Husband won't do his share of housework?

Question

My husband and I have been married almost 2 years and we have a 8 month old son. I love him dearly and he loves me very much too. He got laid off from a job 3 months ago and has been working hard trying to find another job. He stays home to watch our son when I work 3 days 12 hour shifts. Is it too much to ask that he help out around the house. He says that he worked really hard but the house doesn't look any better. He had 12 hours to get something done. He states that he works better when I work with him. He gets distracted. Which he does but does that mean I have to earn the dough, pay the bills, and clean the house and his mess from the days that I work. Just really frustrated. He finally did some work last night but that was after I got pissed at him. He ruined our New Years Eve together beacuse I feel he was too busy being lazy during the day. I realize that he is watching our son but I do just fine during the week cleaning and watching him. Please help, very frustrated.

Answer 1

Most of the time, I believe the housework is the woman's job.

However, if he is NOT working and you are - then the game changes. While he is home, he is the homemaker and has responsibilities to keep the house up to speed and cooking done. However, homemaking is probably a new thing - and it might be emasculating to a degree, so you may need to mentor him. Good luck.

Answer 2

You are not alone. I work 5 days a week and between lunch (1 hour unpaid) and my commute, I'm gone about 12 hours each day. I am also on call 24/7. My husband is an EMT and usually works two 24 hour shifts during the week. We have a 6 y/o and a 10 month old. We also have a cat and a (big) dog - in a 720 sq ft, 2-br, 1 bath home. Needless to say, the housework piles up.

That being said, the housework should be shared. We've gotten into this argument more times than I like to think about. Here's what I've learned - bitching and nagging will get you NOWHERE. Trust me, I've been doing it for 4 years. If anything, it makes him resent you.

Life is not fair, but it's also not worth being angry all the time. Whatever he doesn't do, do it yourself. Don't ***** about it, just do it. Find another outlet for your frustration. If you feel like coming home and sitting down, let it go another day - it's not going to hurt anything. Just think, if he gets pissed off and leaves, you'll be stuck with it all anyway. Hopefully, if he sees you doing everything, he'll feel guilty and pitch in. If not, I'm not sure what to tell you other than, you married a lazy dude.

Also, the more you nag and *****, the less he WANTS to do it. If he's doing it because HE wants to, he's more likely to do it. Make sure you are appreciative when he does things, men need this (just as we want to feel loved and appreciated). It comes down to treating him the way you'd want to be treated. Don't fight fire with fire. It may take time, but if you follow this, eventually you will get what you want (or you'll at least see how he really is).

So in short, nagging him is not the answer - it only makes him as resentful as you are. It will take time, and I'm not saying it will be easy for you, but any time you want to freak out on him, stop, count to ten and remember it may make you feel better short-term, but it will not solve your problem. Don't let something as trivial as housework ruin your life, marriage and happiness.

Good luck.

Answer 3

"He ruined our New Years Eve together beacuse I feel he was too busy being lazy during the day" It was your feelings that ruined the day, not his laziness ... that said, I recognize your frustration, but badgering him does nothing for his confidence for job hunting and may in the long run create a problem for him finding work. The real issue here is not his "share of the housework" but his being unemployed since this issue didn't exist when he was working. In my opinion, the houswork should have been shared since the beginning of the marriage, so that this would not be a new issue for him to face when he is trying to find a job. ... the one thing he DOESN'T need is more pressure to achieve on top of job hunting. While i realize this concept may seem unfair to you, i suggest you both do the housework together so that the teamwork of marriage is established and you may find that the reward is that he will continue to help with it when he is back to work. Being unemployed is not only frustrating, it is a real confidence killer.

Answer 4

Your husband cannot help the place where he is now and you should be more respectful towards him. He loves you. Maybe housework is not his forte. Most men are not too good at housework. Buy the book LOVE AND RESPECT and apply what you read about the woman and he will naturally follow. THe book is excellent. Please dont misunderstand me, but when a guy has lost his job he loses face. Try not to be a demanding person at least be glad you child is having a parent at home all day and lets face it a small baby does take up a lot of ones time. HE alos needs time to go job hunting!

Things will come right. Its hard being the bread winner, just be wise. If you dont nag, he will automatically do what you ask. Just respect him and tell him you respect him. Respect is a command for all woman in the bible. Read ephesians GOd commands men to love their wives as they love themselves and commands women to repecttheir husbands UNCONDITIONALLY
Read that book its written by Dr Emerson Eggerichs (Love and Respect) I wish I had it when I was a newly married wife. It has made a great difference to our marriage.

Good luck and GOd bless your future together.

Answer 5

At some level you guy MUST know he' should do housework, right? If not, you may need a counselor, minister, priest, or other third party to explain the facts of relationship to him. It IS a TWO-WAY, give and take, each-carry-part-of-the-load deal. And, much as he hates doing "women's work" it's what he needs to do now. If you could get him over the psychological block, hump that real guys don't do housework, he'd probably get into it--either that or he'd find another job. He needs to do one or the other. One lever you might use is that "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" and lay that on him very, very hard until he gets the message.
PS: Don't make the standards too high so that he'll fail at it.

Answer 6

Sounds like your husband may be a bit depressed which does cause laziness. Try to perk up his spirits and reward him (with affection and love making) when he does help you with housework. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate in working and being a mommy of an 8 month old. Be strong and be positive. Maybe you should help him find a job. Just look over the classifieds. He is probably too depressed and down in the dumps to even look- he can't help his condition. Once he finds a job, your normal life will resume. Be patient,persistent, strong and positive.

Answer 7

there are a couple of things that could be bothering him....., being laid off may have put him in slight depression....and he may not realize it, therefore he may not feel like doing housework..... or he may feel entitled to just sit around because he has worked so hard prior to being laid off.......Its definitely not too much to ask that he help out more.......you could try relating to his problem......tell him that you understand that there is just "not enough time" in a day to get things done , between taking care of the baby and the house...... and you could also try using reverse psychology on him...., say something like....."look honey/sweety/sugarplum while you're home , I dont care if you dont do anything else around the house today , but please just make sure the " fill in the chore or chores here" gets done...... I like coming home to a house with clean.....fill in the blank......, try that....you may have to rephrase it to fit you situation....., after saying that enough times ........you may not even have to say the " I dont care part of it"......just say can you please do this today..........oh yeah....when you get home and the chore that you asked is cleaned ....act really surprised and appreciative.....

Answer 8

Well,
I would talk to him about. I find that I can talk to my fiance when she has cooled down I guess you could say. We both work out our differences. Sometimes I don't even realize things until I am told them. I would talk and see if something can be made. Like make a calender of who does what. Me and my fiance have an easle board that works very well, especially since I forget a lot (not purposelly). We right things down that need to get done, I do the things I know I can do well, and she does the things that I may not know anything of, like putting away certain things that I don't know were they go. It works for me. Hope it helps.

Wee Man.

Answer 9

Make him a list of things to do. If he does not know how to do these chores, show him. Then tell him when you are at work, he doesn't need to think you are going to come home and hold his hand while he does these chores. And in between this, he better be trying to find another job!

Answer 10

If he was laid off then he should be drawing unemployment checks so he is contributing to the household. Maybe his mommy should leave him a list of chores to be done before she leaves for work. You work a whole 36 hours a week. WOW!!!! Maybe you should consider taking another part-time job to help out. If New Years was ruined as you say it's not really his fault it's your own for letting the small stuff get to you.