how do i get over self sabataging?

Question

i'm a 33 year old. i study full-time and have a responsible job. but i am a mess inside. i come from an abusive family background. my father was emotionally abusive and convinced me i was hopeless and unintelligent. i was really close to my mother who died 7 years ago. i wish it happened to him and i feel guilty for still feeling it. 4 members of the family have cut him out of their life, including one of my brothers and his only sister. i have no contact with them because of his games i have lost a lot of my family. my mother kept the family together. i still see my father hoping he will change. some times he is ok other times he is nasty, especially when we are left alone. this is ruining my life as i feel hopeless. my dad is never empathic or cares or listens to me. he has never shown interest. he attacks my beliefs and things and people i love. why does he still do this to me? he keeps setting me back when he plays his game. my confidence is disappearing.

Answer 1

you must, as an adult, accept your father for who he is, and that he does not wish to change,, nor will he,,,,,, if you choose to be around him, you must put up a barrier between what he says and how you allow yourself to feel about it,, its all in your hands now, as a grownup,,,, not easy to do,,,,, i know,, but you need to find people to associate with who do not put you down,,,, the ones who are closest to you in life do not have to be your family, and often are not...... while it would be fantastic to have the support of your father and family,, you can make it/define yourself without that,,, you could, as your contribution to the family and to your mothers memory, perhaps plan one day a year,,, a holiday or any other, and invite them to your home for a meal,,,,, if they come, fine, if they get along, great! if not, you did something for them and yourself,,, that is all you really can or should do,,,,,,

Answer 2

I understand that you are studying to make a better life. And since you are 33, that also means that you were not supported to the notion of higher learning from your dad when you were in your college age. I am also 32 and I am in your boat. Once you complete your work and get into the higher earning bracket, you should do the same as your siblings.

He sees you as an easy target to criticize and make him look better. But he also has nobody but you left. When you are gone, he does not deserve to have you around. Its kinda like doing time emotionally with nobody around that cares about him.

Remember, he don't care about your dreams, so why do you have to care about his life. He caused everything to happen since he is the man of the house that sets up the attitude of everyone in there. You could always move in with one of your siblings or even try to evaluate your financial situation so that you don't have to work so much and stay in school with more focus.

Answer 3

At 33 you're still trying too hard to be a daddy's girl. Sorry if it sounds crude, but parents are not perfect. Some have the best most encouraging, loving parents, others don't. Look at all you've accomplished on your own. Are you gonna let anyone, family or not, ruin that? I mean, he'll always be your dad and all, but you don't have to live a bitter life only because he is bitter himself, look at what you've already lost and don't lose anymore. Love him and respect him, yeah, don't let him or anyone else bring you down though. Good luck.

Answer 4

Your father sounds like a very unhappy and angry man, who doesn't know how to deal with that, or give love, as he clearly doesn't love himself.

I know this is SOOO much easier said then done, but forgiving him, and moving on is the best thing for you. besides, you should feel very proud of yourself....you could have turned out like him and learned to be negative, and instead, you're strong enough to see it's wrong and want to distance yourself from it.

Best of luck to you, and I wish you lots of happiness.

Answer 5

You have to let go, you can not change him or help him, so you must change yourself and as much as it will hurt you have to get him out of your life and not let him back in till he is a different person and apologizes for what he has done to you. Please you are to old to still harbor feeling from childhood and he is keeping you a child.

Answer 6

I think you have to confront him on this, it sounds like there's nothing to loose at this point. I don't think your relationship can get better with these bad feelings and will give him the chance to either work on your relationship, and if he is unwilling at least you will have gotten a load off your chest.
Good luck!

Answer 7

If it bothers you to deal with him than DON'T deal with him. You deserve a life without all the bulsh*t. You need to cut out the mess in your life. YOu are an adult and are in charge of your happiness.