Hopefully I can give you the basic question with as little info as possible. Depression runs in my family. I've been in and out of it my whole life, w/various medications.I was diagnosed w/fibromyalgia a few years ago,(to add to my fun --& most people think this is a made-up disease). My husband knew everything about my mental health since I met him in 1990. I love him so much, but the last year or so, when I had too many sad things happen it has been bad. Somewhere around 11/06 it has come back. He is losing his patience and I can understand him getting frustrated, it's human, but I also have tried to tell him how sad and scared I am. He ends up yelling at me. That happened one too many times last week.Threatened to drop me off at a mental hospital-which he knows is one of my worst fears. If I lose him, I'm done. Any advice on making him get that I'm not using it as an excuse to be lazy?He seems so dissapointed in me and that's saddest of all. ANY advice would help. This is bad.
2006-12-31 23:54:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Ouch. That sounds like a hard situation. I've actually read your post many times now, and had to leave and come back, because it hits too close to home.
Your husband has no right to be yelling at you. That's just wrong. It's especially unsupportive and unloving right now, when you need him to help you deal with your health problems. Threatening you with something he knows that you fear is low-down and dirty.
Would he be acting this way if you had cancer? Seriously - ask him that. Would he? Because depression is every bit as real, and as serious.
I know this because something all too similar happened to me. Before I met my daughter's father, I was severely depressed and actually tried to kill myself. I got out of the hospital, but I didn't really get to the root causes of my depression. I got off the medication, met W, married him, and we had our beautiful girl, K, in 1990. He knew from our first date that I'd had a problem with depression - I'd only been out of the hospital a few months then, and figured he should know. He said he didn't have a problem with it.
I got more and more depressed, though, and by the time K was almost a year old, I was nearly suicidal again. Because I owed it to her to live and be around to mother her, I checked myself into the hospital. It ended our marriage, because he insisted that it was "just an expensive vacation." I had a good job, telecommuting for my former employer (we'd moved across the state for a job W wanted, in a podunk town with no work opportunities for me), and I lost that, too - they couldn't let that work go undone for a whole month. So I really did feel like I was "done," but I also didn't have any real choice if I was going to live for K.
So I got out of the hospital, was divorced within a few months, lost primary custody of my daughter for a few years, lost my job, and moved back across the state with nothing. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia right after that, too.
However, I did finally get real help for my depression, and I did get better. I'm still on meds for it. I got a new job within a week of starting to look for one. I got an apartment and reconnected with old friends. I found that the depression wasn't nearly as much of a problem without W constantly nitpicking and yelling at me for having the wrong expression on my face, or because K had put fingerprints on the glass patio door I'd just cleaned earlier that day, or just because he happened to feel like yelling.
After I got past the worst of the depression, W wanted me back. When I said no he wanted to have another child together even if we didn't remarry (I said no to that, too, of course). I asked him the same thing I suggested that you ask your husband - Would he have treated me the same thing if I'd had cancer? He insisted that it wasn't the same at all.
W remarried a few months after my last refusal to get back together with him. He was in the midst of another divorce when he was diagnosed with leukemia. He died, alone, in 1999. I've always found that rather ironic.
What you need to do is to take care of yourself without regard to what your husband says. Get counseling. Get medications. Get inpatient care if it's necessary. Get decent care for your fibromyalgia - as you may know, your FMS symptoms will be worse when you're under a lot of stress, and you obviously are.
Are you part of an FMS support group? If not, see if there's one in your area. If you aren't sure of how to find one, let me know where you are and I'll be happy to check around for you.
The first linked site is mine, about fibromyalgia. The second is a great support group for families and individuals dealing with depression. It's possible that some of their material may get through to your husband - and even if it doesn't, their symptom tracker is wonderful. Contact them, please. They're good people.
Good luck to you, and please - let me and other people help you, as best we can.
2007-01-02 13:29:22 · answer #1 · answered by TechnoMom 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi I understand depression very well, those around you that don't understand it have never actually experienced the depth of your sadness. I feel for you. The big question is are you taking any medication for the depression. I wonder if you could ask him to sit down and read some of the information that is written on the Internet special web pages that are designed to give further explanation of what the depression is. Has your type of depression been diagnosed ? Another thing that you might do is bring him to the doctors with you. The doctor might have in layman's terms pamphlets that might be able to help him understand just what it is that you are going through.
I praise you in seeking advise, the best manner is through therapy and maybe bring him along with you if he is interested.
Yelling at you doesn't help the situation. It further increases your stress factors and anxiety. I sure hope that this helps
A mental hospital is not always the right solution.
Ask him to help instead of yell at you.
greater understanding of depression is required.
Good Luck And Happy New Year.
I hope all good things come your way.
Negative thoughts often are stronger than the Positive ones.
I feel for you I really do and sorry for the new prognosis on Fibro.
he needs further info on this disease as well.
2007-01-01 09:10:07 · answer #2 · answered by Spirit_Rain_3-SunShineAries 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In many ways, my situation mirrors yours...
do the best you can and get some other kinds of help, maybe se about getting some medical help, seek counselling, together and seperately, and maybe most importantly of all, find another person to confide these feelings to...it does become hard to deal with someone else's depression..like a counsellor or someone, not a friend or family member as they may not be objective enough to offer real support and/or may have judgements about your situation...
You are not done if you lose him, he knew what the story was when you got together...you can go on and get better, I promise...
I know you are in a very scared, vulnerable place right now...depression can be a very isolating thing, especially if friends and family don't get what you are going through...
Just take things one day at a time, it's all you can do...
Also, be careful of falling into the trap of using the disorder to explain away everything or as a reason or excuse...I'm not saying you are, I'm just saying that people who don't suffer from these things can sometimes think that we are using it as a crutch or copout to get out of doing what needs to be done in life. Which is totally not true in most cases but, unfortunately it is a sweeping judgement that a lot of people do have...
Remember as well that over the holidays depression symptoms can worsen and be compounded by stress, yours and your partners...this is not an excuse, it is just the fact of the matter...
I hope you feel better soon...
2007-01-01 08:17:23 · answer #3 · answered by nackawicbean 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What has helped your depression in the past? Usually what has helped before will help again. Also you said it began in November. Do you feel it coming on more in late fall? It could be seasonal affective disorder. I have problems with that. It hit me suddenly during several drab days in early November. Bam! The sleeping all the time, the tiredness and lack of energy, bawling alot, not being able to eat. My husband is wonderful and I feel so guilty. I don't work and I don't want to have sex. He works ten hours a day, gets up and does the dishes and cleans up the house. I feel like a horrible wife. The only advice I can give you is to ask your husband to read up on depression. People who don't have problems with it don't really understand it.
2007-01-01 08:10:20 · answer #4 · answered by DawnDavenport 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Will he go to counseling with you? As long as your depression and health is in the forefront, it's easy to blame you for all the issues, even his and the communication problems, etc. The best thing you can do for him is to work on yourself, and for him to work on his reaction to your health issues. You both need professional support from therapy. Also, start setting small goals for yourself, ones that can be done in 1/2 hour intervals, and don't add new projects and responsibilities to your present ones. Prioritize. If your love bond is strong, you can learn to change the things you can change, and focus on those for now. It will become a habit. Pain makes it hard to work physically. Can your doctor explain your symptoms to him. Husbands will accept an outsider's info more than the wife's, for some odd reason that puzzles me.
2007-01-01 08:22:08 · answer #5 · answered by ? 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you need to find a counselor to work with both of you.
He's probably not fed up. Its probably more that he feels he's had "the life sucked out of him". There's a difference.
When you live with someone who is always depressed or always sick, no matter how much you care or how much you understand, there's a point where your own human-ness and need to just kind of feel not weighted down kicks in and makes you feel exhausted.
You can know in your head it isn't the other person's fault. You can feel horrible for them that they're afflicted with something. Even so, though, every human has some basic need to just not have to feel weighted down every minute of every day.
Your husband could be depressed himself at this point. When you live with someone who is sick long-term you can keep wishing and believing things will improve. As time goes on, it doesn't; and hope starts to fade. You can try to make that depressed person happy, but it never works. You can look at other people and see that they do normal things and have normal happiness together, and you realize that you will not have any number of those normal things because of the illness.
As the healthy person, it is always about the sick person's medication, good days, doctor visits, pain, needs, unhappiness, etc. It is usually not about the healthy person - ever. The healthy person may not need much, but a certain amount of normal is what everyone needs; and the constant and draining challenge of trying to figure out to make someone else happier and realizing one's life will probably never be normal can wear away at people.
It is very difficult to look out at the world and know you'll never be a part of so many normal things, even though you, yourself, are normal.
The healthy person can understand that the sick person can't help what he feels like; but at the same time the healthy person can wish the sick person would make some little effort. The healthy person may do a lot of pretending to be cheerful in an attempt to put on a front for the sick person; but he/she can feel as if that sick person never bothers to at least just pretend to be a little happier.
Even your question is full of points that are about your needs, fears, history, problems, etc. You bring up "if I lose him" and "making him get that" you're not using this as an excuse to be lazy. Other than acknowledging his frustration is human, you noted little about any fears or needs or exhaustion he may have.
I don't know him, but if he seems disappointed it could be that he had hope you would be better; and that having that hope dashed has been disappointing. If he's coming to grips with the loss of hope that you'll ever get better permanently, he could be resenting you even if he cares about you and knows its not your fault.
Really - I think you both need to talk to someone who is a professional.
2007-01-01 08:37:25 · answer #6 · answered by WhiteLilac1 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If your husband knew of your condition before he met you, then he has no excuse for being so unsupportive. You cannot help what has been put on you, and you can't help genetic inheritances. You should definetely tell your man that him being so cruel about it only worsens the condition, and that if he hates you being in the state so badly, then he should try to work with you to make it better. He is a hypocrite. Sweetie, if you lose him, you are not done. You would just be getting started. Good luck at trying to convince a man!
2007-01-01 07:59:22 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
depression sadly has many forms ; and no easy fix .
hubby needs to be reminded as to why he commit ed himself knowing the situation --- he shouldn't yell and threaten you --- it won't solve anything (if anything it most likely accentuates the problem ) .
if you do lose him you are not "done " but you'll need to try and get a bit more professional advice --- and a second opinion --- and tell him this is your intentions and if he can just hang in there
good luck .
2007-01-01 08:12:36 · answer #8 · answered by bill g 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You seem to understand his frustration. You both need help, separately and together. Seems like you need to try another treatment center. Make sure it works with both of you. I sincerely hope and pray you will both come through this with love and compassion for each other. But if you do what you have been doing, you probably will loose him. God Bless you both.
2007-01-01 08:11:30 · answer #9 · answered by LINDA G 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure you've heard this, but try counseling... together and separately. Even if you suffer from depression, you have to operate from a healthy emotional basis to deal with it and treat your loved ones with love and respect. He is not being respectful of you by playing on your fears of mental hospitals, he is being nasty and spiteful to cause pain. I have heard that depression is pain/hurt turned inwards and anger is pain/hurt turned outwards. Could be you both could use a refresher on how to communicate with love and respect for eachother and yourselves. Good luck & Blessings to you and your marriage.
2007-01-01 08:02:16 · answer #10 · answered by hrh_gracee 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋