If you were married for 18 years to a man, had a wonderful marriage and supported him through layoffs, job moves and had a daughter.
He deployed and began an affair. He took leave and went to see the girl before coming home. When I found out, he broke things off with her. They ended up talking again and he asked me for a divorce.
When he returned, he went back and forth between us. Thanksgiving with her, Christmas at home, New years with her. He listened to me cry for hours on the phone when he was with her.
Our daughter ended up cutting herself, and he still didn't let the woman go. He said he tried to, but he couldn't.
This has been going on for over a year. He has lied about talking to the girl, but I found emails from her.
I finally kicked him out but we are still working on our marriage. He acts suspicious at times, and I think the other girl is still in the picture. What is wrong with me? With him? With us? Why are we fighting so hard?
2007-01-01 02:48:25 · 29 answers · asked by blue eyes 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The fact that you are even fighting at all is because you wont let him go. He has made it obvious to you, that he is in love with someone else. But he feels guilt, which is why he is pretending to work on your marriage. I say pretending, because he is still seeing this woman. If you can't be strong for you, you need to be strong for you and your daughter. Let him go. It will never be the same again, you will never be able to trust him. Even your daughter, will probably wonder if he will do something like that to you again. You've been through a lot with this man, have been there, and it's totally messed up that he would do this to you, don't let him continue to hurt you, and your daughter. Don't live on false hope.
2007-01-01 02:59:16 · answer #1 · answered by Lovebug123 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Fighting needs to end. It is destroying whatever you two have left together along with your daughter. Wrenching time but you have to be the rock. Your husband is a mid life disaster flitting from wanting to stay with you two and going to this fresh inspiration. "For Better or For Worse, Sickness & In Health" Yes, this is the worse and if you stay calm you can at, the least, do some salvage of the better. Since he is still undecided - grab an opportunity to see a marriage counselor. Yes, the whole betrayal, infidelity is a bitter, hurting pill but try to look at why, after 18 yrs, he has let himself into this. Not a blame thing - an underlying motivation. Maybe through a good counselor you two can find ground to hold on to your marriage and sort this all through. Persistence & patience will find resolution - maybe not the one that any of you envision but one you can all cope with.
2007-01-01 03:13:57 · answer #2 · answered by Quest 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
whats wrong with u is u are still in this denial thing, your not facing the truth, he acts suspicious because he is still seeing her. whats wrong here is that u fear the future, u fear moving forward, and u are afraid if u set boundaries and make him leave, that he will choose her and the marriage will end. but so what if it ends, u got nothing anyway with him. he wants to be with this woman, he can't focus on u or your marriage as long as this woman is in his life. give him the divorce, get some therapy, stop blaming yourself, he is who he is and u can't change him, he was telling u the truth he just can't let her go, so let him go unless u like all the unrest, and pain in your life. put this man in your past and move on. this isn't about u, u did not cause it, his choices and low morals did. u are fighting because u know in your heart he is still with her, even if only emotionally. u have to let him finish what he begun, have to let him see for himself what he wants, he may never come back and be the husband he once was, or he may. fighting only makes it worse, distance yourself from him, let him have her, as this is the only way he will find out what he wants out of life. think u have suffered enough hurt and humiliation from this man and his home wrecking girlfriend, and deserve at least to know one way or the other, even if u have to end it yourself. good luck.
2007-01-01 03:11:44 · answer #3 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems obvious that your husband's affair and the past year of trying to work on things is taking a huge toll on your daughter, so you need to try something different. If you haven't tried counseling, try that, otherwise I think it's time to let it go. It's admirable that you would fight so hard to save your marriage, but it sounds like he is just walking all over you, willing to be selfish as long as he thinks he can get away with it. Get a backbone, give him an ultimatum, stick to your guns, don't argue or fight or cry in front of your daughter anymore! If he isn't man enough to do what's right for her, then you need to step up to the plate and be the woman and the man, and show her how to cope with life's crap with better skills than cutting herself. Maybe she needs counseling too. Best of Luck to you, BE STRONG.
2007-01-01 03:08:22 · answer #4 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only thing I'd like to tell you is this,if you don't woman up and ditch this poor excuse of a man then your daughter will forever think she is tied to a man and her life and sanity will be tied to a mans ways.What is wrong with you?that man is doing what you and this other woman allow him to do and your daughter isn't being taught that her life is her own and not valued by what man she's with.Come on ,why even give this man another day in your heart.Save your daughter first by showing her that he's a cheat and although she is free to love her dad you will not tolerate any disrespect form any one let alone the man you are supposed to depend on.Woman up and stand up for that girl and show her that we good women can do fine without the mess of a weak man.
2007-01-01 03:06:08 · answer #5 · answered by punkin 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I dont want to start out by saying that you are stupid, but you are definitely not thinking straight. You dont have a marriage. If he isn't putting you first and your child second, DING,DING you don't have a marriage. Dry your tears go see and attorney and let the other women have him, he has already left you anyway. If you are sharing him, during the holidays (don't belittle yourself), let her have him. See your attorney, make a strong financial plan and hope that she loves him because you TAKE everything else!!!!!!!! As a matter of fact, hope that their love is strong, becasue yu plan on taking everything else.
Get medical excuses about the stress this is causing you and your daughter, get excuses from work, consult a psychiatriast, do whatever. Wipe him out, let her have him, kiss him goodbye,say happy trails and stop letting him see you cry.
No it wont be easy, but if you have to beg for a man that was yours for 18-20 years, .............dont let him see you break. To the left, to the left ...........Everything that you own (he owns)in a box to the left.. Strengthen yourself. Listen to the new song by Beyonce.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE seek counseling for your daughter right away. She is the most valuable and precious person in your life. Call a Help Line TODAY,
2007-01-01 03:04:42 · answer #6 · answered by vboogee 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have been with the same man for 15 years and I assure you I would not tolerate what you have been tolerating for the past year or more. He has shown he can not be trusted. He has also shown he wants his cake and to eat it too. We all know it doesnt work that way. As painful as it is, it is time to cut your losses and call it a day with this man. He will never change and it will never be the same for you 2. He is a cheater and he will cheat again....if not with her, than with someone else.
2007-01-01 03:22:09 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take charge. What do you want? It isn't about him anymore. It is about you and your daughter. He has you on a string.
IMHO the marriage is over. You need a lawyer and start filing for divorce.
Tough words, I know but you will get over this. You will heal and be stronger than ever. In fact, you will end up emotionally stronger than him. Your daughter needs counselling as do you. It is a tough road but you will find a place of peace. He doesn't deserve you and you certainly do not deserve to be treated like this.
Best of luck
2007-01-01 03:02:40 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
yeah, just move on.. He doesnt seem to be happy with you, and seems like he has formed an attatchment to the other woman.. You cant hang on to his arm and cry, b/c its not going to change his mind.. A person can really only do what makes them happy, especially in a midlife crises. Dont punish yourself or your daughter by trying to hold on to someone that will not give you 100% of themself. You deserve 100% of someone, not 50%. you are a person just like anyone else.. and a lot of ppl go through what you are going through...
I know it hurts, but you have to put your daughter and yourself in the Number one position right now.
2007-01-01 02:54:56 · answer #9 · answered by yo mama 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
once a cheater, always a cheater. if you stay with him, you will always be suspicious...even if he just runs to the store for milk! let him go, i know it's hard after having such a long history together, but you deserve some happiness and peace of mind....you'll never have that with him. even if you are alone for a while, it's much better than being "alone" on a marriage. life's too short for such happiness. take your daughter and leave the loser behind.
2007-01-01 03:16:23 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋