My father in law is 74 and just approached my husband and I after the holidays about moving in with us. He currently lives out of state. He is independant now but wants to have new living arrangements. My husband and I have a large house and no children so between the two sibling we are his choice. I am not comfortable with this as when he visits he expects to be waited on hand and foot and expects me to start cooking for him as soon as I walk in the door from work. In short, he is difficult and chauvinistic. I don't look forward to the short term visits and anything long term would be a strain. My husband told him that if it were up to him it would be ok but he would he would talk to me about it and would let him know. So now I'm but in a very difficult position between the two.
2007-01-01 01:48:51 · 14 answers · asked by Simone 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He is quite wealthy and can afford housing anywhere
2007-01-01 02:34:41 · update #1
All of us will grow and become old, making him happy, means ur husband is happy too, in addition of the rewards you get from helping the elderly, we cannot throw them in the street and break their heart, remember he is ur husband father and he looked after him well when he was small, so accepting him as positive rather negative will give u satisfaction, but it is not easy iam telling u, i used to have my father in law, but remeber how long they will live on this earth, good luck dear.
2007-01-01 01:54:35 · answer #1 · answered by alsawsana 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
One, your husband should have consulted you first before putting you in between and an easy scapegoat to saying no to his father later on. If you can't stand the man, just let your husband know. But be warned that he may actually utter out words like "She said blah blah blah"...so be very prepared for that. If he doesnt have the balls to take responsibility at this point in your lives..imiagine what he'd be like when he is 74.
The ultimate decision is really for the two of you to make. I dont understand why some older people push themselves to living with their children. My grandparents are well into their 80s but they dont live with any of their children or grandchildren. They go to Florida for the Winter duration and they have a cottage north in the summer time. They may stay with a son or daughter while in the city for 1 or 2 days but they like their alone time.
Just to talk to your husband and explain to him your concerns. If he insists on having his father move, then you have to allow it on a number of conditions INCLUDING a care-taker for him that will come out of his salary to wait on your father-in-law hand and foot. He may quickly change his mind!
2007-01-01 01:59:44 · answer #2 · answered by Clock Watcher 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you do allow this person in your home, before he moves in..I would be providing him with a "printed" list of rules that he will follow since this is indeed YOUR house.
Talk to your husband, tell him how uncomfortable you feel about this and how your father in law treats you. If he fusses, then ask him if it's really worth breaking up your marriage for,because this will definately be putting a strain on it for you.
Chances are the other of your father in law's family woudln't put up with his BS and that's why he chose you. If you show him he's not going to be in control, he may very well change his mind. Tell him you don't appreciate the way he's chauvinistic around you. You've got to nip this in the bud before it ruins your marriage, and it will.
2007-01-01 01:56:37 · answer #3 · answered by Voice 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you outright say no than your husband may resent you for it. Think if it was your father asking.
Sit down with your husband and work out an agreement if you do let him stay. Give it a probation period of say like a month to see how it goes. Let your husband know up front that you will not be a maid or servant. Let him know that he will have to be the main caretaker for his father with your help.
Good Luck on whatever you decide. When it come to immediate family you really have to think it out before you act.
2007-01-01 02:25:28 · answer #4 · answered by AngelWings 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If he is independent he should find his own place to live and hiire a maid. Because it sounds like that is what he wants from you. Does your husband help out with the cooking and cleaning? If not then you would have 2 to take care of and probably would grow to resent them both.
2007-01-01 01:57:57 · answer #5 · answered by mnwomen 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest 6mths with you guys and 6mths with the other guys it is only fair to do this. I would also tell my husband my concerns and what I will not be doing so he can tell his father and he will not expect a maid service when he gets there. It will be very difficult to adjust to but I would at least try because I love my husband. I would also let him (father-in-law) know every time he did something that bothered me and just maybe he will change his ways.
2007-01-01 02:00:24 · answer #6 · answered by livlafluv 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your husband just disrespected you big time. He acted like a turd for saying it was OK by him. Absolutely do not allow the guy to move in with you. And, tell him the reasons--check that, you husband needs to tell him the reasons. AND, your husband needs to know that he'd be very very sorry if his father did move in because it would make you utterly miserable and, if momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY going to be happy. Your husband doesn't know which side of his bread is buttered and you need to wise him up on that score pronto.
BTW, your husband can say, "We've talked about it and, after thinking and talking about it, I see that it wouldn't work."
2007-01-01 02:26:56 · answer #7 · answered by DelK 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If you do let him come and stay you need to talk to both of them together, and make it clear that you are not going to be waiting on him hand and foot. It is your husbands father so you should help with him, my father came to stay with me one time and my husband helped so much that I fell in love all over again. I couldn't believe it when my father would try to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and he fell down I woke up and found my husband in the bathroom lifting my father up off the floor saying its ok . let me help you, next time call for me and i will help you in here. He also never allowed me to go into the bathroom and help my father, he said My father shouldn't have to feel ashamed for his daughter to see him like that. I have never forgotten all the wonderful things he said and did for my dad. Try to be there for your husband it will be long appreciated I'm sure.
2007-01-01 02:14:36 · answer #8 · answered by *queenfairy1*Antioch California 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I would build on a flatlet with a self contained kitchenette for his own use and give him his own space. I would make it clear that you need time alone but would welcome him to share the costs and some but not all time together.. Lay down the rules from the word go and tell him he must get a person to come in at least twice a week to clean his premises. Be respectful and nice about it, but make it clear you and your hubby are an item and he allowed you to leave and cleave when you got married and he must not interfere in your lives. GIve him a chance.
2007-01-01 02:09:00 · answer #9 · answered by uniquechild 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I would let him move in. Once he is a part of the household, you no longer have to treat him like a guest. Discuss with your husband that you will not be doing his father's laundry or cleaning his room or cleaning up after him. Also, let him know that you will not be waiting on his father. If his dad still wants to move in under your terms, so be it.
You may even learn to like him a little more.
2007-01-01 01:54:40 · answer #10 · answered by Firespider 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋