How do you know when it is over??

Question

My wife and I have been married for 14 years. We very seldom fight or argue, but I feel emotionally dead inside. I mean she can be in the same room, touch my hand or want to sit next to me, and I feel nothing. I can see an attractive woman out somewhere and well you know what I mean. I have never cheated on her. Is there some way to get that feeling back or is it too late.

Answer 1

You will know its over when you have tried resparking the romance, going out together alone, spending as much time just talking about how both of you feel to each other without having to feel restricted or scared of rejection or resentment, have tried rebuilding trust, doing nice little things for each other, and seeing what they mean to you, and what you mean to them. It's then after you KNOW you have tried everything to try and make it work, that you will know and can say to yourself, "Hey I tried, I can only do this for so long, and I can't keep trying to put broken pieces together if they're not even there to begin with, I got to make myself happy now and focus on my future." I really hope you figure out how you feel inside, but remember you earned your way into the marriage, and you should have to earn your way out, I dont mean be mean and ruin your wife's life, you have to make sure you tried at least and not have lost something that could have been fixed.

Answer 2

Well why don't you just do a lot of nice things for your wife ( I'm saying fake it till you make it ) sweet things. Love begets love. I tell you, I have been there. My husband wasn't into looking at other women & etc. and as far as I know, he was contented. I wasn't happy cause my huband although a good man did not know how to show affection, or cuddle , or compliment, or carry on a conversation, he wasn't even a good friend. I needed these things. We struggled and I was so lonely. Bottom line is I poured the love on him in all the sweet ways I could think of. I bragged on him in public. I made him look good. He became a born again christian and we became envolved in Bible Study classes and church and had a good time . Now 5 adult children later and 54 years of marriage behind us, he is everything I want in a husband, a perfect grow old companion. My efforts paid off and I am so very grateful.
Please don't throw your marriage away, especially if you have children together. Best of luck to you and I hope in some way that I have encouraged you. Life is so rewarding when you can joke and make small talk and laugh together. Don't give up !!
~~~~" Start your New Year 2007 Off On The Right Foot "~~~~~

Answer 3

Your parting question shows that there is still hope; "Is there some way to get that feeling back or is it too late?"

As WaZoO suggested, look back to what brought the two of you together 'way back when'? All too often we get complacent in our relationships, and forget to let the other person know why we like being around them. We get too damn comfortable with the same old, same old, and neglect those little things that keep a spark glowing.

The next time she walks into the room, give her a wolf whistle, even if she is wearing sweats. Let her know that you've noticed her, and that you think she is the most beautiful woman in the room. When she touches your hand, give hers a little squeeze in return. If she curls up next to you, put your arm around her, even if only for a little while, just to let her know you are glad to be with her.

Above all else, please don't sit at your computer asking us what to do. Go find her, and talk with her. She may be wondering what happened to that spark as well. You have to find it again... together! Invite her to go for a walk, and hold hands like you used to do. Take a ride to get an ice cream or a burger. So what if there is plenty to eat in the fridge - that's not the point. What did the two of you do when you were young and foolish? What's stopping you from doing that now?

You two have to rekindle the romance with what you know about each other. The best way is to talk, and DO something... together!

Answer 4

Marriage is about committment and it takes work to keep it going.
Physical passion waxes and wanes. You may not have a hot & heavy romance like when you were first married, but consider the big picture... is she your friend and companion? Do you have similar goals? Do you still enjoy doing things together? When was the last time you went on a romantic weekend trip? Do you practice small acts of affection on a regular basis?
Perhaps you have just settled into ordinary life and just aren't putting forth the kind of (romantic) effort you did when your relationship was new.
If you set your mind to it , you can rekindle the flames of passion that got you together in the first place. Look at old photos together, or share memories from when you dated. Surprise her with flowers for no reason. Whisk her away to a remote cabin for a weekend. If you put the effort in , I'm sure you will get positive results.

Answer 5

I really think the 5, 10, 15, 20, etc. years in a marriage are hard to get through. It seems at those times you have to concentrate more on your spouse than at any other time. I was married for 18 years to a cheating spouse and even though I knew he had cheated on me from day one I knew it was over when what he said and did no longer mattered to me. We didn't argue or fight, I was never given the opportunity to voice my opinion in any matter, so when I had taken about all I could and really it came down to I didn't care anymore I went to the lawyer and filed for a divorce and told him that evening when he came home from work. He was not at all happy and tried to fight the divorce at every turn but I never looked back and gave in. That was in "98". Only you will know when the time is right to walk or fight.

Answer 6

Do the things that started the romance in the first place. Go out to dinner, take a long weekend away somewhere, let her touch your hand... Maybe you've just become complacent with your relationship. Best of luck -- 14 years a long time to be with someone and it's good that you recognize that there is a problem instead of just walking away.

Answer 7

Its not too late. You need to talk to your wife about how you feel and try to work on getting your relationship back on track. Spend some extra alone time just cuddling or spending time together. I understand exactly what you mean because I often feel the same about my husband. Its because he pretty much ignores me. I want to feel loved but most of the time he acts like he could care less that I am.

Answer 8

When a man refuses to let his wife know that he loves her and thinks "Ah well she knows it anyway" the fountains dry up. All women need to know that they are loved. Women need to know that their man loves them and be told regularily. Sadly men dont realize this or choose not to realize it, with the result that the wife looses respect for her man because she thinks he doesnt love her.

All marriages loose their sparkle at some point but then you might well be entering into male meopause or mid life crisis and believe me men DO go through this. SOme not as badly as others. All men look, but dont kid yourself the grass is not greener on the otherside. Infact its heaped with manure under and dog manure on top. If your marriage is dead think of creative ways to improve it, but how about first telling the woman you chose to spend the rest of your life of that you actually do love her. Buy her flowers, take her on a holiday or somewhere shes never been before thats special. SHOW her that you care. TELL her you love her and watch things turn about.

Answer 9

You seriously need to sit down and have a serious talk with your wife. Then the two of you need to get some professional help. You may have emotional issues, and you may have mental issues. You might have some chemical issues, and you my have some physical health problems. Before you make any irreversible plans, you need to get checked out, head to foot.
And don't exclude your wife, as you seem to be doing.
As far as "getting the feelings back", if you truly want to do that, some things happened between you and your wife years ago that gave you feelings for her to begin with. Try going back in a time machine and doing some of those same things again.
Like force yourself to hold her hand watching a movie. Go out to a movie, go out to a play. HOld hands. Cuddle. When you can sneak a 10 second French kiss without 50 people seing you, French kiss her. When you can do so without embarrassing yourself, feel her up.
One of the fun things I've done with two wives and half-a-dozen cooperative girlfriends over the years is to take her out, and while you're walking down the street, push her into a doorway, French kiss her and feel her up above and below.
If you're lucky, and if she's receptive, she's very likely to give you a healthy squeeze as well.
I happened to mention to an elder at church years ago how I missed the dating days with my wife. I said "when we were dating, I'd take her someplace, and I'd cop a feel half-a-dozen times during a 3-4 hour date."
The elder asked me why I stopped doing that. He said he'd been married like 20 years, and he was STILL feeling his wife up half-a-dozen times a day! He even did it in front of people! She LOVED it! It told her he was "interested" and he didn't mind if the whole world knew it!
Shortly after that conversation, my wife and I split up. She wouldn't allow me to touch her. I wasn't even allowed to kiss her without asking her permission. A woman who won't be touched is something I simply can't deal with.
Be playful, be naughty.
If you haven't tried it, try talking naughty with her.

Answer 10

No, nothing in love is too late. Do you want to be with her? It's up to you to decide if you want that feeling back. You may want to try marriage counseling since it will teach you better ways to communicate and explore each other's love language. Don't give up! So many people out there throw away their wives, husbands, and kids. Everything is disposable anymore. Don't become another statistic. Take care.