I am hoping that I can get some support on this. I have not been able to get pregnant for almost two years. For the most part, I try to be as optimistic as i can. but recently, my good friend told me she is pregnant. All the sudden I am hit with all of these conflicting emotions : jealousy, pain, sadness, etc. I am not daring to ruin her joy so i have not let her know of my struggles for a baby and that i am anything less that ecstatic for her. but this is wearing on me.. i find myself pulling away, esp. when she is showing me all of these pictures of how far along she is and talking about it 24/7. it also doesn't help because i suffered a miscarriage at 8 weeks and that is how far along she is. it is painful to hear about how big the baby is, the heartbeat.. thinking about my past loss and my present struggle. i don't want to lose her or have her catch onto my discomfort.. what should i do?
2007-01-01 07:23:52 · 22 answers · asked by eternity_22@sbcglobal.net 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Trying to Conceive
First, here is a {{HUG}}. I know just what you are going through. I have been trying to get PG for 7 years and I have seen many of my friends get PG with first and second children. The hardest times are when it is my closest friends who are PG. It is dificult to deal with, b/c we feel like we should be as happy as they are, but it is just too close to home to seperate ourselves emotionally.
My suggestion would to be honest with her. She is your best friend for a reason. She loves you and cares about you, and would never want to cause you pain, intentional or unintentional. Sharing your trials with her will not decrease her joy. It may even help her appreciate her own fertility even more.
You don't have to be blunt and say, "Sharing all of your joy is killing me." Just work it into one of the conversations you are having. For instance, if she starts talking about the nursery, you can say, "I dream about the nursery I want all of the time. I just hope I can get a baby to fill it one day. "Once you start letting her into your mind and she can see how you are thinking, she will be more considerate in the info she is telling you.
You are facing a really difficult time, and for your own mental health, you are going to have to stop trying to protect your friend so much and worry about protecting yourself more. After all, she is living her dream now and you are suffering, so I'm sure she would prefer to protect you during these times.
I am happy to say that all of my friendships have survived my long struggle with infertility. This is because I have been honest with my friends, and because they are WONDERFUL women who have protected me and helped me while I was down. I know your best friend will be that way, too, so give her the chance to be as good a freind as you are to her.
I wish you luck on your TTC journey!
2007-01-01 08:28:23 · answer #1 · answered by MissM 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I have not been able to answer that question for so many years my self; however I can tell you some things that I should have not done. Don't let it ruin your friendship; if she is a good friend she will understand your pain if you tell her what you have said here about spoiling her happiness etc. There will be times when you must distance yourself from your friend and baby because of the pain of not having your own child. Just be honest it's not that you are not happy for your friend; and you have a right to your own feelings of pain. Good luck I have lost friends because of not knowing how to handle this. If she is a true friend she will understand. I am not a professional; if you need to talk to a therapist don't hold back you have a right to your feelings also and you are not being selfish or a "bad" friend. Anyway good luck again I wish you the very best.
2007-01-01 07:52:16 · answer #2 · answered by rkotac 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know exactly what you are going through. I had to take clomid to get pregnant... m/c at 8 weeks and right after that my good friend got pregnant on thier first try. Which she said that they only tried b/c we were pregnant. It was almost like I wanted to hear it all at the same time it depressed me. It was like I was still living my pregnancy through her. I know it is so hard to do. She tried not to talk about it but it was her life.. and what she was going through. I know you want to be around your friend but I would highly suggest talking with her. Sharing that you are interested but letting her understand how it is hard sometimes too. Once I kind of stepped away from being around her everyday to maybe once a week it really helped me get though everything. I know your happy for your friend but it is so hard.
Now the shoe is on the other foot. Nicole had her baby last week and I have known that I am pregnant for 2 1/2 weeks then. So just have hope. I know it's hard... but telling my other friend who has fertility issues as well when she asked if I had good news this month was so hard knowing that no matter what I said she would be devistated.
Hang in there. I don't know if this is any help but I took Letrozole aka Femara. It worked for me as soon as they got the dose up high enough for me to ovulate. Taking a baby asprin every day also thickens your uterine lining. I also used preseed. It's a sperm friendly lubricant. I had ovulation utrasounds and an HCG shot to trigger my ovulation. I was fortuate that my insurace covered all of that. But I do wish you the best and just be honest with your friend... it works.
:)
2007-01-01 07:36:47 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I totally understand. On jan 15 05 I found out that I was pregnant after trying for over 2yrs w/ 1 prev. miscarriage. I did not even tell my husband but I was so happy he kept asking me what was going on. I chose not to tell him or anyone else until I went to the dr. That day I made the appt. for a week later. On the 18th I miscarried again. I kept it between me and my dr because I did not want to cause my husband anymore pain. On the 27th a VERY close friend told me and her husband(we were at work together) that she was pregnant. I started balling and ran into the bathroom crying uncontrolably. When she came in after me it all just came out. She told me I should have talked to her she would have been there for me. I now know that was true. I now spend every chance I get with her 3month old baby boy. He is my world. And she still prays for me to be next, and tells me everyday that I deserve it. Good luck I hope this helps you even a little. Don't be affraid.
2007-01-01 08:36:39 · answer #4 · answered by kristy b 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the best thing i believe to do for YOU is to take the situation as a way to turn around your feelings. Obviiously you have/are holding on to some grief from trying for so long and also the loss you have experienced with the miscarrage.... how beautiful would it be if you could see her position as the opportunity which may be waiting for you one day? If she is a good friend, maybe you should tell her about what you have been experiencing for the past 2 years, holding on to it and keeping it inside will probably not be doing the best for your state of mind.... If you dont feel good then it may be harder for good things to happen! There is a website which has wonderful artices about all sorts of issues with dealing with these kind of things when trying to concieve. www.sharkeyshealingcentre.com.au Signing up to recieve fertility tips is a great help too. All the best, X
2007-01-01 08:01:23 · answer #5 · answered by hey lili 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You characterize her as a good friend, yet you have never shared your struggle with infertility???
Now is the time to be honest with her - tell her what you have been going through. I am sure that she can, subconsciously, sense your pulling away, and I am sure that she is wondering about it.
If she is that good a friend, she will love you more for being honest, as opposed to wondering, if she ever finds out, why you kept so much from her.
Good luck. You are a caring and well meaning person who will probably make a fine parent. Consider adopting - there are SO many children that need loving parents like you!
2007-01-01 07:30:04 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do you mean she doesn't know that you've been trying, and have suffered a miscarriage? If she doesn't know these things, then no wonder you feel so bad. If she knew, she probably wouldn't be flashing the pictures in your face and constantly going on about the pregnancy. You really need to talk about it with her, and then after you do move on and let her have her joy. This is a time for her to be happy, no matter how you feel. Being happy for her might help you, you never know...
2007-01-01 07:29:12 · answer #7 · answered by Lindsay M 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, I would tell her, so she can understand your pain. She is your friend just as much as you are her friend.
She needs to support you as you want to support her. That is what true friends are there for.
If she knows, she'll be better able to understand, and she won't talk about it 24/7. If you don't tell her, she will pick up on your negative feelings, and it could ruin your friendship.
If and when you tell her, I'd bring her a yellow rose before I told her, and I'd tell her that you value your friendship, and you never want to lose her as a friend, and tell her how happy you are for her. This way she will know how much she means to you.
We all have struggles in life, just different ones. If she hasn't had any major struggles in life as of yet, she will, just like you and me. Life is never perfectly happy with no problems, for anyone.
If you have not consulted a fertility specialist, I would definitely consult one asap!
Good luck!
2007-01-01 08:01:13 · answer #8 · answered by Peekie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be happy for her right now. If rolls were reversed how would you feel. You would be so happy and excited to tell your friend everything. I have gone through the same thing. I had a M/C at 10 weeks. My best friend happened to be pregnant along with a good family friend and another family friend who happens to be unmarried and 18 years old. I have gone to the hospital 3 times in the last 6 months to see new born babies. It is hard emotionally but I am happy for all of them. When it is the right time it will happen. God has a plan for all of us he already has everything mapped out as to how many children we will have. Just wait for him to give them to you.
2007-01-01 07:34:31 · answer #9 · answered by Angela R 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am sorry for your struggles, but!!
Just like the wealthy having money does not make the poor, poorer.
This is not her fault, certainly and it sounds like she is unaware of your struggles on this, so I would let it stay that way. I'm sure you can find great Joy in helping her plan and buying gifts, etc.
That is just how life is. I do not mean to diminish your pain either, but diminsihing her joy won't fix your issues on this at all.
I wish you the best, I really do!
God Bless
2007-01-01 07:33:14 · answer #10 · answered by rumbler_12 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋