Jealous of his first daughter?

Question

I'm pregnant with my first (14 wks) & am so excited! The baby's father's not as excited (it was unplanned) but he's being so supportive. I sort of know in my head that it won't be like "the movies" where the father already has a bond with the child in utero, etc. but I was expecting him to be a little more nurturing? Is this b/c he's not as excited? Are there ways to get him more involved? Also he has another child from a previous marriage who's older. He pretty much raised her alone, so they have a very strong bond. I don't want to mess with it. I love her & am proud he's such a good father, but lately he's been saying things like "No one will ever be as important to me as my daughter" and "Stop trying to wreck the bond I have with my daughter" (in a 'don't try to wedge this child in between us' kind of way). I've found myself getting jealous of her and a little angry because I'm worrying he won't love our child anything like he loves her. Should I brush these comments off?

Have any of you gone through this? I'm trying not to get jealous, because he is a great father and she is a great daughter, but I find myself trying to make sure my child gets the best! I feel bad for even typing it, lol. I'd like to hear stories if any of you have gone through this, and maybe some advice on how to calm down about it! Thanks!

Answer 1

Once the new child is born, he'll have a whole new perspective (probably). As long as you don't push it. Don't make an issue until there is one... you mind end up causing something to be there that otherwise wouldn't.
Its easy to say that his daughter that he has now is the most important -- he hasn't met the new one. He will most likely develop a new bond with the new one. DON'T PUSH IT. DON'T MAKE A PROBLEM WHEN THERE MIGHT NOT BE ONE.
Now if he doesn't associate with the new one at all after its born, then perhaps you should seek counseling together and find out why.

Answer 2

There are a lot of emotions when you have your second child with a new partner. I am the opposite. I had a son before my new husband and I got pregnant. I felt really protective of him (still do), there is kind of a feeling of guilt that surfaces over how your child will deal with it and you don't want them to feel left out or replaced.

You are naturally going to be jealous because while this is your first child and it is all new and exciting, your SO knows firsthand what it is like to actually raise a child, worse off he knows what it's like to raise it alone.

He's probably just concerned for the future and for his daughter. Don't fault him for not being as excited the second time around- thing about opening the same Chritmas gift twice- even if it's the best gift in the world you can't have the same emotions the second time around. Perhaps if this child is a boy he will feel different, or who knows maybe it will be his "baby girl"

Answer 3

I have in a way, except my fiance's ex had a daughter with another man, and she made me fiance the godfather. He used to go around telling everyone that it was his daughter because the real father was never around, and he and his ex were best friends. I did my best at first to deal with it, but in the end I did get in between them, but I guess it would have been different if the baby was really my fiance's. Anyway, I think your boyfriend may just be going through the initial shock, which is normal, where he doesn't act excited at first. Give it time, once he gets used to the idea, he will fall in love with it. And when the baby finally comes, it will make your love even stronger. Good luck!

Answer 4

you shouldnt be too worried and dont feel bad for being a lil jealous either but he also might be tellin her all this to help HER cope with a new baby , shes used to being daddys girl most likely they have a certain bond that no child can replace your baby will get the same type of love but alot of men dont exactly act like omg im having a baby like how u may feel hes already expirenced it before its new to u so you both have a diffrent idea of it all , good luck , things should turn out fine , just dont get on him for making his daughter comfortable with everything too

Answer 5

My wife died about 6 years ago,my daugters were 5&3,i raised them by myself for allmost 6 years.I got remarried in january of 06and my wife got pregnant in march.My two girls and I had developed one hell of relationship in the years following their mothers death;we were all each other had.Anyway i was so worried allthough I never told my new wife of my concerns;but my daughters are now 12&10,I was worried would I love the new baby the same,would Iresent him for takeing time away from my daughters, would they resent him;would they resent me;I had all these fears that I was afraid to share with my wife. my son was born december 20 and i'm telling you things couldn't be more perfect.The biggest argument is wich one of my girls get to change the diaper.they both want to.There is enough love to go around and if your husband dont feel the same way find that baby a father who will love it like it deserves to be loved.

Answer 6

This is sad because I know that you need support during your pregnancy, you need reassurance that things are going to be ok. You want to feel that the baby is wanted. I think he's just concerned about how his daughter is going to feel. However, the comments about you trying to hinder the relationship that they have are uncalled for, how hurtful. Please don't take your hurt out on the daughter. How about talking with her about it more? How about getting her more involved and letting her help you pick out things for the nursery and looking through baby name books with you. Maybe if he sees her getting excited about getting a brother or sister, it will ease his fears of her feeling replaced and he will become more supportive.

Answer 7

He might just be worried that he wont have time for his first daughter anymore, just tell him over and over again that you dont want to get inbetween them and that he will have time, and that you just want to be a family,
Have you tried talking to his first daughter about now she feels about the new baby?
tell her that you love the fact that she is close to her father and that this new baby will just be an addition not a replacment, and when the baby is here, let her help so she feels involved!
Hope that helps. Good Luck!
coco xx

Answer 8

Very strange.. Makes me think he has a problem with you being pregnant.. Ask him if he would just like for you to go to your local child support office & set up his payment for the next 18 years.

Answer 9

I've been through this, sort of. My husband has two older sons, one whom he is close with, and the other he isn't so much (different moms). We got custody of the one is close to a week after my first was born.

Most guys won't show much excitement. They're pretty disconnected from all the stuff going on, and for the most part, they're content to let us find all the info and pass it on to them. It's great that he's being supportive, though! It will be more real for him after the baby is born. It will also be more real after he is able to feel some kicks.

As for his comments about pulling him away from his daughter, it sounds to me like he is voicing his own fears. He is probably worried that he won't feel the same about his daughter after this baby is born, or that he won't get the same time to spend with her from having to help with the baby.

As a mother of 3 (including my stepson, I have been helping to raise him since he was 1 and he is now 7.5), I can say, yes, he will have enough love to go around.

You're pregnant, your hormones are running rampant, take anything he says like this with a grain of salt. When the baby is born, see if his daughter will want to help with the baby in anyway, stressing the big job of "big sister." Like, have her pick out which outfits the baby wears, help with baths if she is old enough. If she's younger, she can help by getting diapers or blankets for the baby.

Like I said, I've been around my stepson for 6.5 years, and even now, I still have times when I get jealous of how much time my husband spends with him, vs. the younger kids (2.5 and 1). However, I am still forgetting that he feels like he has less options for real play with the younger kids, although he is doing more with our 2 year old.

Jealousy is normal. Just don't let it consume you. Assure the baby's father that you have no intentions of pulling him and his daughter apart, and that you can't wait to see how great both of them will be with the new baby.


I've found this poem before, and while it's written from a mother's perspective with her second child, maybe it's something that will help your husband:


As I hold your hand basking in the glow of our magical relationship,
I suddenly feel a kick from within,
as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder:
How could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me,
as you've never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way,
"Please love only me."
And I hear myself telling you in mine,
"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing,
I find myself attached to that new being,
and feeling almost guilty.
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him.
--as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change,
first to curiosity, then to protectiveness,
finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine.

The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.
There are new times--only now, we are three.
I watch the love between you grow,
the way you look at each other,
touch each other.
I watch how he adores you--as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you,
I've given something to you.
I noticed that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered,
to my amazement...
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you--
only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time,
I now know you'll never share my love.
There's enough of that for both of you
--you each have your own supply.
I love you--both
and I thank you for blessing my life

Answer 10

Sweetie just face it, daughters will always be crapped on by father. I should know from experience. They want boys. SO MY ADVISE LEAVE THE BASTARD! HAVING CHILDREN IS SO OVERRATED.