How do you deal with this situation?

Question

My 21 year old daughter has recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I don't know a lot about it, but what I've been reading about it. She always tells me that she doesn't feel like I love her, even though I've put a roof over head, and I asked her to move in with me after she got kicked out of her apartment so she wouldn't be on the streets. She tells me that she doesn't think I care about her because I don't spend time with her, but I do spend time with her when I can. I work, and she's not my only child; I have two other daughters plus two step-children. She feels that she is being neglected and the other kids get my attention and she doesn't. I don't know what to do anymore. I love my daughter, but she is so difficult to get through to. She thinks everybody else is the reason her life is in such disorder. Is this normal behavior for people with borderline personality disorder? Please tell me how I can deal with this.

She is seeing a therapist, and I've read a ton of stuff online about it, but I don't know if this behavior is because of the disorder, or because I was a bad parent.

I do talk to her. This is what she tells me. I don't know what to do. She was a difficult child, and it just seems like she's getting worse as she gets older.

Hey, I'm not "labeling" her. Her therapist said this is what is wrong with her, and she told me.

Answer 1

You're in an incredibly tough situation. I used to work with people who had BPD, and therapists find them very difficult to work with because they treat the therapist like a very young child would treat her mother. Since you ARE the mother, you get all this stuff all the time.

If I were you, I'd research the disorder (I have a website and a book listed below to start you out) and then find a therapist who's familiar with BPD for MYSELF to help me set appropriate boundaries. She has very unrealistic ideas about what you can provide her. This is normal behavior for a borderline, but that doesn't make it any easier to be around her.

My stepdaughter's mother actually received this diagnosis, although I really doubt she actually has it. Nonetheless, she got some intense individual and group therapy with a technique called "dialectical behavior therapy." It seems really effective in treating bpd, and from what I've read of the ideas, they sound wonderful.

People with bpd really are in a lot of pain emotionally, and they put the people who love them into a lot of pain and turmoil too. Please find some support for yourself.

Add: The behavior is because of the disorder. Some people think the disorder is caused by bad mothering, but I think more enlightened views are that there's some problems with the way the brain is wired. Currently, no matter how much you do for her, it won't be enough because of her disorder.

Answer 2

Number one: Quit "labelling" your daughter with these psycho-babble disorders. She's a human being who is having problems. That's it. The more you "label" her the more you effectively put distance between understanding her as a person and not a category.
Number two: don't listen to these idiots who tell you to put her on meds. That's a result of failing to relate to her as a human being and would rather have a quick fix to take care of this "thing" that's a hassle in their life. She's a human being, she has all the coping abilities within her that she needs. Meds are a last resort, tried-everything-and-it-didn't-work-so-I-give-up solution.
My suggestion would be more of a question. Have you really tried listening to her? I'm sure you've "heard" what she's saying, and maybe you even think you understood it, but have you really listened? There's more to listening than just taking in the words and deciding for yourself what they mean. Active listening means holding the words and stopping your own biases and pre-judgments to consider "What is she trying to communicate to me?" For instance, if you tell her "How can you say I don't love you? I put a roof over your head." logically you're thinking "that's a good reason for a person to believe I love them." and that's what we hear on the surface. But underneath that, I'm hearing "I can't believe she would say I don't love her. I feel hurt by that. I want her to believe me because I know it's true and I'm sad that she doesn't." and THAT, my friend, is what you WANT to communicate. So when she says "Mom, I don't think you love me." Ignore the ego-driven seemingly rational reaction that says "That means she's ungrateful and/or a moron for not realizing it so I better tell her why she should be grateful and/or explain in very simple terms why I love her." and listen deeply to what she WANTS, such as "Mom, I don't understand why I have these feelings BUT I trust and/or love you enough to be open with you about them, so please appreciate and understand that."
Active listening this way is tough. It takes discipline, practice and patience. I recommend reading as much as you can on it, and even asking professionals (psychologists, psychotherapists, or any other people who deal with people with psychological problems) for help.
Work hard.

Answer 3

Try setting aside a specific time each day that you devote entirely to having one-on-one time with her - even if it's just fifteen minutes, or designate her your special "helper" in the kitchen when preparing meals and talk to her during that time about anything that comes to mind.

It takes a long time sometimes for "kids" (even grown up ones) to fully comprehend the "roof over the head, meals on the table" expression of love. What is considered by them to be love is time, attention, conversation, doing stuff together, and, yes, even monetary and material gifts.

You might also want to look into ways of dealing with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder - seems to me, from your description of her, that some AADD strategies could be applied with positive results.

Answer 4

What a horrid undertaking! this is unhappy to be attentive to that lots of persons nonetheless think of like this. Did the mothers and fathers be attentive to which you're wiccan before she got here to artwork there, or is your faith common understanding at artwork? i'm in simple terms bowled over that she could be allowed to artwork with an "evil devil worshiper". If her mothers and fathers are so brainwashed to tell their new child which you will hex, or poison her I dont comprehend their letting her be in any touch with you. i myself experience sorry for the lady in all this. She ought to be terrified of you! My suggestion is to easily leave issues on my own. proceed to act as you oftentimes could if she have been all and sundry else. Be advantageous, communicate to her as you could the different co-worker. possibly she will see which you're no longer the demon her mothers and fathers paint you to be. yet once you attempt to speak to her approximately it, i'm optimistic it incredibly is going to reason hardship. Thats a optimistic way for her to assert which you attempt to "own" her or another nonsense. vivid reward

Answer 5

i've counseled borderlines...they are extremely difficult to understand and get along with. they are extremely self-actuating, self-perpetuating, and self-centered. you can never give them enough attention...they will create negative, chaotic situations in order to be the center of attention. they are very often self-abusing and self-medicating. they often act out sexually, and can have extreme mood swings, and fits of rage. they will continue to "up the ante" (acting out more and more dangerously) in order to gain more and more attention. they take advantage of friends, family, co-workers, etc. in order to manipulate situations to their advantage, and get their own way. borderlines are "incurable," and require lifelong therapy and medication. the best way you can deal with her, is to educate yourself so that you won't be manipulated, and get into a support group with other parents. she is an adult, and needs to learn to take care of herself, and stop playing the "blame game." you will eventually need to have her not live with you, if you want to have an emotionally healthy life for yourself. she will probably make many threats to keep you connected to her chaos. i wish you the best of luck. learn as much as you can, use a workbook, say what you mean, and mean what you say. set personal boundaries, and stick to them.
EDITS: i doubt you were a "bad" parent. don't let anyone put that guilt trip on you. ANYONE who has dealt with bpd, knows how chaotic it is. you cannot give these ppl enough attention, because they are constantly attention seeking. and very few are successful w/o therapy and medication.

Answer 6

i sorta think borderline personality disorder runs thru everybody at times. look it up online...its so broad. tell her she needs to talk to somebody. maybe u two could go together if it would help her.

Answer 7

Ask her why exactly she feels you don't love her. I had this problem with my mom when I was younger because she was menopausal and somewhat less affectionate then she used to be. After I told her, she made an effort to be more verbally and physically affectionate.

Answer 8

She needs meds. And a psychiatrist. And lots of attention.

And you need to look up BPD online.

Answer 9

maybe instead of asking unqualified strangers on the internet, you should sit down and talk to your daughter to find out what the problem is and what you can both do to resolve it. just my 2 cents...

Answer 10

She sounds bored.Try to get her interested in different activities.