Is monogamy a manifest example of jealousy? Your lover is an individual, not your personal possession, so why?

Question

...expect them to be faithful?

Sexuallky transmitted diseases don't magically appear just because you sleep with a few casual lovers.

Diseases are contracted when condoms are not used, when condoms break, when the sex is rough -- not because you are not faithful.

Answer 1

This is a great question! You always manage to raise the IQ level in this section :-)

I remember reading somewhere- I think in Pat Califia's book "Public Sex", but I'm not sure- that talked about monogamy. Pat wrote something along the lines of "Have you ever heard anyone say 'I'm monogamous and my lover isn't, and we're okay with that.'? Of course not, because monogamy is about controllng your partner." I don't know that I agree with that wholeheartedly, but there is a ring of truth to it, isn't there?

You say 'why expect [your lover] to be faithful?', and I think, while we don't often achieve it, monogamy, at it's heart, isn't about an expectation, but about one's personal behavior. The expectations you hold should be to yourself, although there's nothing wrong, in my mind, from expecting your partner to hold him or herself to the same standards.

I guess it comes down to our believes of sex and punity, which is sad. Monogamy isn't really seen as a beautiful expression of commitment, but rather as something you do because it's wrong to do otherwise, you know? I always go back to that one country song about "When I start to think of cheating, I just think of you leaving". That about sums it up, doesn't it? We seem to cling to monogamy because it's traditional and we go with the status quo, and because to do otherwise would result in a punishment of some sort, not because monogamy in itself is a reward. More stick than carrot. And in those cases, I don't know that it's quite jealousy of one's partner (although I bet that factors into it heavily), but rather the whole feeling of "you can't do that if I don't get to, too!". A person sub-consciously sees their own monogamy as an unfair punishment, and only bearable if someone else shares in the misery- so if their partner does otherwise, they get angry. Mixed into all of that is the jealousy factor, the insecurity factor (why would they not me non-monogamous unless there's something wrong with me or I'm insufficient?), and a lot of other complex emotions.

I think we've also got to remember, though, that faithfulness doesn't necessarily equal monogamy. 'Faithful' is about commitment, dedication, and love, and those are things that one has for another person regardless of who else is involved. You can be faithful to a person and be non-monogamous; few people are okay with somone acting that way, but it's possible. Most of the times that non-monogamy occurs, it has a better name: cheating, and that shows a lack of complete faithlessness, not because of the other lover, but because of the lying, deception, and breaking of vows, either implicit (exclusive dating implies not seeing other people) or explicit (like marriage vows).

I don't know that I've been very clear, or perhaps just rambling, but those are my thoughts on monogmay. I think it's the easier, simpler path for couples, as polyamory is very complicated and takes a lot of love and dedication to work, but I respect both choices. I myself want to be monogamous for my lover, and I'd want him/her to be monogamous to me. Call it jealousy, call it insecurity, call it being old-fashioned . . . it is what it is, I suppose.

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

We can be polygamous, monogamous, or chaste depending on our most pressing social needs of the moment. Polygamy (and this includes both polygyny AND polyandry, now) makes the most sense if you're a young, struggling nation with very few people and resources to go around. Monogamy makes the most sense once you find your legs. Chastity makes the most sense if abundance becomes too great, and the population needs to dwindle somewhat. That's not to say that people always match their sexuality with what's best for their society, necessarily, but I think that might explain why we have a penchant to fill many different types of sexual roles. We're a social creature. We have to take cues from the individuals and societies surrounding us, and then tailor our own wants and needs to what is healthiest for us as a group. You CAN be contrary, of course, but it would probably mean you'd be more vulnerable to being ostracized, or even put you in harm's way. Consider a revolutionary from a war-torn country trying to gain numbers to overthrow a dictatorship, AND be monogamous at the same time. Consider trying to be chaste in the same situation. Try being polygamous in a city where there are literally 300 people crammed into every square mile. Certain roles are better for certain situations.

Answer 4

I know that is the idea that society, and especially the counselors are trying to sell people. Psychological and Psychiatric.

Don't buy it! There are many good solid reasons for believing in and practicing monogamy.

The people who are against fail when they don't take into consideration that people are human. Love is very important to human beings. I am talking about Real love, here.

Bonding is very important for that to take place, and that's important to the woman, it is the nesting instinct.

I am not saying it's not important for guys, but for women that really only takes place in a monogamous relationship.

How can she do much to set up, work for, and care for the house, not necessarily in that order, if she does not know if she is gonna be there tomorrow or somebody else will be.

And the same for the guy? What is there to work to provide for, if she is not home, but she is in someone else's house. See?

If you want to build security for tomorrow, monogamy is the answer.

Birds who fly off to separate nests do not get to lay eggs! If and when they do, they could be busted up without a male to help protect and nurture them. That's far from the only reason. Also STD's. Also many other psychic and psychological reasons.

You can trust me on this. When it's time for the real thing, monogamy is the answer.

Answer 5

I expect my partner to be faithful as an expression of how much she loves me - because she loves me so much she wants to. I mean, I've loved someone so much I can see myself only being with that person, so why shouldn't I expect to be with someone who feels the same way about me? No, I don't think monogamy is an example of jealousy. The reaction negative reaction to one partner going outside the relationship is just hurt (not jealousy) that that partner was not honest that they had the need or want to do so. Of course, if both partners have discussed and are okay with going outside the relationship, then I see no problems at all. Just be safe!

Answer 6

I believe monogamy started out as an "ownership" right of the male over the woman, as in many mid-eastern societies today. This is still basically how its practised in the west for the most part, too. Only in the last generation have women even come close to claiming their independence from men, especially when married.

Answer 7

My lover is a manifestation of my jealousy insomuch as I have entrusted him with all my emotional being...as he has with me. If he were to be physically unfaithful to me it would not bother me as much as if he stopped being my 'best friend' (but I would like to think that in our relationship that we could sit down and talk about any extramarital stuff before it occurred). Of course my lover is an individual..as am I ...but we operate also as a single unit. I don't put pressures of expectation on him. Neither does he put those pressures on me. We just value what we have and what we could lose. Am I answering your question or just babbling on? sorry. Happy New Year.

Answer 8

I expect honesty. If we've agreed on monogamy then that's what we agreed on. To do something other than that without my knowledge is to be dishonest. So without that honesty for me there's no trust.

Now if we've agreed on an open relationship honesty about that would still be important to me because there's still rules that come with an open relationship.

Just my two cents. :)

Answer 9

I think of my monogamy as a gift to my husband. A gift that shows him how much I really love him. If you are really in love, monogomy is NOT boring!

It's not about possesion and control, if the relationship is good.

Answer 10

Because that makes for a stable love.
Because that way you avoid STD's
Because that way you don't spread youreself too tihn and you're there for each other
If you're lovers you stay with each other unless otherwies specified. Otherwise you're not lovers, you're just f-buddies.