She moved out 5 days after she graduated from high school. The guy she moved in with is a loser. She did not have a job, money, food or any of her basic needs met. She called last nite and said "come get me", so like an idiot, I drove to pick her up. She has a basket full of clothes and some other odds and ends.
I feel like she has a maturity issue and is failing in life big time. Her best friend has joined the marines and is home on leave. Her other friends are enrolled in college and are getting their life together. The very 1st thing when I woke up this am, my car was missing. She was gone in it and said she went to pick up the rest of her belongings. I need her to get her act together soon. I cannot handle her immaturity. How can I make her get it together. I probably should not have let her move back home. I was less worried when I had no idea what shinnanigans she was up to when she lived with the loser. What do I do?
2006-12-31 07:18:19 · 10 answers · asked by happydawg 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Hi Mom,
Boy, do I feel for you, but you know what, I feel even more for that child of yours.
Please, please - do NOT in any way compare her to others her age and what they're doing/accomplishing; you'll only demoralize her further. Can't you _imagine_ what it was like for her during those 6 months and not being either cared for or getting her needs met? C'mon Mom, let your mothering instincts reign at this point. For no reason should you either say or imply to her that you think she's failing (a failure). You're right, she is immature, but that's the beauty of it...she's just learning life and you can be the wonderful teacher she needs. How you handle this return home is critical. Give her all the nurturing she needs or she wouldn't have called YOU to bring her home. It's your responsibility not only to raise her, but to warmly do your best to be both mother (first) and best friend (second). Find something you can both do together as a means of re-bonding and try not to criticize the guy she left -- I've seen too often that given a little time, he wants her back and she may just waltz out back to him again. That's life! And all you can do then is to pray for her happiness and well-being; she'll eventually learn life just as you did. I'd suggest that you don't be so free with your car keys, however, that's an invitation to her to abuse a privilege that's yours. Help her adjust to homelife again. Help her to find a job. If dad's around, this advice goes equally to him. If not, God grant you the courage to do what's right for her AND yourself and the stamina to do it.
2006-12-31 07:53:15 · answer #1 · answered by MJ D 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I relate to your question. Where I live if you stayed in gymnastics and showed talent, the pressure started to join a team. My daughter also took it from an early age. When she was 5 I started asking parents of older kids about it. One mom had an 8 year old and she said her schedule was 20 hours a week. I just could not see allowing that with my daughter. At the time she also did ice skating so I gave her the choice between the two, and she chose ice skating. Now she herself is 8 and the same pressure is there to skate many hours a week. However, what's different is that she's not on a team so that gives us a lot more freedom. It's an individual effort towards her own personal goals. So in the fall when she has more school work we go down to 3-4 hours a week, and we can put in more hours in winter when she can't play outside anyway. But she could skate every day before school and there are people who do that. My priorities are to give her life balance at this age. She would skate every day if I gave her the choice. I don't think that would be healthy or right for her at this age. Yes, it's important to listen to your kids if they love an activity but you still have to be the parent and make a judgment call about what is too much - and just because other people do it doesn't make it the right choice for YOUR child.
2016-05-23 00:10:20 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take it from me, I have gone through pure hell with my daughter in the past 10 years. I have come up with every excuse under the sun in my head why I should rescue her! You wanna know what I have now? A daughter with kids, all different fathers, a disrespectful daughter, a manipulator, and me feeling ashamed of myself for having any part of it! If there is any way I could get you to stop TODAY from enabling your daughter, and to believe me that you would be doing your daughter the biggest favor OUT OF LOVE, I pray that you would stop.If your daughter is wanting to date losers, than she is having a problem with in her, and her low self esteem. Or she wouldn't be picking guys like that. Would be nice if she would seek therapy of some kind. My daughter has come a long way, but because of prolonged drug use, she is left with problems. If I were to ever hold my breathe for an sincere "thank-you", I probably would be dead! But I guess that's part of being a mother. Being a mother is a tough job, we just need to know when enough is enough! I'll pray for you, and the best of luck to you! Follow your gut feelin, it's the true answer!
2006-12-31 08:06:29 · answer #3 · answered by sue d 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You weren't a fool to go pick her up. It's our job as parents to be there to help pick up the pieces when our kids make bad choices. You need to set some boundaries and tell her infuture she doesn't borrow your car without asking first. She doesn't need to hear from you how she's screwed up, she already knows that. I would suggest you have conversations with her, she may already have some plans you are unaware of. Whatever your opinion of her past behaviour please don't be critical and judgemental. She probably needs love, understanding and support until she's stronger and can, hopefully, make better decisions. You have a chance to have a better, closer relationship with her now. Not all parents get that chance.
2006-12-31 07:45:01 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You let her move in because you felt manipulated by her and the reason she isn't like the rest of her friends is because she manipulated you when she was 5. pull your head out and look at the sunshine. She needs to go to school.
if she does she can
live at home
drive the car when you don't need it
eat your food
wash her clothes for free.
have her room back to study and sleep.
you have to
put up with a few phone calls for help
not have sex with your door open
not have friends over when she has a test or during finals week
I was a great parent with my older kids... my youngest was the BABY and I was wrong to spoil her...EVERYBODY spoiled her and suddenly.......uh DUHHHH .......she was spoiled.
and so is your baby.
it can work... if she wants it too and if you can get over your resentment.you are still her parent...We have to keep being the parents of irresponsible kids until WE get it right. good luck and you have your work cut out for you...
also remind her CLEARLY.
THIS IS THE LAST TIME THIS DOOR WILL SWING THIS WAY.
2006-12-31 08:14:09 · answer #5 · answered by to tell ya the truth........... 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You said it yourself. You shoulnd't have let her come back home. I think they call that tough love. Give her an ultimatum of six or a year to get her act together. If she fails, throw her out. As long as she has mom to fall back on, she will problably won't get her act together. Have you ever looked up the word co-dependency or taken a look at a book on the subject? It might help your situation.
2006-12-31 07:25:30 · answer #6 · answered by Third Uncle 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Let her move back in. Give her a time limit to get a job. If she does not, charge her rent to teach her some responsibility. You can't throw her out on the street with no money. Who knows where she will end up.
2006-12-31 07:32:18 · answer #7 · answered by andy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Start out by not letting her know you are dissapointed, take her out for a coffee and have a heart to heart with her. Maybe she feels low about herself and needs a confidence boost. Encourage her to deside what she wants for herself, once she feels good maybe she will act more mature.
2006-12-31 08:42:12 · answer #8 · answered by smurf_punky 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ask her to move out within a week. If not, dump her belongings outside your house and lock her and her loser out.( Never have a stranger in your house........it's dangerous.)
2006-12-31 19:53:39 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
comfort her, she obviously has some issues she needs to work out. but make sure you make your feelings of her immaturity known. she might just surprise you.
2006-12-31 09:15:04 · answer #10 · answered by danyj 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋