Any one survived affairs and everything turns out even better?

Question

From an earliar question,found out on Christmas day my Husband off 13 Years fell in Love with another Woman,my Heart is Acking but i know for the sake off the kids i need to get a grip,can it ever get better,i love him deeply

Answer 1

it can be done but you seriously need to think if you are BOTH willing to make it happen. Try couples therapy and talk about it, not throwing it up in his face if he makes you mad, you need to learn to trust him again ****and you also may need to learn to accept the fact that him cheating may be the same as him saying he has moved on.****** I hate to say that but its true and it hurts lik hell but you need to ask alott of questions and get alot of honest answers before you decide to make it work. mostly you HAVE to have both of you want it to work.. you can not fight for both of you..it just doesn't work that way. you need to really think about what is best for you and your family not just what is comftorable and what you're used to.

Answer 2

There are a lot of good answers here, for sure, and everyone is different, what works for one may or may not work for another. From my experience, with a ten year marriage, and he had several affairs, I realised life was just too short to be unloved. I had four children, and stayed and stayed "For the sake of the children" until I knew I'm my heart, it was over. I felt at the time I still loved him, but years later now, happily remarried, I am so thankful I made the choice I did. It was tough, for sure, to leave that marriage. No one can say that is easy. I know now that quality is way more important than quantity. I may only live another 5 or ten years in this marriage, because of health concerns, but I wouldn't trade a day of it for the ten years with my first Husband. Life is about loving some one, and having that love returned, unconditionally. Trust!! There was no trust in my first marriage after the cheating, and therefore nothing left to build our relationship on. Like the saying goes, as long as you love each other, the future is bright indeed, and there are no obstacles you cant over come, not even health concerns. You will always have each other. In my opinion, there has to be the kind of love that is there through thick or thin, the type that allows you to be totally honest with each other, and there in you find the strength you need to meet any obstacle, together. Good luck to you, in the choice you make, and by all means, seek advice from a therapist, if for no other reason than to talk it all over. I found that a person who is not close to it, can add some insights that can be very helpful. I tell my Daughter, to be true to her heart, no matter what decision she is making, be true to your heart, and you wont go wrong.

Answer 3

My husband had an affair ten years ago and I really wish we had ended it then and not struggled on. He hasn't had another affair but it has remained a background issue even though we have tried to put it behind us. The ultimate trust has gone. The thing is affairs are about miscommunication, he doesn't know how to share his feelings or be truly intimate, I think that is why men often have affairs. Curiously his first wife has reappeared in his life, that marriage broke up because of an affair, but he doesn't see that meeting her is a problem. You have to ask yourself honestly how good the relationship is, and if the answer is not very (and the affair would suggest that is the case) then however difficult it is, I would advise you to get out. I wish you all the best for the future.

Answer 4

I'm in the same situation as you right now. I'm really hoping that it will all work out. Even though he is not going to 'give up' this other woman. But we do still love each other and it's made me realise that I'd been taking him for granted and let work get in the way of life. Our teenage son would be devastated if we split up: but I don't advocate staying together for the children's sake unless there is still something there on both sides to make it work again.

We have agreed that we need to work at our relationship; he is not planning to leave and I am most emphatically not asking him. I don't want to push him away as it would only be to the woman he's fallen for. Also, I think people can genuinely love more than one person at a time. I have as a goal a better relationship that is, inevitably, going to be different. I love him deeply as well and can recognise that things aren't always going to the conventional way of life.

At present, I feel as if I'm being hauled over gravel and just go up and down like a roller coaster. But the waves are even now beginning to smooth out and a lot of that is down to the time he's given me to talk and the time he's just been there. It has helped that when I confronted him he didn't try to deny it or make excuses. I found out thanks to a christmas card from a hotel I'd never been to being sent to us. So much will depend on the commitment you have towards each other and I guess I'm about to find out what that commitment is.

So I can't answer your question but I can emphasise with you and clearly we both want to be able to maintain our relationships. so I think we have to be positive and work at it as best we can. Its been a s*** way to start the new year but as sisters in arms, lets hope that things can only get better.

Answer 5

I survived and thrived. I'm now divorced from the cheater (her decision, I would have done whatever it took to work it out, but she was unwilling or unable to return home after her affair.)

My girlfriend (can I say that at 41) is a much better partner, I have a better relationship with my daughter, I have zero debt now, and can save 20% of what I make for retirement, etc, so I'm in far better financial shape than I was married to my ex-wife.

So, in many ways, she did me a favor by leaving and spending another man's money instead of the money I made while she was a SAHM.

Surviving and thriving are a decision. Regardless of how your marriage turns you, I can share with you from three years + after the affair that life CAN get better with or without your spouse. I won't happen over night, but it will get better if you decide it's going to be better.

The best thing for you to do is focus on not just surviving, but thriving, so you provide a more attractive alternative to the other women.

If he doesn't return, well then HE is the big loser. You have nothing to lose by making your life better in moral and ethical ways.

Sometimes, the most loving thing to do is let a person face the consequences of his decisions, and letting him go, while you focus on making your life better, getting in shape mentally, spiritually, financially, emotionally and of course physically is the best thing you can do right now.

You can't force him to come back, nor should you beg him to come back. Instead, make yourself and your home someone that he would prefer to come back to.

Finally, don't just let him waltz back home. He has to EARN his way back home be taking full responsibility for his faults and provide a plan to address them.

If he says things like, "I wouldn't have done this if you..." then don't give him a key to the new locks.

He has to fully own his behavior, with no buts or deflection on to you.

You have to be a prize for him to desire, and discriminating when it comes to determining if he can come back. Make him want you and want to do the work it takes to thrive in marriage.

Blameshifters and excuse makers can stay away, they are no good for you.

Answer 6

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. To begin with, don't blame yourself for what happened. He was the one who made the decision without considering you nor the children. It is very hard to pick up the pieces and attempt to rebuild your life. Just let go off the anger and pain. You are a strong woman and will be able to build a better life without him. You have the most precious inspiration to motivate you to be rebuild your life which are your children. You will find someone in the future who will value the wonderful loving woman you are when he see the type of mother you have been to those children. Your husbands lose will be another man's treasure, the loving woman you are. I experienced something like that. While lying in our bed, he looked into my eyes and told me "I am in love with her." He destroyed me with his emotional abuse and his favorite "It's not my fault you can't find someone." I felt so worthless that I took him back when he left her over a year ago. I was paralized wtih fear and low self-esteem. I stay one more year. He started seeing someone else and this time I walked out becuz during that year I found the strenght in myself after much praying. I met someone who works in the same field my ex and I went out with him. I went out with him and I am very happy. Not only did I prove to my ex that I could find someone but he has a higher position, handsome & buff, and single. Now who's the loser me or my ex who has a full & a part time job and still can't make it financially. It's nice to be able to rub it. Don't lose faith, pray for strenght and love the only true gift your husband gave you, those precious children. I promise, you will be rewarded with someone who will adore you and your children.

Answer 7

My husband and I survived an affair, and our marriage is better than ever now. I hate to say it, but I owe my husband turning from boy to man to him having that affair and hitting rock bottom.

The most important thing you have to do is get to the root of why the affair happened. You say your husband fell in love with another woman... that is the scary part to me. One of the reasons my husband and I were able to survive the affair is because he was not in love with the woman, nor did he have any feelings at all for her- he was looking for someone to stroke his ego at a time he felt worthless and was extremely depressed. What is your husband telling you? That he wants to work it through? That he wants out? Is he accepting responsibility or blaming you? Is he willing to get into counselling and work out whatever issues he has that made him have the affair?

I found some books to be somewhat helpful, but read them taking what you need from them and throw out the rest- (I've listed some below). Not everything will apply to you and sometimes reading makes it worse.

I read a fabulous quote yesterday- "One Forgives to the Degree that One Loves" by La Rouchefoucauld. This will truly test how much you love your husband.

Take care of yourself. I found that even though I could not eat, drinking water and taking vitamins helped me keep my head above water. Get an appointment at a good counsellor- if your husband will go with you, fantastic, if he will not, get in for yourself. You need an objective third party to help you stay sane. Stay busy- do whatever it takes to keep your mind busy so you don't dwell on the issues- clean the house- do those little projects you've been putting off for years- alphabetise your books if it keeps your mind busy! Lean on your friends. Good friends will not be judgemental in a situation like this- they will just listen and be supportive of your decisions, because you are the only one that can make them.

Above all, remember that this is not your fault. Not matter how much society likes to say that men have affairs because their wife isn't doing something for them, it is wrong. Men (and women) have affairs because they are unable to communicate their needs to their partner, and they are looking to fulfill something that is wrong within themselves. Don't let anyone try to convince you that you have a part in his infidelity. You have a part in your marriage's flaws (which every marriage has) but the choice to have an affair was 100% his, and all of the blame for that lies on him.

In answer to your question, yes, it can be better. The pain takes a long time to go away (it's been over a year for me, and I still have days I break down and cry), but with equal work from both you and your husband, you can fix whatever is broken and rebuild your marriage to be even stronger than before.

Please feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk more. I feel for you- I know what it is like to feel like your world is ending and trying to move forward, take care of yourself and kids at the same time. You can do it.

Oh... and the old "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater" is a line of BS.

Answer 8

My ex of 10 yrs cheated 2 times that i knew of. Both were devastating but the second one ended the marriage.Later found out he cheated way more. I have since moved on but from my experience the trust is never the same for people and the self doubt is still there. Enjoy your kids, dont share to much with them its to hard for them. I made that mistake with my oldest daughter because i was alone and hurt no family around. Good luck!! Dont let that love blind you to the best thing for you and your children. Love will find you again you dont need him.

Answer 9

Hun i was with my ex for 18yrs and i loved him deeply although he was violent. i found out my mom had cancer and he wouldnt have my kids so i could go and see her. it was then i kicked him out and realised that me and my kids could do better even if it was alone. it made me realise that my children or any child should have to see their dad keep going out and not spend time with them.after i had kicked him out i found out( he told me) that in the 18yrs we were together he had 20 affairs. believe hun things will get better it takes time its not a 1 day thing but in time you will become a stronger woman and will look back in the future and think to yourself why did i ever let it get me down the day he went. its true believe me i never thought i could have and would have coped on my own.but i did it and YOU can do it too i promise just keep your kids in mind when ever it gets you down.

Good luck x

Answer 10

i have survived an affair, we both had one, first it was him, then it haunted me,its all i could think about. until i went and had an affair, then i was guilty too, im not saying its the right way to do things, but its the only way i could get through it. now we are stronger than ever. and we can tell each other everything, it takes a while to get the trust back but once you have the trust you can move on, i hope things work out for you.

Answer 11

If someone cheats on another then they don't love the person they have cheated on completely and they are settling for second best as is the person who agrees to stay with the cheater. You can have a loving relationship though but it is not ultimate love and there is always a chance of each of you straying in the future.