What do you think of this?

Question

Im suppose to be writting like a newspaper article for ths book report can you please tell me what you think of it and if i should add anything.


On a cold an foggy night young Oliver Twist, an orphan boy, was forced to rob a home by William Sikes, and Toby Crackit. As they reached the yard Oliver begged and pleaded for them to stop but Sikes frightened Oliver by sticking a gun to his head. Toby opened the nearest window and shoved Oliver in and told him to open the door so they can get in. Oliver was frightened and didn’t know what to do; he didn’t want to be a criminal. Instead of opening the door for Sikes, Oliver darted up the stairs to alarm the family. Before he knew what was going on a flash, a bang and smoke came from the distance and two frightened man flashed before him. Oliver had been shot. Sikes had fired his own pistol at the man and grabbed Oliver and drew him through the window. Oliver became unconscious.


what do you think?

Answer 1

You've received some excellent answers, so far. Yes, newspaper stories start with a lead. A lead will be a paragraph of 35 words or less (usually just one sentence) which will put the most incredible information at the top. You want to write a first sentence that will make people continue reading. The lead should be something like, "Young orphan Oliver Twist was kidnapped and forced into a life of crime, which ended when he was shot."

The lead does NOT have to be "who, what, where, when, why and how" - that's old-school journalism, and not used today (I've worked as a newspaper reporter and editor, now I'm a freelance writer, just so you know where I'm coming from).

News articles always avoid opinion statements - that's called editorializing and belongs on the op-ed page. Stick to the facts. And remember A B C: ACCURACY, BREVITY and CLARITY in all newswriting. The writing is correct/factual, the writing is brief (summarize summarize summarize!) and the writing is easy to understand and to read.

Newswriting also uses terms like "allegedly" and use last names once a person has been introduced - like "Twist allegedly tried to get away, but was held at gunpoint. After being forced to assist in an attempted robbery, Twist tried to alert the family within the dwelling but was shot by Sikes." See, you can leave out a lot of the detail you originally provided.

Read the NY Times or even The Onion (a joke "newspaper") for examples of newswriting. It's very different from prose or storytelling or term papers.

Answer 2

It was a cold and foggy night, and Two young men were set on robbing a house. However they needed a pattsy.Agianst his will Oliver Twist was forced to rob a house. That had been chosen by William sikes,andTolby crackit.Oliver had no idea what was on thier mind until he felt the coldness of the 9 MM below his right ear. As Oliver opened the window,Sikes threw him into the house, ordering him to open the front door. However fearing for the family he ran up the stairs, to warn the home owners of what was about to happen. At that time he heard a loud sound as if a fire cracker had exploded and everything went blank..Its not hard to figure what happened next. Oliver lived! and the real crooks went to JAIL!! RONBO

Answer 3

In journalism you put the most important details in a short paragraph called the lead. I'd use it to summarize the story and not stop at the point where Oliver loses consciousness -- I don't think I ever read Oliver Twist, but I'd include what happened to Oliver after this "A young orphan is resting in the charity hospital after being shot in an apparent attempt to foil a robbery."

So. Think most important details first, short paragraphs, objective language -- "A witness reported the boy begged and pleaded for Sykes and Crackit not to enter the home, but Crackit put the boy through the window so he could open the door."

HTH. I can't really re-write it for you because I think you need to end it at a later point in the action.

Answer 4

You might want to add some more details, like who were William Sikes and Toby Crackit? How did they meet Oliver? How did Oliver become unconscious?

Answer 5

get the details in the leed.

Exactly when
Exactly where
Where did the people live, addresses
What were their ages
What were their occupations
What were their family statii
What did the police say
What is going to happen next
How did you get this information (who informed the reporter)


example...

Oliver Twist, of no known address, was found unconcious
by. A Mr. George D., 53, of Beckham Square, London,
reported the sighting to...and so on

Answer 6

It is obvious you read the book and that is good. If the intent is to write in the style of a newspaper article you should stay away from motivation type statements and stick to what actually occured. Most newspaper articles are writen without the ability to know what was going on in people's heads.

Answer 7

uhm it sounds mosre as if you are like writing a story try to think that you are a reporter and get the details that you can put your hands on remeber this is a article not a story.

setting
time
who
decribe the "who"
and such and such