How long do we blame our parents?

Question

I believe there is some truth in blaming our parents for damage inflicted but when does it end? where do we become responsable for our actions? I have hated my dead beat father all my life and blame his abandonment in every area of my life most of all with my relationship with men. your opinion?

Answer 1

Many of us find that our parents "shorted" us in some way- that we are then unprepared, and even "short" our children because of it. This is true, but easily misunderstood. You need to get new perspective. .

It's not the job of any person or parent to be perfect. Our job is to take what our parents give us, throw out all the trash we can, add in all the good we can- and pass that to our children. Sometimes what we get is pretty poor. The question is, what are we going to pass on? Are we going to feel sorry for ourselves and pass on the anger- or start with what we have and build something better?

Like you- my father left a lot to be desired, and my grandfather was even worse, as I saw it. As I matured and came to understand that my grandfather probably had little to pass along to my father, I began to understand my father's shortcomings. As I learned more about my grandfathers history, I learned that he lost his father and three brothers in one week to a typhoid epidemic. At that point, his mother was ill but survived. He had to bury most of his family and become the provider for the remaining family- at the age of fourteen. That helped me understand why his priorities were focused so much differently than mine. He came from a place much more difficult than I could imagine, and did what he had to to deal with it. He never told me about that- I think it was too painful for him. All things considered, I know now that he was a far better man than I gave him credit for. I also came to understand where some of my father's characteristics came from. My opinion of my father changed drastically over the years, as I realized that some of what I thought he owed me- he didn't have to give in the first place. Given that, he did well with what he had.

Some people rise to the challenges, some can't cope with them. But regardless of what you were given, the future depends not on what you were given- but what you do with it now.

Given human shortfalls and weakness, I think it's true that most of us are doing the best we can under the circumstances. Sometimes that's pretty sad, but in the end your own life is what you make it, not what others left to you or owed you.

Answer 2

Some people blame their parents until the day they die. But I think it is a trap to do so, because there is really no place to go from there. In order to grow and move forward, we have to eventually take responsibility for our lives. Yes, we may have had crummy parents, but they are/were just human, after all, and humans are imperfect. It is a tall order to forgive someone like a deadbeat dad, but ultimately there is nothing to be gained by holding on to hate. Does it make you any happier or feel better about yourself? Probably not. Yes, you have probably legitimately suffered as a result of your father's actions, but there is no way to change that. The only thing you can change is how you are going to deal with that and how much power you are going to continue to give your dad over your life. I don't think this is something that can be done easily or quickly. It is a process. But to be able to take ownership of your life is only going to be a good thing. I wish you all the best.

Answer 3

You are using your father's abandonment of you as an excuse for your failures. You and only you are responsible for your actions and your relationships with men. Get some help from a good therapist if you are having problems, but nothing is going to change until you stop the pitty party.

Why are you spending so much time and energy hating a man who does not care for you? You have one life. One! Every day, every minute that you WASTE thinking about this is another minute that you could be working toward being happy. But maybe you don't want to be happy? Maybe you like wallowing in this pain?

If I were you, I would stop living in the past and find love in the present.

Answer 4

I blamed my family from the time i was 5 until I turned about 17. I was molested as a child and no one helped me, they all just assumed I was a bad seed. So I acted out and did drugs and basically ran around with an f you attitude towards everyone but my friends. When i turned 17 I realized that I was old enough (had been for awhile in my opinion) to take responsibility for the way I was acting and knock it off. I looked at it as if it were a game, and the longer I went around being mad and acting out the longer my abusers were winning. When I started being a responsible adult who made decisions and choices for herself is when I started winning.

I have been winning for almost 13 yrs now, and it feels good.

Answer 5

It only ends when we really become willing to accept complete responsibility for every circumstance and every condition in our life today.
I too, am from a dysfunctional family with toxic parents and I carried the load far too long.
I finally dropped the rock 7 or 8 years ago but you don't have to carry the burden as long if you become willing to let them go into their own place and assume responsibilities from this point on.
I drank alcoholically until I was 30 and tried to blame them for most of my problems. Until I became willing to account for my own actions and my place in the same picture I was condemned to fail at being comfortable in my own life.
It seems easier to blame them for my failures but it was actually much easier after becoming real about my own actions or failures to act where I knew at heart it was required.
I hope this was helpful.

Answer 6

I think it depends on how badly damaged you were. My daughter has already forgiven me for any imagined "sins". (Mostly related to embarrassing her by checking the chaperonage at high school parties. At the time, I "ruined her life".) I have only recently (in my 40s) forgiven my mother for being abusive physically and my father for letting it happen.

I think when you can actually understand the "whys" it's easier to forgive and get past. When it finally struck me that my mother was 16 years old, a child, when she had me and my father was almost as young and that they had grown into much better parents with my younger siblings, then I could forgive their inadequacies. They were, after all, children.

Answer 7

Hey Sandra,
I understand your problem because I've lived it. I had to hit an emotional bottom and then ask for help. I worked the 12 steps. This was a wake up call for me. It helped me take responsibility for the choices I have made. It helped me see that I can not change anyone but I can change myself. It helped me forgive my father for leaving us and it helped me let go of resentments. I was tired of letting my father live "rent free" in my head! believe me, I was the only one pondering and stewing about this all my life...my father was not stewing and pondering. You see, you are the only one who is upset. Everyone else is living their life happy and joyous. Think of your father as a sick man. You are well he is sick. You will soon begin to feel sorry for him. Then you can start to let it go.
There are "12 steps for Christians" and "12 steps for alcoholics" and "12 steps for over-eaters" and "12 steps for narcotics",etc.
Just honestly work some type of 12 step program and you will be a changed person.
The best to you in 2007!

Answer 8

there is no doubt that your father's not being there affected many aspects of your life...i guess the blame becomes harmful when it gets in the way of you getting the most out of life. all we can do is understand how our experiences have helped make us who we are, but also realize that we also have the power to dictate how much those experiences continue to affect us. It's probably in your best interest to somehow accept things and try to move on. good luck!

Answer 9

i still give my parents the cold shoulder all of the time. being a teenager, people might just strictly blame it just on that. every ones like oh she'll get over it, she's a teenager. but that's part of the problem. just because i am a teenager, doesn't mean that you shouldn't listen to me. when i am hurting inside, i don't ever talk to my parents, EVER! i never did. they just don't listen to me. When i ask simple questions like, where's my cloths? they would say something smart and mean. so i don't know if i ever will get over it but for now, they hate is pretty strong in this household. nobody gets along. i just want to have a normal family.

Answer 10

I think you need to take control of your own life. My sister is the same way, she blames her parents for not giving her enough attention, and thats why she doesn't have a good a job and didn't go to college. I think its a easy way to to take responsibility for your own actions. Even if your parents did affect you, if you harp on it you will never get over it.