what do you think of this poem?? what can I do to make it better??

Question

A Lovers Farewell

I’m here alone once again,
I’ve lost you; my best friend.
I hang my head, blink back the tears,
But I know that now you’re in a world with no fear.
A place of no pain,
A place of no shame.
And I know that I’m just the stupid girl that gave you my heart,
But you did this and tour it apart.
I don’t really know what I feel,
And because of this I don’t know how to heal.
What made you think you were so worthless?
And that you were allowed to put me through this?!
I don’t know what to say,
So I just bow my head and pray.
Is this my fault, was I too tough?
Did I not tell you that I loved you enough?
The day you found me, you saved my life,
So why couldn’t I save you from the knife?!?
If I had taken the time to listen to what you said,
Then today would you be dead?
But you planed this from the start,
You left a note with my name and a heart.
As I read the words you wrote to me,
You still speak of things that could be.
And the way things were before me and you,
And you say that I did save you.
I don’t know how, and I don’t know why you think so,
And if I did, then why’d you go?
So It’s just me, there’s no more us,
But how I long for the feel of your touch….
But now I’m strong enough to say good-bye,
And so good-bye, my love. Good-bye…..

I know "tour" to "tore".... also, I don't know but I feel like she's going through anger and what he did, then sadness about it at the same time.... Pain because she's alone, but guilt for feeling that too...

sorry... i meant to post this in preforming arts.......

Answer 1

Very sad. Heartfelt. I don't know if this is a true story or not, a tragic situation but one that does happen too often. One can never blame oneself for another person's suicide. They make the decision on their own. Sometimes you can't save someone from him/herself. Of course you mourn the loss but you can't feel guilty about it. It's not your fault.

Poetry is very intense & personal. Not all poetry has to rhyme. Some people focus on rhyming without concentrating enough on vivid imagery. The more descriptive & precise you are with details, the more you bring it to life for the reader. These could be any two people, you don't really know them, but if you add more details about them things that are unique to them (ie: piercing blue eyes shiny with tears, a dark green shirt he always wore, a bottle of smirnoff, a note scrawled on a napkin with stark black ink, the haunting way he used to laugh etc), then you make it more individual. You can't underestimate the power of adjectives & powerful verbs. Also don't forget similes (comparisons using like or as "a touch warm as sunlight on my skin" "tears like rain") or metaphors (comparisons not using like or as "I am a stone, cold, hard, unfeeling.") This can be tough to do & comes with practice!

A good effort. Keep writing. The more you write, the more natural it becomes & the more eloquent you become. Let your ideas spill out, raw & unfiltered, then go back & tweak it later.

A poem is meant to convey emotion & you have done that.

Take care.

Answer 2

It's okay., but it's too "wordy". (The word "planned" is spelled wrong, too.)

I think you should use it as a first draft foundation and graduate to the next level by rewriting it several times with more sophisticated terminologies and metaphors. In this way it will become more of a classic poetic piece where the words become more succulent and have a sense of mystery, rather than being so "obvious" and "blatant" as you have it now.

For instance, your opening could instead read...

"Enveloped in solitude once again,
Over the loss of you, my dear friend.
Willows droop with sorrow's tears,
My heart assures you're in a realm without fear.
Sanctum devoid of pain,
Sanctum devoid of shame...."

See how I tightened it up and brought it to a higher poetic level of quality. Try this with your whole piece.

Avoid drawing out your sentences with “filler words” like: “is”, “the”, “that”, "to", this", "and", "you", and "my", because this will drag down the pace and rhythm and tend to "clutter"; it's far too "wordy" and can be "streamlined". Instead, use concise words.

For instance, your verse: "If I had taken the time to listen to what you had said..." can be edited down to a more poetic version: "If I had acknowledged your overtures to me..."

Also, instead of actually saying and identifying "death", "dead", etc., add some mystery by using a symbolic metaphor so that the reader can have some fun to figure out whether the principle subject has simply journeyed away, or is no longer in the "tellers" life, or even dead. "Then today would Hades' grip be your fate?"

Have fun and good luck.

Answer 3

its a great piece. i hope your moving on without a sense of guilt. this person obviously was a coward. i know this sounds harsh but to end your life is a selfish act. life sux period. but taking your own life is the biggest act of cowardess that this world has to offer. then he left you a note w/ a heart that's just damn cheesy. move on honey your better than that . i promise you. your beautiful and intelligent this person does not deserve any more of your tears . your strength also shows in your words. don't anguish . go on and be great . you are !

Answer 4

No changes needed in the poem. Some changes for yourself. No regrets, learn from the past, live in the present and hope for the future.

Answer 5

The Jabberwocky by Carroll One Art by E Bishop Salomi by Phil Levine

Answer 6

your poem is good, good poems are hard to find, but behind the poem is the person who wrote it, that is you. I write poems myself and my poems have been published. So I am going to help you a step up and give you some info that could land your poems in a book

Answer 7

I think it was gorgeous. It really was a good poem. I really did love it honestly. And you don't need to change anything in it.

Answer 8

Beautiful poem. All I'd change is the line:

"And the way things were before me and you,"

to

"And the way things were before you and me,"