can make a big difference in other area's not just the depressant side. I have 3 children and understand how loss of libido and other things can affect other area's of your life. I hope this helps in some way and all the best for the future.
2007-01-01 08:01:14 · answer #2 · answered by richard s 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Both go for a nice walk in the countryside. Get babysitters if you have to. Then ask eachother about your school days, your childhood and try and think of the best anecdotes. Do this so you can feel nostalgic as if you were remembering the great days that have passed.
Then, after you get home - treat yourself to some sweets or chocolate for once! Put on a record or cd of someone you loved when you were a teenager. Then both have a shower together and do NOT touch eachother. Then go to bed and cuddle only. Before you fall asleep, try and remember every detail of when you lost your virginity - or when you first fell in love.
Then start writing about your greatest memories of you and your partner in a note-pad. Don't tell him! Write loads then show him when you're finished. During that period, play a board game with him or play cards, scrabble or even hide and seek! Try and be a teenager again basically. Enjoy trying to do all this!!! What have you got to lose. Then on a good planned night, drink plenty of wine or whatever and dress like a teenager and talk a lot about life and the great times and what you would like to do in the future.
Try and not feel like a mother when you're alone with him!!!
Then - you should feel something wet in your pants and attack him with all your lust. If it doesn't work - fine! But try all this as you have nothing to lose.
Good luck!
2007-01-01 13:50:43 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try and get off the anti depressants for a start, ar maybe try a new variety. They're really no good in the long term.
You dont find porn a good way of getting intimate ? Does anyone ? I certainly dont, and I nor do ( I suspect ) the majority of people. If it's not what floats your boat... find something that does. Easier said than done, I know.
Relaxation sounds like the key here, so maybe the forst thing to do is take a really honest look at yourself, and your life.... try again to work out what things in your life stress you or cause you anxiety, then however nasty or daunting it seems, you have to resolve those issues somehow. You can face them and accept truths, you can be brutal and say goodbye to people ( no... not hubby) you can be brave and make big lifestyle changes all round.
Once you've started to tackle a few of these issues you might find one day your self esteem is on the rise, you'll feel good about reaching a certain point, or achieving a certain life changing goal. (For me, it was the day I finally got out of debt after a £42,000 struggle) Anyway... at this point you'll need to think YES ! I am in charge here, you know ?! and now... I'm going to tackle the biggies and really nail those anxieties one at a time.
Nailing anxieties is not easy, nor is it fun. I took a tumor in my throat ( which is still there right now !) to help me come to terms with my biggest fear.... the fear of death. I've looked it in the eye now and we are on equal terms, death will get me, but I will have fun untill then. I broke the spell and I am now less depressed than at any time in the last 10 maybe 25 years (and I'm only 36 now).
Beat the depression, and take back controll of your life, and your emotions will start to take care of themselves. you may become a very timid lover again, just like school dates were, but hey ! there's a start, it's a foothold.
Main thing is, never loose faith in yourself, your love for your hubby and his love for you, you can find ( and probably have found ) many ways to be in love and show that love without sex barging in like an unwanted pig in a bun shop,learn about intimacy without arrousal it truly is a fine and wonderfull thing to master, to share a cuddle, kiss, touch, talk.... Ohhhh TALK ! talking is the most intimat form of communication there can be, you talk, you listen... Never lie, be honest with one anonther.
Hope it helps in some tiny way. Chin up my friend and take care
2007-01-01 08:05:27 · answer #4 · answered by mittobridges@btinternet.com 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
There's a good chance the meds are contributing factor. But, you have 4 kids and I think life in general kinda wears a person down. Enjoying and desiring sex is more psychological for some people than others. Some men need sex for those same psychological reasons more so than physical needs. Ask him to be patient and see if he can wait for you to make that first move. Sometimes you just need to have a best friend to help you thru things. It'll get better. Good luck.
2007-01-01 08:03:40 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being diagnosed with depression may cause effect to your sex drive. I am no doctor so unfortunately i have no explanation why.
Most men naturally have a high sex drive as they are visual and sexual creatures. You are a mum and sometimes doing the daily washing up, cooking tea is tiring which can also lower your sex drive.
Just because you're not interested in sex as much as he is, has no impact on whether you still love him or not.
I think your best bet is to maybe relax at a holiday resort, somewhere away from the kids, arrange a romantic evening and then maybe you might be more interested in the idea of sex.
2007-01-01 07:55:28 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Its a fact that time and circumstances hinder a love life ,if you let them . after 17 years I'm sure your love isn't that nervous sweaty palm love that it was at first , and having 4 other creatures ruling your day and leaving you exhausted at days end can kill that romantic spark , but why not turn of the TV put on a CD RECORD OR TAPE just sit and snuggle reminisce about older sexier times , a little petting and romance might just see the naughtier side of you return and enjoy your husbands intimacy once again , I'm not sure about your medication I mean your on it for depression so the advice to just stop taking it may be a step in the wrong direction . the fact that after 17 years he is still there trying to make love to you is a testament to this mans total love for his woman .
2007-01-01 09:18:44 · answer #7 · answered by slick 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should talk to your doctor to see if maybe the medication is the cause of this lack of desire. I am not a very sexual person, but I have my moments so maybe you should talk to your doctor. If doesn't sound like it has anything to do with your attractiveness for each other. Is it that it doesn't feel good or is it that you just don't enjoy the act? Try the doctor though.
2007-01-01 08:10:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to get to the bottom of the cause of the depression as that will affect all areas of your life. The medication will probably account for mood swings as well whether you realise or not. On the sex front I would recommend some counselling to attend together if you could or on your own if not.
Good luck
2007-01-01 07:52:27 · answer #9 · answered by Pete W 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You know what I have felt the same way and it really wasnt me I had to realize that the sex was whack!!! I was in denial but i ended up sleeping with someone else and it was good and I could'nt stop!1 !No I am not married, so it was easier to solve, but you may need to try some totally different new things that intrest YOU so you can enjoy it too! I know how it feel to just have somebody all up on you and not enjoy it .Girl, I feel so badd for you !! You might need to take some tequilia shots without him knowing or try some of that freaky stuff at lovers lane maybe find a babysitter and go to a male strip club !! Think to yourself what turns you on and go find it and bring it home... Dont ever be afraid your man will think your tooo freaky its no such thing!! Let him know freaky sex is better than none!!!
2007-01-01 08:05:42 · answer #10 · answered by Da' Hottest Mami 1 · 1⤊ 2⤋