We've been married 5yrs, together 7 last sept. In Aug of 04 He cheated, and a child was born. I have accepted this child into my life and we have about 50% visitation. It was supposedlly a One nighter with babymama, and we went to counseling and we're on the road to recovery. He didn't want anything to do w/ daughter, b/c he didn't want to deal w/ the mom, etc. He went to counseling alone for his issues also. I pushed the issue b/c I didn't want to be w/ someone who could ignore his own child. So, we went to court, and we have visitation, and he pays CS.
My issues are that he helps me w/ absolutely nothing around the house, our appt. is a wreck b/c I work full time also and have found myself depressed and overwhelmed. My other issue is that I want a child of my own eventually and he is dead set against it now b/c he already has one. I told him that's unfair, but then I think do I really want a child w/ this man anyway? He doesn't help w/ **** and he's not responsible.
2007-01-01 01:57:09 · 40 answers · asked by SweetasCandy 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
When I talk to him about my problems (housework, etc.) he seems concerned but does nothing. He sleeps on the couch most nights, and we rarely make love. He watches way too much porn and when I tell him how I feel about that, he tells me every man does it... Not DAILY. I feel that he does not respect me as his wife, and will talk bad about me to his friends. He acts like a child, and is a very selfish man. I have told him that bothers me also and he makes no attempt to be unselfish. I don't feel like genuinely cares for me the way I want to be loved and cared for, if that makes sense. I get the general feeling that this is not who I'm supposed to be with. I've invested 7 yrs of my life for what? For my general unhappiness...The only thing keeping me here really is his daughter. I love her to pieces. I always wanted kids, and I love spending time with her. I just don't think he knows how lucky he really is... I took him back after he cheated and had a child w/ someone else.
2007-01-01 02:02:34 · update #1
You guys are making me cry at work dammit...LOL. I know in my heart that I love him but I'm 27 and I find myself often asking if this is how I want to spend the rest of my life.... I've repeatedly talked to him about helping around the house. Repeatedly talked to him about lots of things. Take for example 2 xmas'es ago. We each would spend 50.00 on each other. I bought him a karaoke machine + went over budget. He bought me a $10 jewelry box and a remote control holder from kmart, and spend the other 25.00 on himself. I found the receipts. This xmas he bought me this huge teddybear which was cute but not practical at all considering this tiny apt. I bought him the dvd set he wanted. I think that I will open an bank account for me only, and begin saving. I am just tired. I don't want to leave and be financially screwed, but I am so overwhelmed...so sad. I just need to find the courage to leave. It's going to be so hard to leave 7 yrs of my life behind. I love him but ......
2007-01-01 02:19:08 · update #2
To me, unfortunately it sounds like this relationship cannot work. He sounds extremely irresponsible and self-centered. It's awful that he leaves you feeling overwhelmed all the time and refuses to help out. But, the biggest thing to me is that he will not "allow" you to have a child. Most women wish to conceive a child at some point in their lives and if you truly want a child and he doesn't, then you are not compatible at all. A child is the only gift we have for the future and you have the right to decide for yourself.
2007-01-01 02:02:01 · answer #1 · answered by SchrodingersTigress 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was married for 28 years. Maybe I can help a little.
Once a cheat always a cheat. My ex cheated on me once at the beginning and I chose to forgive.(never forget) We went on for a long while with the agreement that if this occurred again that I would get a divorce. Well it happened again in the end of our marriage. I of course got the divorce. He thought I was bluffing.
Well he found out how serious I was when it became final.
Through all this we are still friends and I wish him all the luck in the world. I still love my ex but I only see a future through our children.
My advice is to start that account in your name only and don't give him access to it no matter how he can pout about it. You will need this to begin your future without him.(if you choose)
You also need to question if this was the way he was raised?
Men do nothing around the house. From the men I know they think it is emasculating. That doesn't mean that they can't do it and actually enjoy it. Doing housework together can be stimulating. I have had alot of good times that way.
Good Luck to you and I know this is not easy.
Take care of yourself and Happy New Year
2007-01-01 02:43:17 · answer #2 · answered by kellyfl59 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think people should just easily get divorced as I believe in vows and making a marriage work - however, I would just give up on this loser and leave what a total waste of space - you deserve soooo much better - good luck
Additional Info: Do you know what - it is so easy for us to tell you what to do, please remember that most of us have actually been through these situations and that's why we are offering you advice. Only you can decide, you know you are unhappy and you love this man. You won't have wasted 7 years of your life you will have grown and matured to know what you want for your future. You need to be with someone who will treat you with respect, love you and care for you and WHEN you meet him you will feel sooo loved and then you can consider having a child in a loving relationship - all the best for your future
2007-01-01 02:00:49 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He doesn't seem like the settling down type. He seems scared of having to look after anything and to be honest I think that if he will not help around the house and you cannot care for a house then you're going to find it very difficult bringing up a child with this man. I'm not being nasty by saying this but imagine having a child with him and then finding yourself doing everything! He's making you unhappy, or the situation is and I cannot see it getting any better.
2007-01-01 02:02:11 · answer #4 · answered by Sami 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First I'd try to sit down with him and talk about the issues.
About how you need more help at home, about how you want a child etc.
If nothing seems to help, and he's not willing to help at home or think twice about having a child with you, I would consider it.
There is no point in pushing for such a major decision in life as having a child, so if one of you want one and the other doesn't, it might be the deal breaker.
2007-01-01 02:02:18 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes. You should. I am so sorry, but please listen when I say this: get out. Don't waste another year with this man.
I am in a horrible little marriage myself, some of the same issues, a few others as well. The longer you stay, the harder it gets to leave. YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. If he won't help with the housework, you will not get any help with the child.
Best wishes.
2007-01-01 02:14:45 · answer #6 · answered by ssc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Think about everything you said and the answer is in there. You were the one who did right by the child if it would have been left up to him he would have been a deadbeat dad. And you still want a child with this guy? Maybe you should consider a divorce and find someone who feels the same way you do about wanting a family. Or you will end up in "her" shoes.
2007-01-01 02:03:21 · answer #7 · answered by *queenfairy1*Antioch California 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get out while you can! It's never going to get any better then it is because he doesn't want to change or even want to admit that a problem exists. I've been there and done that myself I was with someone for 12 years, married to them for 7 and from my experiance, it just goes on and on until someone gets hurt or worse and someone explodes and says enough is enough. I was living that life. He rarely did anything but drink and try to hurt me or himself. I kept trying to help and always thought it would get better. But it didn't. He is a very destructive person to me and himself. I finally had enough after he threatened me the last time and now are getting divorced. It's the best thing I could have done for myself and my life. My advice to you is GET OUT!
2007-01-01 02:45:41 · answer #8 · answered by BETH S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you've answered your own question! But, to summarize, are you willing to invest more time and energy into the relationship with the slim chance that he will eventually mature into the person that you need and want?
My advice to you is to seek counseling for yourself. In the meantime, don't get pregnant or make any other irrevocable decisions!
I don't know how old you are - but there's always hope and your future and that of your unborn children depends on what you do now. Get help!
2007-01-01 02:04:48 · answer #9 · answered by themainsail 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why would you want a child with this man based on your experience i would def put that off. you guys got married for a reason and even tho he messed up - you're working thru it now. i suggest you let it all hang out in therapy ~ and see what the therapist says. give your marriage a chance and a time frame. if things dont improve within this time frame then sure - cut your losses and move on. but dont give him an ultimatum (never works). a good marriage is work. even tho neither of you seem ready to commit - you have already committed so see it thru to the best of your ability. if it fails you know you did your best and that's all anyone can expect of you including yourself
2007-01-01 02:05:19 · answer #10 · answered by bbq 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋